I guess that makes me a young 'un, all things being relative.

I made it through high school and college without ever having done the deed. To counter the weird notion that there was something physically or mentally wrong with me, I was quite thin then, fairly decent-looking, and certainly fooled around with a lot of boys but I never was in a situation where I thought "Hey, this would be a good idea!" I was never molested, never abused in any way.

I knew myself well enough to know that a random hookup with some guy would be a horrible mistake (I get fairly emotionally attached when it comes to these things), so I waited. As it happened, I met my first serious boyfriend four weeks after I graduated from college, we dated for a while, and then it happened. I loved him, he loved me. No regrets. If I hadn't met him then, well then I would have waited as long as it took til I was in a comfortable situation. (Fortunately I didn't have to wait til I was 27, which was when I met my next long-term love, but I'm pretty sure I would have.)

“Sometimes I think that non-virgins attack virgins because their own first times were depressing and sad and took place at some drunken frat party with a guy who wouldn't talk to them after, so they want to inflict the same shame and humiliation on people that didn't happen to.”

I don’t know that it was depressing – but it sure wasn’t any good. It’s not that he wasn’t a perfectly nice guy (he used to read ee cummings to me and he always wanted to spoon with me all night in his dorm room). It had more to do with ME having a lot to learn about ME. I didn’t know my body very well, I faked orgasms (you’ll never get a real one if he thinks you’ve already had a few) and I was shy and squeamish. I had to get to know my body and my needs in a whole new way – and it took some bad sex to get me there (not the end of the world). As it turns out poetry and flowers and long nights cuddling just don’t get me off at all – who knew? I had no idea. If you’ve never had sex – how are you so sure you’re waiting around for the right thing?

I am an adult and I love sex. Going without it for even a couple of months will physically depress me and it makes it harder for me to get off when I do finally have sex. Waiting on a person for months when it may not work out – or worse if it works out only to discover we are completely sexually incompatible – sounds way too stressful. If a person has waited for so long who am I to come on in and experiment and then maybe leave? It’s just a lot of pressure. Too much pressure for me.

>...you didn't even have a kiss in high school, you were 17 or 18, ostensibly brimming with hormones, and you didn't want to meet men? This is why i suggested, with absolutely no meanness intended, that maybe you simply aren't very intersted in relationships or sex.<

Why do you think that the "hormonal teenager" is the standard for everyone? That's the same annoying mindset that claims introverts and loners are unnatural because they don't want to socialize as much "as everyone else does." And you are sounding as if you _do_ think this is weird, even though from the sound of responses on here, it's a fairly common occurence. Not everyone grows up as Miss Popularity; not everyone lives life in a teen pix. In fact, I would bet good money the number of people who don't vastly outnumber those who do...

I'm a bit younger than the other women in this discussion, but I am not so dissimilar. I did have body issues in high school and for lot of college, though I've lost forty pounds and am generally viewed as attractive. I wasn't kissed until I was 19 and had not made out with anyone until I was 21. While I am a techincal virgin, I am not physically, thanks to some fooling around that I stopped before it could turn in to sex. It was not as though I didn't enjoy what was happening physically. I just didn't feel that the person I was with at the time was right for me. I didn't care about him. He didn't care about me. So, I stopped it there. I knew I wanted to actually have sex with someone that, while we might not be destined to stay together, I at least gave a damn about at the time and vice-versa.

Some of the consequences of that fooling around though have been excellent. I didn't go and "fall madly in love" with this guy. I don't actually want to see him but I don't think he's a bad guy. I am much more comfortable with my body and responses, having been afraid I was ugly and unable to give pleasure. I've suffered from the strain of being a virgin in a non-virgin group of people and it's difficult to be judged for something that is, in this day of STDs, a wise and mature decision. I would also rather respect myself, the person I've slept with, and the act than not. What I would say both to the other women in this debate and the men who have written is this: take a breath, calm down, don't worry so much about either being a virgin or taking a virgin, and enjoy the act safely with a condom and other birth control when the time arises. To be frank, there are other things in life that are worth worrying about a great deal more.

PS: Nobody ever said fooling around without full-on sex was a bad thing either