about finding a pal to break the fast with, but I didn't mean as do it just to be doing it. I meant IF the stress of the first time is enough that it keeps you from relaxing enough to get to the first time, then do go ahead and get it out of the way. Different reason.

I know I just recently posted, but after reading through some of the letters I wanted to make a comment about those posters who say "just find someone to do it with, don't tell them you're a virgin, and get it over with". Maybe that's the way you did it, and maybe you were just lucky that it worked for you -- that the person wasn't creepy, demanding, or aggressive; that, if you're a woman, you just HAPPENED to be aroused and receptive to your partner; or if you're a man, that your partner didn't expect you to "perform".

Me, I'd much rather be with someone who can be patient and understanding and will take extra care to make sure I'm feeling safe and ready, emotionally and physically.

Amy

I also have to second what someone else posted about being attracted to very few men - I have found that to be the case with me as well. It's not that I have a list of "standards" men have to live up to - far from it, but I just don't feel that "hey, I'd like to fool around with you" vibe with very many men at all. I can count on both hands the number of guys I've met in my 30 years of life that I've felt that about. I might like and respect them a lot, think they're great, but the chemistry just isn't there for me. Then subtract the ones who aren't interested in you, and that leaves...very few.

This has nothing to do with not being interested in sex or dating, but if something doesn't "click" for me after knowing someone a while, I"m not going to force myself to date or be sexual with him just to have a boyfriend or to be "normal." I would rather form a friendship with that person and not have to feel guilty about not desiring them. I don't like to lead people on or hurt their feelings, and I think everyone deserves to be with someone who is hot for them, not just with them until something better comes along. This does mean that I spend a lot of time being lonely and/or sexually frustrated (yeah, masturbation just doesn't do it forever, though it is fun).

And I have also wondered about all these women who supposedly have trouble orgasming...why is being inexperienced a stigma, but sleeping with a lot of guys who can't get you off not? I have never had problems in that department, I think probably because I only sleep with/fool around with guys I am genuinely attracted to and interested in! That reduces my "number", but who cares? (and yes, I have had a couple drunken one nighters too, I understand how that can happen, but I certainly didn't go to to try to have relationships with those guys - cut your losses, people).

Lack of experience does not equal frigidity, and it doesn't mean a girl will be crap in bed either - maybe they're just blowing smoke up my butt, but I've been told I am good in bed, a good kisser, etc. Probably because I enjoy it and am not just doing it to please the guy, please society, fit in with my friends, be "normal," etc. Am I a freak while the virtuous married woman who hates sex and will only have it once a month as a "wifely duty" isn't? Why?

is the people here who say "you have no right to judge me!" or "there's nothing wrong with me!" also go on at length to explain exactly what unique variables have led to their celibacy. I personally suffered great shame during a period i went without sex for many years, so i get it--but if you're making the point that its really not important to who you are, why defend yourself or your reasons?

If it really doesn't matter than who really cares about the reasons other than you?

Ah, to be a fat girl in American society. You might as well be a child rapist. The hatred for the overweight is beyond sad. The article and the posters have just let me know that as a fat woman, I'm weird, strange, untouchable and gross. Thanks for the positive reinforcement America !

This article makes me so sad and angry, but it shouldn't surprise me. Seems like virgins are one of the last few minorities it's still perfectly all right to judge, put down, and make jokes about.

As an older adult virgin (early 40's), I'm well aware of the "stigma" this brings. As a result, I'm very careful about who I go out with and who I trust. My friends/family members who know about my virgin status couldn't care less; if anyone does, it's really more about their own hang-ups than it is about me.

I know my background, personality, and experiences, and know they are what brought me to this place in my life. I was a shy teenager, didn't date until college; in college I did experience some sexual activity which I thoroughly enjoyed, and even had a boyfriend briefly, and even though I had some opportunities to go all the way it never happened. Mainly because it just didn't feel right; I wasn't interested in losing my virginity to either 1) a guy I went out with who turned out to be verbally abusive, 2) a friend commiserating with me because he was in love with someone else, or 3) a boyfriend who couldn't even communicate with me about birth control.

After I graduated college my life spun out of control, and I fell into a deep depression and went through some huge life-changing upheavals that wound up taking me a long time to untangle. I realized I had a lot of my own stuff which I needed to work through, and wasn't even interested in getting involved with anyone; I couldn't even be there for myself, let alone for anyone else. I also wasn't interested in a casual relationship or having sex just for the sake of having sex. This was mainly during my 20's when practically everyone I knew was jumping in and out of each other's beds and the pressure to experiment with sex and relationships was pretty intense, so it took me a long time to accept that there wasn't anything wrong with me for wanting to take care of myself.

In time as I started to feel a renewed appreciation for myself, my interest in sex and relationships returned -- though I thought about finding someone to have sex with to "get it over with" and that lasted maybe, oh, about 2 weeks; I realized I hadn't done all this work just so I could rush to find someone out of fear that I'd be judged for my lack of sexual experience.

I date when I meet someone I want to get to know better, not out of desperation or any need to "get over it with". And if a guy has any "issues" with my virgin status, HE'S the one who's history -- and yes, I think he should know -- but it's important for me that I can know and trust someone before I would consider sleeping with them, and that it's someone who I feel comfortable and safe talking to BEFORE disclosing my past to (and to be clear, I want that to be mutual, too -- it doesn't matter to me that he's a virgin or not, but that he's thoughtful and mature). I would not want to be with anyone who wants to be with me out of pity or who I feel I need to hide my status from, as if I should feel ashamed -- because I don't, and anyone who would make me feel that way, I'm not all that interested in being with.

I mean, I don't need marriage or even a serious commitment, but what is WRONG with wanting to be with someone you mutually respect and appreciate?

I see virginity neither as a badge of shame nor a badge of honor; it's just where I happen to be at this time in my life. I'm not frigid; I'm not a prude; I take pleasure in and experiment with what turns me on; I don't see myself as ugly or unattractive; I have a full life with activities I enjoy and a supportive circle of family and friends; I'm very open-minded about sexuality and don't judge anyone else's sex life (some of my closest friends have very active and/or unconventional sex lives, yet we can still share our feelings/concerns regarding relationships and sexuality very openly with each other). And yes, I still have challenges I'm dealing with; fears and insecurities and self-doubt -- just like anyone else, virgin or not.

Yet, I'm sure there's going to be a lot of small-minded people reading this letter who are still just going to sneer and think, "what's wrong with her?" No matter who I am, I'm still a virgin, so in their eyes that just makes me a messed-up weirdo. Make all the virgins messed-up weirdos; it's so much easier than seeing people just as they are.

You want to judge me because I haven't had sexual intercourse yet? Go right on ahead. You don't even know me, but still you think you know EVERYTHING there is to know about me just because I'm a virgin? Or you're some guy who wants nothing to do with me just because I haven't had a penis in my vagina yet? Well that's just fine because I want nothing to do with you. YOU'RE not worth it.

Amy