Letters to the Editor
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That'll Learn Ya
It's become a pattern here at Salon...post something heartfelt and honest about the difficulties and heartaches of raising children, then brace for the onslaught of letters telling you what a horrible parent you are.
I wonder how many of these self-appointed family court judges have children at all...I know none of them have half the talent and courage it takes to write about it.
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May she who is without sin throw the first slap
I'm a single mom of a little brown-eyed boy who is almost 11. I discovered Anne's Operating Instructions during my pregnancy and really connected with her experience. I appreciated that she depicted parenthood as difficult, thankless work at the same time she described the amazing joy she found in her son. I thought of them often in my son's first few years.
One of the facts I have always known about my son is that someday he will be bigger than me, and someday, he will say, 'no.' And on that day, the only thing that will keep him from pushing me aside and doing what he wants is the boundaries and respect I have established in his childhood.
Sam is pushing those boundaries, that's his job. Just like the toddler, whose favorite word is, "no," it is the teenager's purpose to push the limits and establish themselves as separate people than their parents. He's also displaying the respect that he has for his mother. Many a 17 year-old would not have taken that slap and come back and washed the cars—albeit lousily—two more times. He showed restraint and patience. He's a good kid.
He wants to separate himself, he's trying to grow up. The best way for that to happen would be for him to earn the right to drive the car in a way that is not reliant on Anne's subjective opinions of his driving. If the solution also allowed Anne to acknowledge the boundary of her son's growing autonomy and respect that he is almost an adult, all the better.
The car privileges should be dependant on his ability to pay his own insurance and gas bill. He should earn this money through a job he finds on his own, that his not connected in anyway to his mother. This way he learns the cost of the privilege of driving and learns self-reliance. He also would not be able to direct his resentment at his mother, should he not be able to earn the money he needs. Both the burden and the reward would fall on his own shoulders and that gives Sam the opportunity to move towards becoming an adult, and that is good parenting.
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Thanks, Anne
As a parent, I know all too well the feeling of dread when you've just done something you can't take back...and you need to keep right on parenting anyway.
In a land of judgmental non-parents, judgmental parents who don't do the lion's share of raising their kids, and judgmental perfect parents (or so they'd have us believe), your honesty and transparency about what parenting is really like is very much appreciated by this imperfect mom.
When Sam's a dad, he'll be well comforted by the knowledge that, like most parents, you did the best you could without an operating manual and with constant doubt. He'll be glad to have a model of an honest parent.
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Haven't we read this before
I’m certain that this article was published in Salon before, last year maybe. Or is it that the subject matter of this type of article has become too predicable?
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letter writers with more issues than Anne
Very blatant themes here. The ones who hate any mention of religion blast Anne for that. The ones who hate liberals, the ones who hate Marin county, the ones who just have some gripe with Anne. The ones who hate any sort of honesty about feelings or abortions or human weakness or substance abuse.
I think it's odd that when Anne admits imperfection and failure she gets slammed for it. I wonder what her critics are like, do they ever look at themselves? I remember from her own writing that Anne's upbringing was far from easy. I admire her for trying to be a great parent. I think she succeeds. Someday we will be hearing that from Sam, I have no doubt.
Thank you to the person above who explains Anne's limits in writing about her son's more personal issues and that she gets permission before publication from persons she has written about.
Thank you Salon for giving Anne this space so we can hear from her more often. I do admire her combination of honesty, humanity and wonderful writing.
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Can I have an opinion?
I'm not a parent- but I do remember being slapped in the face by my parents. I remember the sting after 20 years. Am I allowed to have an opinion on this?
Let's not lose sight of the fact that the writer assaulted her son over the matter of a deflated tire.
Let's not lose sight of the fact that a 16 yr old kid simply cannot give his consent to being written about in this irresponsible manner. He is not a consenting adult.
I don't see any bravery in Lamott's essay. I mostly see an attention-seeking coward, who'd rather talk to Jesus and the readers of Salon, than to discuss the matter with her son.
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You missed the point
"Thank you to the person above who explains Anne's limits in writing about her son's more personal issues and that she gets permission before publication from persons she has written about."
I'm the person who posted that and you missed the point. Lamott said she was only going to write about Sam in passing and that she wouldn't reveal anything too personal. This essay is entirely about Sam and she revealed something extremely personal. She's discarded her self-imposed limits to write this essay, and it's not fair to Sam. And yes to the poster who pointed out he's a minor and can't truly give consent to being written about.
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Narcissistic
I think writing about minor family members should be off limits. If I were Lamott's editor, I'd spike the column. Even if her son "consented," he's a dependent who is hardly in a position to refuse, is he?