The problem with motherhood in America isn't necessarily the unrealistic expectations of mothers, though the expectations we do have of mothers are indeed unrealistic. It's that we live in a culture that is toxic to the family.

Jack Welch was quite honest about the work/life balance in his book, aptly entitled "Winning." To win as he did, he admitted, meant he had little to do with this kids except occasionally demand they do their homework. When the "winners" in the family are expending their capital - their life's energy - to make money, more money, mountains of money, someone, the wife, usually steps away from "winning" and takes up the chores and responsitilibities of family. Caring for others in our self-focused culture is inherently difficult.

When the breadwinner is not a "winner" like Jack Welch, there then can be economic stresses on the family that make it difficult to be a homemaker. I'm not talking Judith Warner stresses of whether to get the pony rides or the clown for the 4th birthday party - I'm talking about not taking a vacation in years to self-pay the family insurance. Or hoping the ancient car makes it another year because you know you cannot afford new car payments. Or worrying how your kids will make it in a world where college will cost $115,000 a year.

No wonder mothers are depressed.

"Well, you should feel guilty if you know you're depressed and you know you're doing bad things to the kids and you don't get off your duff and do something about it. It can be as simple as going to doctor and describing symptoms...I'm not saying women who don't take care of it are bad moms, just that these are women who are suffering from an illness."

No, she's not saying that these women are "bad moms," she's just saying that they should feel guilty if they don't do as they should (which I'm sure is super easy to both identify and act on if you're depressed). When is it ever good to recommend that someone (let alone someone who's depressed) feel guilty?

And I don't think diagnosing or treating depression is "simple" by any stretch of the imagination. Here, Thompson generalizes from her (middle class) sample that isn't generalizable.

That's a shame. I was going to read the book until I came across this statement. What an opportunity lost to really approach a complex and important issue that needs better thinking than this.

I can understand how a lot of moms in this country end up depressed: in addition to having an incredibly difficult task (especially with more than one kid), people in American society tend to be isolated compared with what has historically been the norm throughout human history. Historically, people lived near extended family or with the same set of neighbors for much of their life. Our transient society in the US does not permit these types of roots to develop.

When I had kids, I moved back to the area where I had my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, and even in-laws. Any time I was struggling with watching the kids, I could take them over to a relative's house where they would be fussed over and I would have a chance to eat, sleep, relax, and hear the family news and neighborhood gossip. Being able to connect with this level of support structure was the only thing that kept me from feeling overwhelmed and emotionally drained.

The truth is, I don't know how other women without this type of extended family structure manage. I had one and I still went through days feeling incredibly down and lonely. How on early do women with no family nearby do it? In addition to all the other pressures that motherhood brings, the structure of our society has undermined the deep social support networks that all moms need. Standards go up but resources go down!

As the child of a depressed mother, I think it's important to recognize the other half of the motherhood myth: that children will always love their mothers, no matter what. If a mother doesn't have the courage to seek help, she doesn't deserve her children's affections later on in life. I wish my mother could have read this book back when it could have made a difference.

Our role as parents is to prepare our children for 60+ years of living independent lives, not provide 24x7 stimulation for years that won't even be remembered. I went to a birthday party for a one year old and was flabbergasted. I thought one year old birthdays should be a family affair - a cupcake with a candle, grandad with the video camera, a song, and that's it. Instead it was 20 kids with parents, and the attendees got gift bags. Gift bags! They were already getting cake and ice cream and games - wasn't that the 'gift'! I thought the gifts were reserved for the birthday celebrant?! Apparently not - apparently impressing the parents of the attendees has become as or more important as the happiness of the birthday child. It was excessive, ridiculous and nauseating, and anyone suffering from depression for letting this sort of crap define the meaning of their life deserves it.

Mothering is only a competitive sport because wome make it so. Women are their own worst critics and enemies about *every*thing - weight, behavior, style (you'll never see an article about age appropriate dressing in a men's magazine but women love to censure one another on this front) etc...but especially motherhod.

Children are part of a family, *not* the family entire. They aren't the even the nucleus - that's the parents, the marriage. Parents must have high self esteem in order to have adequate resources to devote to their children. Not children-derived esteem, but SELF-esteem. It seems to me most of the depression I seen in modern mothers has to do with the fact that they have nothing to fulfill them but their children, which of course isn't enough. My boyfriend has other interests besides his daughter - skiing, snowboarding, biking, travelling, language, art. He pursues all of them with vigor. I think he's a better dad for it, and she is certainly benefitting as well - it's much more fun to describe/show her how to trim a wick for a candlelamp while 'camping' in the backyard than it is to read Strawberry Shortcake for the thousandth time, for both of them.

Loving, developing and nurturing yourself does not take away from your child - quite the opposite. I can't imagine my boyfriend feeling guilty for telling his daughter, as I've heard him "can you play by yourself for awhile, daddy wants to read the paper". Having an ordinary adult life is something he is entitled to and must have - he sees it, rightly, as making him a more complete and balanced adult and therefore father. I can see by his daughter's behavior, happiness, the light in her eyes, that he is right.