I am a 26 year old who has not had sex yet, so I read this article with interest. Unlike the women described in the article, I definitely have a "hang-up" (i.e. a powerful aversion rooted in early trauma) about sex and have chosen to uncover my sexuality at my own pace. Unfortunately, sexual abuse in many forms is not uncommon, and I would be surprised if there weren't a few other 20-something virgins out there who are holding out for reasons similar to mine.

("Virgin" is an awfully heteronormative, phallocentric term to use, isn't it? Do we really still want to be defining sex in such a limited way? I know people still define it that way, but shouldn't this article have interrogated that definition?)

The term that confuses me the most, though, is "involuntary." My whole project in sexual discovery is a project of volition, of learning to recognize my own desires and to act on them, rather than to submit to (or run from) the desires of others. I know exactly when I will have sex for the first time: when I want to, and I'm with someone who wants me to.

The women in this article may not have made a decision to prolong their identities as virgins, but they have certainly decided whether or not to have sex, probably on many occasions. The identity that goes along with these choices is entirely constructed. That negative identity undermines women's autonomy in sexual decision-making, and men's too, for that matter. "Involuntary" is a gross but revealing misnomer.

As someone who accidently made it to 31, I had a lot of time to think about what was going wrong. This article & some of the letters focusses largely on bookish/bright virgins. Well, this is my theory, at least for them.

That for some very small proportion of the society, following the rules is largely a road to success. We study hard etc. and wind up at the top of the class. Most kids figure out that the "any child could be president" business is rubbish when they are very young, and develop a healthy attitude of skepticism about the rules that tell them that, contrary to all their personal experience, they are unexceptional. They have the average experiences of life in the average ways, which seems to really require a certain amount of cheating on the rules.

While for a few kids, following the rules seems to work, and maybe does make them pretty/handsome, succesful, etc. But also leaves them socially handicapped.

On the other hand, I do think there's something to the idea of a low teen-age libido --- maybe I would have worked harder not to miss out if I'd been as driven at 18 as I was at 36. I'm sure it's hormonal, and that teen hormones don't predict adult ones. Sometime when I was about 25 babies started looking cute to me for the first time, and I realized that my virginity was really actually a problem.

And to all the people who were too afraid to get involved --- damned straight. Be very afraid --- just as afraid as you are of commitment, or anything unusual. I am still with my first and going strong. Now I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thank you so much for writting this article, I never knew there were women out there who were virgins at the age of 30years old. I thought I was the only one.

I could really associate with Amanda and her feelings and encounters with men, it happenned to me.

I just lost my virginity at the age of 37. Prior to loosing it, I thought I was alone. It was like a monkey on my back and I was so worried that I was going to die a virgin, which I didn't want to do.

Everyday I would think about this because of the ads on TV,magazines and newspaper, how they use sex to sell their products, and if your a woman who has not experienced it, it would make you feel like you didn't fit in. I would sometimes cry myself to sleep because of how society doesn't respect someone who is willing not to have sex.

I guess the reason why I waited so long was because my upbring in a church. The church tells you not to have sex before being married and I lived upto this until rescently.

I hated being a virgin so I decided to do something about it, I slept with an older married man. I found him on the internet. I got to know him first, then things started to get hot between us. So one day I wrote him an email and told him that I was a virgin. I wanted to be open and honest about my past, but I knew I was taking a chance of being rejected, but I had to tell him, no matter the cost. So I sent it.

Two days later, there was an email from him. It said he was honored and privileged that I wanted him to be my first. So we talked about it for weeks, all my worries, fears and any question I had. He really made me feel comfortable.

So the next time we got together we did it. I lost my virginity. I was not pressued or forced, I wanted to do it and it was so wonderful.For weeks afterwards we talked about it, he didn't want me to regret it, but told him I would never and I still don't.

I felt so lucky to find someone like him, who didn't judge me for being a virgin, he actually told me that he was really turned on by the whole thing. It was just as exciting to him as it was for me. I coulnd't have asked for anyone else, except that he was older and married.

Til this day we are still together.

If and when this relationship ends, I would be sad, but I would not regret the fact that I had lost my virginity to this person.

Lisa