Wait, all of this self-congratulation for wearing a Speedo bikini brief for lap swimming? That's completely sensible (although there are plenty of more modest and less buoyant options on the market). I was worried that this was going to turn out to be a treatise on wearing revealing swimwear for sunbathing. Glad to read that are beaches are still safe from unsightly bulges.

I used to cackle at men in Speedos, too. There was something funny - both funny strange and funny ha ha - about a man who seemed so anxious to call attention to his junk. But then I grew up and went on vacation to Rio and saw all those delicious smooth-chested, bronze-skinned, tall lanky Brasilian men playing soccer on the Copacabana and Ipanema beaches and I stood rooted to the spot, mouth open. I've never seen so much male skin on display, and the fact that it was nearly all fit and gorgeous sure didn't hurt matters much. Suddenly I didn't give a crap about my husband ogling the babes in their Brasilian bikinis. I had my own eye candy, the best since Sports Illustrated for women had it's Best 50 Bodies issue featuring an Ivy Leage water polo team - those guys were all in Speedos too, and they were so fantastically fit they seemed to have developed extra muscles around the hip/pelvis area that led the eye downward to their - as Mr. Broudy so aptly named - 'excitable dachsunds'.

But lust aside, it was the liberated attitude about the body that was really captivating. Everyone in Rio goes as bare as they dare. On the Sunday promenade along of Copacabana beach people of all ages sauntered in their bikinis and briefs. I saw a woman well into her 60s strutting along in tight white capris, her thong clearly visible from the back. Her equally old husband strolled her, belly bulging above his Speedo.

I love this egalitarian approach to ogling. I don't know where American men get the idea that women don't care about men's looks. Yeah, sure, other things matter - sense of humor blah blah. But on the beach, well, they don't. I'm sick of guys wearing knee-length board shorts. They look stupid. You might as well be wearing corduroys. Get in shape and get in a Speedo! And don't worry about people having a difficult time looking you in the eye when you're standing before them in your low-slung glory. It hasn't stopped women from wearing bikinis. You might even find you enjoy the attention.

Funny double standard. Women, girls, all are expected to wear form-fitting swimwear. Men and boys are expected to wear extra-baggy shorts past their knees. Women aren't "supposed to" engage in sex, while men are lauded for being, well, sluts. No WONDER Americans are so weird about intimacy and self-image.

I remember similar trepidation the first time that I wore Speedos. Extremely self conscious, hands clasped over my front, feigning nonchalance... Then again, I was a thirteen-year-old boy at the time. What's everyone else's excuse?

Once I was in the water, it was great. Nothing draping around my thighs, dries in a snap. I was sold.

I chuckle now about American males' squeemishness over the whole "grape smuggler" thing. Get over it. Europe and Asia (!!), it's not a problem. They're just damned nice for swimming.

And guys, (well I'm generalizing here but...) you're just not that hot. So don't worry about gawkers staring at you with lust in their heart. So c'mon in guys. The water's fine. Besides, you'll look like a TOTAL geek if you try lap swimming in board shorts.

Usually, the guys seen in Speedos on the beach aren't. And while it's probably wrong to mock someone for their body type, this is really what the anti-Speedo thing comes down to. Had the guy in the photo (no idea if he's the author or not) had a big bulge above the waistband, and some jiggling man breasts to boot, the reader response would be quite different.

I'm thinking someone at Salon has been inspired by all the "what the hell is this fluff" letters in response to the Life articles and decided to post the most insipid diatribes about inconsequentials they can find. Or maybe the pile of filler has reached the dregs.

I mean seriously, a one page (yet still too long at 10 paragraphs) essay about choosing to wear a speedo when swimming laps? Someone got paid for this crap?

And is that a photo of the author with the article? Christ in a banana sling dude, there's more depth and honesty on the average LiveJournal post.

I mean, what's next?

Getting High

As Crunchy Feminist I Never Thought I'd Torture Myself With Extreme Heels, But Check Out This Kicky Pair.

Beyond Jitters

I Thought I'd Never Be Able To Function On Decaf, But Without The Morning Coffee Fix There's A Whole New Day.

This was one step removed from an Onion essay. Actually, Jim Anchower has more depth. What little humor was in this piece was microphone and brick wall comedy.

It is the second essay by a guy where the content of the full text is less than the two line summary below the headline - the first was that "My vision problems resulted in dating an ugly chick" idiocy.

What's the point here? That men suck even harder at memoir than the women? Anne Lamont bugs the crap out of me, but at least there's some substance to her egocentricity.

Getting back to my original point, I think this one was posted only to get the letters. I can't think of any other reason Salon would deem this worthy of being called content.

The teaser says the author was strutting poolside while wearing a Speedo.

I get to the end of the article, and it turns out the author was suffering all of his angst over wearing a Speedo while swimming laps.

I don't think of Portland, Oregon as a hotbed of the fashion avant garde, but when I started lap swimming in 1989 the vast majority of male lap-swimmers wore Speedos, including me, the scrawny runner. This wasn't in the trendy athletic clubs, either, this was in a public pool in the basement of a local grade school.

What this article really needed was Graham Chapman, as The Commander, to come in halfway through and say "Allright, Mr. Broudy, stop this article, it's much too silly!" and stop the article.