Letters to the Editor
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Storms pass through
Lamotte’s essay to me seemed the perfect recounting of the peak intensity of a storm. I think her slap was probably triggered not by the incident itself but by weeks of the tension that results from things unsaid between two people. It seems to me her son was the one who demanded that that tension be broken, by the means teenagers use best- provocation. Afterwards her son came in and watched CNN with her. That act seemed to me like a quiet reconciliation, the peaceful rain after all the thunder and lightening. Hopefully new green shoots will sprout in the days ahead.
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Since We're All Amateur Psychologists Here On the 'Net...
The level of vitriol, hysterical handwaving, and deliberate, dishonest misframing of the contents of the article indicates to me that there are a lot of peple here workng out their own screwed up mommy issues.
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Whose the boss?
Annie Honey, you need a little reminder that you are not the boss of Sam. As you discovered, you cannot slap him into respect. Tell him how much you regret that act and that you won't do it again. Your partnership is changing as he ages and you forgot to pay attention and move along with the changes. He's ahead of you on this count. No, its not good that he drives carelessly and it is good that you are paying attention to that, but don't let this become a struggle of wills. Make some fair and sensible guidelines for driving, make them WITH him, and also with him, determine fair consequences. Ask him to help you figure out how to be a good Mom to an older teen. Remind him that you haven't done this before and sometimes you need a helping hand. You are responsible for not letting a "phase" become a pattern of interaction. He will want to participate with you because he is smart and caring, just like his Mom. You are now only the boss of you because he has become the boss of himself. That's a good thing and is as it was meant to be.
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Deliberate, dishonest misframing?
She slapped her kid across his face and never so much as told him she was sorry she did.
Then she took money to tell the world about what she did and why her son is to blame and she used the opportunity to insult her child numerous times in print.
If you don't like that frame, blame Anne Lamott.
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To Slapped Like Sam
I see your point, and I apologize.
I didn't mean to give her choice to slap him a pass. (Nor follow up after reflection by kicking in his door...that is a red flag.)
You're right. It would be hard to forgive. I'm sorry it happened to you.
I was slapped once, unenthusiastically, by my father (I had screeched "I hate you!" at my mother and that was beyond his comprehension...he was born in 1911 and raised with a code that would never allow such disrespect), but he was easy for forgive because he was such a gentle soul.
It really did hurt him more than me.
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Thanks!
For proving my point! You guys are the best!
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Another Mother...
It doesn't matter that your father only slapped you once, and that "unenthusiatically." To the self appointed family court judges here, he's an ABUUUUUUUUSER!
Mistakes are not allowed. Failure to live up to the highest standard is not allowed. Ever. Anyone who thinks differently...well, they might as well be an abuser themselves.
Right, gang?
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Paying Anne back for a favor done a long time ago
Ann Lamott's book, Bird By Bird, is for my money the best writing book out there. As a professional writer I have to say that her advice, something along the lines of "Do whatever it takes to get a sh***y first draft," has pulled my fat out of the fire of the blank page more times than I can count. So I owe her, and here it is. Yo? Everybody? Anne is a writer. She is doing what writers do. They mine every event of their own lives and every person they have ever known in the process of bringing something into the world. Their families and friends deal with it or they don't. How would you like to be anybody Jack Kerouac ever knew? Or William Shakespeare for that matter--where do you think he got all those people?
Just the fact that she has managed to generate this many letters in three days means that, as a writer, Anne has been successful. Look how many of us she has touched. I don't have children (go ahead, shoot me) but my sister does, and my friends do, and they are all going through this in one form or another. I am going through it with people I've known since they were born who now scorn me because I am old. I can walk away and come back ten years later--their parents can't. On the other hand, and I think it's where a lot of the vitriol is coming from, we were all teenagers, and we all went through it, and there is in all of our minds that one unforgivable thing that They did. I'd say Anne did a great job.
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One Slap = Abuser?!
Wow, then most of the children (and ex-children) in the world should be a big pile of abused victimhood wallowing on the floor, whining. I'm sorry, there's child abuse, and there's the occassional slap/spank. Give me a break. I hope i never slap/spank my kids if i have them, but i'm not going to give a abused-child victim pass to anyone who was slapped/spanked when they were little on account of that, including myself.
People, grow up. Kids, especially teenagers can be HORRIBLE. My contracts professor wrote a whole exam question based on his 16-year-old son's ridiculous behavior. Please, just try to remember how horrible you were.
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LeCastor -
It doesn't matter how bad of a teenager you were, your parents still aren't supposed to hit you. Most people here are not saying Anne or anyone who hits their kid once is a child abuser. What we're saying is that it's troubling that she did it and didn't apologize, that she made it all about her, that she seems to be trying to find some justification for it when there is none, ever. Many of you have commented on all the vitriol leveled at poor Anne. I am astonished at the things being said about teenagers here by their own parents. None of us are perfect parents and we've all fucked up. But when that happens, it is ALWAYS our fault, not our children's.