Letters to the Editor
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How about some compassion for Sam?
Sorry, but publishing this story on Salon makes it fair game. Furthermore, I have loved and defended Anne Lamott for years and will continue to defend her against those who are criticizing her for such sins as being liberal or a "dirty hippie" or living in Marin. However, I just can't find anything redeeming in this story and I don't think those of us who are saying so are being mean or without compassion for Anne. I'm disappointed because she doesn't seem to be willing to take the responsibility that goes along with being the grownup and having all the power.
Even though your teenage children may not seem to be listening to you or to care what you think, I believe that the opposite is really true. They hear everything,especially the criticism. They take it all very literally, and they give it much more weight than it deserves. Anne says she has "raised such a horrible child." She compares Sam to Jeffrey Dahmer. She mentions "the boy I loved" (past tense). She calls him a liar. She says she's "loved and given him so much more than anyone else" as if this is not the least you should do for your child. She never mentions having apologized for hitting Sam. She talks about how long it may take her to forgive him (for fucking up a tire? or for making her feel bad about herself?), again as if this is not the least you should do for your child.
Finally, not-quite-17-year-old boys are not ready to leave home; if anything they are more immature and needy than when they were 12. It's not even clear whether Sam has had a job yet if he "has little money of his own." He doesn't need Outward Bound, he doesn't need another father figure, he just needs his mom to be an adult and to get over herself.
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To Dusty Rhoades
"But as someone who regulalrly represents children in abuse and neglect cases I wish slapping was the worst humiliation I'd ever seen visited on a child."
Actually, Dusty, my father went to prison for 10 years for the abuse he meted out to me and my sisters and it would probably rank right up there with some of the worst you have seen. My point is that slapping someone across the face is a very intimate and controlling act and is often just the tip of the iceberg. It crosses a line that a parent should never cross.
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If Anne Lamott were my mother
"sullen" and "scornful" would be the least of it. Her nauseating, self-indulgent, hypocritical jesus-freakery would have that effect on any sane person.
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Hotflashcarol
So we agree slapping's not the 'ultimate" indignity. Indeed if often is tip of the iceberg.
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You are not alone!
Dear Anne,
I talked to my mother on my cell while I was walking on my lunch break today, about the very thing you are going through! I too needed some advice. When I got back to work I opened my email and read, 'My son, the stranger'. Anne, I think we have a connection. I think that humans are so much more alike than we dare to believe. My son, Mitchel, even did the same thing to 'his' vehicle(at 17). Though he didn't ruin the tire when he hit the curb as he rounded the corner, the joint itself broke and the tire tilted at a 45 degree angle and couldn't be driven until I spent nearly $300 to fix it!
If we do have a connection, I'm sure you've heard from a bunch of others who feel the same way. I have a dear friend who is also a writer and first suggested 'Bird by Bird' to me as a gift for an aspiring writer, my niece, who was graduating from high school. I came across 'Operating Instructions' when my son was young and my admiration for you grew. I wish I was as good as you at understanding even my own feelings. I've kind of given up trying to understand my son. He was born in 1987, and has every one of those ADHD symptoms (but not medicated). I've never been married, and I'm pretty much responsible for how he's turned out. Though, as you say, he is responsible too (or in this case irresponsible).
Last week, my son, who flunked out of his first year of college, and has been sitting on his butt playing video or computer games, was driving me so crazy, I threatened an ultimatum (and I hate doing that). I told him if he didn't have his resume updated and to a friend (who had great connections for a job) by Friday, he would have to look for another place to live. Can you imagine? So, when I read your piece about why they act this way...so that we can let them go...it started to make sense. Until he leaves, it doesn't make living with him any easier, but I know that he doesn't hate me now, at least probably not all the time. His laziness, his staying up until 4:30 am gaming, his attitude when I ask him to do ANYTHING, are more than I know how to put up with. I am such a Pisces, and I cry a lot, and now I've started menopause which isn't helping. I'm thinking I'll have a talk with him and give him some more time to land a job, and talk about 'options' instead of ultimatums. He needs to get a job by mid June, and be helping around the house, or I will help him find a place to move to, even a sleeping room at the 'Y'. My mother said she'd pay the first month's rent. Now, can I be strong enough to do it? I am such a nag now, and I hate being that person. I also don't want him living with me if he continues to take advantage of me. I would have to kick him out, but he is so immature, I can't imagine how he will survive. I have awful visions of him still living with me when he's 30.
I can tell you so many things that didn't work for Mitchel (if you ever need to vent, or you are wondering what not to do...feel free to contact me), but obviously, I haven't figured out how to help my brilliant son get the basis for leading a happy, successful life. If I can just remember to love him, even when he doesn't seem to care, step back instead of protect him, and stand firm in this puddle at my feet.