I also have to second what someone else posted about being attracted to very few men - I have found that to be the case with me as well. It's not that I have a list of "standards" men have to live up to - far from it, but I just don't feel that "hey, I'd like to fool around with you" vibe with very many men at all. I can count on both hands the number of guys I've met in my 30 years of life that I've felt that about. I might like and respect them a lot, think they're great, but the chemistry just isn't there for me. Then subtract the ones who aren't interested in you, and that leaves...very few.

This has nothing to do with not being interested in sex or dating, but if something doesn't "click" for me after knowing someone a while, I"m not going to force myself to date or be sexual with him just to have a boyfriend or to be "normal." I would rather form a friendship with that person and not have to feel guilty about not desiring them. I don't like to lead people on or hurt their feelings, and I think everyone deserves to be with someone who is hot for them, not just with them until something better comes along. This does mean that I spend a lot of time being lonely and/or sexually frustrated (yeah, masturbation just doesn't do it forever, though it is fun).

And I have also wondered about all these women who supposedly have trouble orgasming...why is being inexperienced a stigma, but sleeping with a lot of guys who can't get you off not? I have never had problems in that department, I think probably because I only sleep with/fool around with guys I am genuinely attracted to and interested in! That reduces my "number", but who cares? (and yes, I have had a couple drunken one nighters too, I understand how that can happen, but I certainly didn't go to to try to have relationships with those guys - cut your losses, people).

Lack of experience does not equal frigidity, and it doesn't mean a girl will be crap in bed either - maybe they're just blowing smoke up my butt, but I've been told I am good in bed, a good kisser, etc. Probably because I enjoy it and am not just doing it to please the guy, please society, fit in with my friends, be "normal," etc. Am I a freak while the virtuous married woman who hates sex and will only have it once a month as a "wifely duty" isn't? Why?

I know I just recently posted, but after reading through some of the letters I wanted to make a comment about those posters who say "just find someone to do it with, don't tell them you're a virgin, and get it over with". Maybe that's the way you did it, and maybe you were just lucky that it worked for you -- that the person wasn't creepy, demanding, or aggressive; that, if you're a woman, you just HAPPENED to be aroused and receptive to your partner; or if you're a man, that your partner didn't expect you to "perform".

Me, I'd much rather be with someone who can be patient and understanding and will take extra care to make sure I'm feeling safe and ready, emotionally and physically.

Amy

about finding a pal to break the fast with, but I didn't mean as do it just to be doing it. I meant IF the stress of the first time is enough that it keeps you from relaxing enough to get to the first time, then do go ahead and get it out of the way. Different reason.

A lot of people seem to be freaking out about this. The virgins seem to feel they owe it to their partner. That it will somehow "matter" and their partner will find out anyways and it somehow makes them look bad not to tell.

And from the stories, it sounds like telling doesn't lead to sex.

So, for those who have decided they're truly interested in having sex --- perhaps they've found someone who they THINK they might fall in love with and are ready to go for it --- here's my advice.

There's no need to tell. It's not a crime. If this is some goodlooking person and you're just feeling horny, feel free to outright lie. If you're thinking you might be going for a relationship, don't outright lie if asked, but in subtler conversations vague phrases like, "It's been awhile," should keep the questions from coming.

IF you think that during sex it will become obvious, I think the only reason that would happen would be your own nervousness. If you've determined that this is a problem for you, take a valium or something.

Maybe you've read romance novels that say it's going to hurt and your hymen(?) will be torn. You can have your doctor verify that it no longer stretches across if you like --- I remember hearing once that age or tampons make that a non-issue.

If you're concerned about your performance, rent a pornographic video. You don't need to initiate all that stuff if you don't want to, but at least you'll know more about the possibilities. I remember being surprised by all the rubbing and aiming to achieve contact.

On a personal note, it took me about a week after having sex with my now husband to get over a strong, irrational feeling of aversion toward him afterward. Totally unexpected, and I understood the reason for it, but man, was I glad when that resolved itself.

Just thought I'd lay out a plan of attack, and what to expect, for those who've decided this has become too inconvenient to them.

"one thing i find ironic is the people here who say "you have no right to judge me!" or "there's nothing wrong with me!" also go on at length to explain exactly what unique variables have led to their celibacy. I personally suffered great shame during a period i went without sex for many years, so i get it--but if you're making the point that its really not important to who you are, why defend yourself or your reasons?"

"If it really doesn't matter than who really cares about the reasons other than you?"

I care, because it helps me to not feel so alone. I don't see it as defensiveness at all. You may choose not to post about your issues, that's fine, but why should it concern you if other people do?