get a therapist...

Thanks, Brown Girl, for clarifying that for the women this article describes the random alcohol- or craigslist-mediated hook-up is not the solution. A lot of these posts take the loss of viginity as a simple goal, something that can be checked off the list in short order. For me, as for other posters and the women in the article, its more of a process issue.

I had sex for the first and only time at 23 because I couldn't stand being a virgin at such an "advanced" age. I semi-purposefully had a drunken experience with a friend that I can only barely remember. The next morning my great feeling of regret was not losing my virginity in that fashion, but rather that losing it made not one whit of difference to how inept I felt in romantic situations. I'd finally taken care of the goal, alright, but never figured out how to make the process work.

Fast forward to 31 and I'm basically in this article's demographic. The overwhelming feelings of awkwardness and failure around the issue of sex conspire to keep me from pursuing relationships. I deploy all the camouflage tactics mentioned in the article and feel increasingly worse about the situation as the months and years roll on. Whatever issues I have (newsflash: absolutely everyone has issues!) have been superceded by this looming, horrible dread that my inexperience will be exposed and misinterpreted in some way. Like it has by the posters here, for instance.

Ultimately, here's the question: if I am in other ways appealing but romantically inept AND essentially (if not technically) a virgin, what place is there for me in the modern, urban dating market? And if there's no place for me in this dating market what am I supposed to do -- build myself a hermitage somewhere?

I wish this article would have attempted to actually answer those questions. I could really use the information.

Johnalive takes me to task when I wrote:

"These are great conversations to have, if they must, before things get physical."

Yes, Johnalive is on target when he says that discussions on sex history and sex health should be what every couple does before engaging in sex with each other.

What I was attempting to get at with my "if they must" comment was stupid, unhelpful questions like "When did you last have sex?" That is not a useful way to start the dialogue with a partially nude partner. My comment did not make that distinction, but that is what I was trying to get at.

While bringing up sexual history is better late than never, I would argue that having these conversations in the heat of the moment has a much poorer track record than addressing the issues dispassionately ahead of time. Many people have difficulty weighing decisions in the heat of the moment. They have a better chance of making healthy decisions that they feel comfortable with BEFORE the hormones get going.

So, yes. In an ideal world, couples would have frank (clothed) conversations about their sexual histories and wishes and issues, early in a relationship before it has become very sexual. It would be great if sexuality education in our schools dealt more with the actual negotiation of sexual relationships versus pushing (hetero intercourse) abstinence pledges.

I am a 29 year old virgin. As my 30th birthday approaches, an article like this could almost make me jump off a bridge. I have remained a virgin for various reasons over the years. In high school, an all girls Catholic school combined with very strict parents made having sex an veritable impossibility. I was also painfully shy and when boys made overtures, I turned them away, knowing full well my parents wouldn't allow any contact outside of group outings with friends.

In college, the morality factor was still hanging over my head. I was a virginity snob. While my girlfriends cried about getting herpes or getting dumped by the dorm playas, I was safe and had my nose in my books.

Then, when I got my first corporate job, sitting 8 hours a day made me fat. Meeting men, no, having men actually talk to me was a challenge.

I have since lost weight and am, by all accounts, a well-adjusted, fun girl. No longer shackled by my culture's idea that sex outside of marriage is bad, I've waited patiently for 'it' to happen. I did have a few opportunities in nightclubs on vacations in Italy. But the idea of f*cking a strange Italian guy in a dark corner of a club makes me even more sad than still being a virgin.

I'm not a sociopath. I'm a democrat. I've traveled all over the world. I have tons of friends. I'm a musician. I'm pretty. I'm very, very funny. I own my place and have a car. I own a book about the kamasutra. I make a mean pot roast. I have the best collection of jazz LPs you will ever see. I take a cardio striptease class at the local gym.

Maybe I'm going to be waiting for longer, until it feels right. But sleeping with a guy who freaks out because I'm a virgin, but might not think twice about having sex with a girl who has an STD (25 percent of sexually active women have herpes!), is insane. Our society is messed up when a virgin is made to feel like a sad or unworthy freak of nature.

it looks like another typical "men are wrong for not being able to move in 2 (or more) directions simultaneously" situation.

I dated a virgin (though I didn't know it until several months into our relationship, when he finally admitted it). It's silly to think that being a virgin at 30 automatically signals emotional and/or mental turmoil. Modern life can easily force to focus on other areas - work, school, family, health... Like any stereotype, it's easy to find people that fulfill it and who refute it.

I'm in my late twenties. While I'm not a virgin, there have been times when I have decided to not have sex for 6 months or a year so I can focus on something else - education, a second job, or just lacking the emotional energy for a relationship.

In the end, I never slept with my virgin boyfriend. He maintained his virginity as a way to keep distant, and given the emotional distance, I wouldn't have been willing to afford him the patience and guidance he would have needed. (That is, to my mind, his virginity was a manifestation of bigger issues, although to repeat, I don't think that's necessarily the case.) Depending on the sexual experiences of a virgin, it's possible, as with my old boyfriend, that there's a lot to be learned, and not everyone is willing to be a teacher. Find someone who is, who is wholly comfortable with their body and sexuality (and yours), who is not able to give more than receive (and not just sexually), and go at it.