Honestly, LeCastor? Maybe you'll just have to resign yourself to being confused. You keep asking for justifications and explanations that other people aren't required to give. Being curious is one thing, but you seem to have almost an unhealthy obsession with having other people explain their choices. I have nothing but respect for the people who are sharing their stories here, and I find this grilling a bit unseemly. Let people make their own sexual choices without being treated like some kind of sideshow exhibit or psychological test case.

I agree, people are sharing and that is wonderful. I'm not demanding anything, i'm just asking if anyone wants to elaborate. To me, it really is inconceivable that i would be in relationship with someone for 4 years (assuming this was college, it was 18 to 22 years old) and not have sex at the healthy ripe age of 22. And then thereafter, another 3 year relationship, that brings us to 25, and then another one for a whole year. Yeah, i honestly don't understand ... how that works. If anyone would be kind enough to explain how you can have a meaningful adult relationship at the age of 25 for 3 years and not have sex, i would really love the insight.

You wrote: it seems like there's this air of aloofness & superiority...

I've seen people make this mistake all my life: concluding shyness, reticence or introversion is snobbery. Maybe in some cases it is, but maybe just as often you are assuming judgement where there isn't any. How awful to "go negative" on a person's whole character for being themselves, or for something they struggle with.

shyness when one is a child, like a 4-year old hiding behind his mom, or a 12-year old being embarassed and blushing, is normal.

in an adult, its either immaturity, or its a form of snobbery. People who are shy usually listen, watch, and have opinions on what other people do. They listen to other people say dumb stuff or behave foolishly, and they don't want to say dumb stuff or be a fool, so they keep quiet and hope not to be noticed.

Ok, that's a choice, it's a normal, common choice to make. but it's holding oneself to a higher standard than other humans, and is snobbery.

I was just reading your post about not wanting a guy who you have to lie to and whatnot and my honest first reaction was "geez, this gal is uptight." My second thought was that you are just not very horny. There are a ton of really great men out there. You sound like you are assuming that men are slimes until you've dated them for two years and spent 3000 hours with them and then you'll decide. But guess what? You _can_ have a one night stand with a nice guy and not tell him that you are a virgin. You can be both horny and romantic - in fact what is romance without sexual arousal? You need to have confidence, seize the moment, let loose! Don't feel like you have to do some dance of impressing one another with your intellectual prowess, jobs, future plans for marriage and children, and a zillion other things first. Love is first about attraction and wowee does it feel good to give into it...

Have some good old fashioned fun in your romantic life before you die.

-- Anonymous

Interesting. You assume that just because I don't want to lie that I'm uptight, I'm not horny, I need to date someone for two years and we need to impress each other with a zillion things. Geez, how clever of you to have figured all that out from my post! Never mind I never said any of these things, nor meant them, yet you've taken it upon yourself to assume all these things about me. You don't even know me yet, you feel the need to make all these judgements. If you're one of those "great men" you're referring to, I'd rather wait a little longer.

...the more important and weighty it becomes, the more you want it to be absolutely perfect and wonderful, and consequently, the more difficult it becomes to actually do it. YOu have to find the right place, and the right person, and the right, blah blah blah, and...I think it's amazing how much weight people give to losing one's virginity, like it's going to be some sort of life-altering experience that you should only share with The One, or something like that. Well, what if it turns out that the guy (or girl, but i guess this applies more to women) isn't very good in bed? Or your first time isn't as magical as you had hoped. Mine was not bad at all, but it took many more months of dedication and practice before it got rrreally good.

Yes, sex is a wonderful thing, but one's first time shouldn't be such a weighty and serious endeavour.

First off, Billy Budd - why do you think losing your virginity at 21 is some deep, dark secret? Your situation sounds ideal to me. You were lucky enough to find someone you love at just the right age and have been in a long-term relationship with them. Many people would KILL to be so lucky. So just because there was some akwardness in your first experience you think you need therapy?! Maybe, MAYBE, you might be considered a bit of a late-bloomer by some people but come on!! Don't mean to come down on you so hard but from what you've said you don't have anything to be embarassed about let alone a problem you need to deal with in therapy. I mean, are you serious?!

I am an involuntary 32-year old male virgin. In high school I had crippling social anxiety disorder. Nowadays, everyone thinks they have social anxiety disorder, but I was the real deal. People would say 'Hey, how's it going?' and I wouldn't even be able to respond sometimes. Why?, I have no idea. I just was. Even though I was tall, slim and fairly handsome I was truly socially inept and had no friends. I just thought when I got older things would work themselves out.

Being a virgin in my early 20s was extremely embarassing, yet I had hope that I was just a late bloomer and it would happen soon. But at 26 I started to get worried. I saw a psychiatrist and was diagnosed as having 'Avoidant Personality Disorder'. I'm instinctively against labelling myself as anything but I had to admit the diagnosis was dead-on and seemed to me the best explanation yet of my problem. I only wish someone, teachers, parents, anyone! would have recognized this at a much earlier age, because I had no idea until I was in my mid-20s. I can't put into words the anguish, loneliness, boredom and frustration I might've been saved, not to mention the fact that it irreperably fucked my life in just about every way. It always makes me laugh; the lengths some people (especially in academia) will go to to prove that - someway, somehow - they are the 'outcasts of society'. Trust me, you don't have a clue. Thankfully, through meds, exercises and just the experiences of living life I eventually got over it to a point where it's not such a problem anymore. I managed to finally get some sexual experience at 26 though I have yet to have actual intercourse (I've given and received oral sex a few times, so by some definitions, I'm no longer a virgin).

I think I'd basically given up on the idea that I'd ever be in a relationship, and to be honest, I wasn't that bothered. That's why I'm near-dumbfounded after reading this article and all the letters and am grateful Salon ran it. The frustration is still there but at least I don't feel like the Elephant Man anymore.