you never hear of zero population growth in most places that could really use it. The US is a pretty big place, we have room to spare. Other places ion earth are not so fortuate and there seems to be no concern for current and future resources.

Wow, I can't believe I made it through this dribble. I haven't read an essay by someone this self-absorbed and conceited for quite a while. Special breed of Smiths, indeed. If he thinks, as he clearly states several times, that he's the only one having this debate, he must have had his head under a rock for decades. Piper's not one-of-a-kind, and Larry's a dime a dozen.

Larry, you're not as special as you think you are. Get over yourself.

I think a lot of parents would have chosen not to have kids, for all kinds of reasons.

My mom was one of them. She told me when I was old enough to understand that it wasn't anything personal about me; my mom simply realized that what she lost by having kids was more than what she gained. (My dad, on the other hand, always wanted kids and is very happy to have us.)

And you know? I am really glad she told me that, because it made my own decision not to have children so much easier. She was a great mom, and a great woman.

The issue this couple is facing is not whether or not they should have kids - it's about who is going to take responsibility for making that decision. Piper refuses to either veto the idea of having children or to wholeheartedly embrace it, and Smith seems already resentful of being pushed (he claims) into unilaterally making a decision on the matter, a decision that could be "wrong", because...

...in the future, she *might* resent his having talked her into having children she didn't want!

...in the future, he *might* resent her reluctance to have kids for depriving him of the chance to be a father!

It's a false dilemma. The choice is a joint one; there is no calculus of parent-worthiness, no formula where you can plug in Piper's 30% and Smith's 65% and get an answer about which road leads to happiness. There is no way to know whether your choice is "right" or "wrong", if things would have really been better if another choice were made.

Anyway, the decision they need to work out - jointly! - isn't whether they *should* have kids, it's whether they want to try to have kids. Not exactly the same thing, and no results guaranteed, either.

Smith makes clear that for Piper, children are neither necessary nor sufficient to her having a full and happy life. I wonder if that bit of wisdom, which Smith is able to report but seems unable to absorb, isn't the emotional preparedness that Piper alluded to?

So let go of your perfectionism, Larry, and take some of the pressure off yourself, your wife, and your (future, hypothetical) kids. It's not up to you, alone. Hold your wife's hand, and go down whichever road you both choose, together.

Doesn't "Upscale, intelligent folks" describe the parents of the Duke lacrosse team? How could those attributes contribute to successful parenting? Money? For what, an Xbox 360? Lots of smart people aren't smart parents and there are plenty of "first world" communities that are hostile and antisocial. Please clarify what you mean.

I didn't bring up good or bad socialization, I simply said these people are not the ones who are causing problems which need to be addressed with zero population growth.

It seems every time there is an article in Salon about having a baby, or even parenthood in general, there follows an avalanche of letters. Kudos to those who wrote thoughtful and non-judgmental letters. I happen to have kids, and I always try to tell the truth about them, especially to my child-free friends. I don’t believe in the pretense of perfection. Yes, parenthood surprisingly hard but also surprisingly rewarding. I hear climbing Mount Everest is hard but rewarding, too, but that does not mean it’s for everyone!

But there is a disturbing amount of…

“Non-Parents are selfish!” “Parents are selfish!” Wah!

Thinking you have the right or obligation to tell someone else how to live their life – now that’s selfish. Do you walk up to strangers in restaurants and tell them what food to order, too? Actually, the Pew Charitable Trust did a landmark study in 2004 that showed, unequivocally, that the percentage of selfishness in parents and non-parents is *exactly* equal.

Want kids? Have ‘em. Don’t want kids? Don’t have ‘em.

What is *actually* sad is when people aren’t allowed to live their own choices due to external forces like - infertility, financial problems, or (conversely) lack of access to birth control and reproductive choices.

That settled? OK, now let’s all go do something more productive than fighting :)

Peggy Sanger said:"you never hear of zero population growth in most places that could really use it. The US is a pretty big place, we have room to spare. Other places on earth are not so fortuate and there seems to be no concern for current and future resources."

USA produces the bulk of world's waste. A single child here consumes as much resources as almost 400 children in Africa.

Your life is perfect now. However, I just came home from the funeral of my 50 year old brother in law, who died suddenly and unexpectedly. My sister and he decided not to burden themselves with children and live pretty distant from all other members of the family. Her friends have been great but it’s been a few months, the calls and visits are slowing down to pre-event levels, and I think she’s starting to sense the loneliness of her situation.

Dude, I hate to break the news to you, but having children is not going to protect you from the kind of wretched loneliness your sister-in-law in experiencing.

My Aunt raised two children. One died of a drug overdose, and the other became a doctor and moved 3000 miles away. He is to "busy" to stay in touch. She has multiple sclerosis, fends for herself, lives in poverty, and has very few friends because quite frankly she lived for her children and occupied herself entirely with the "mommy" thing.

Visit a nursing home sometime and talk to some of the extremely neglected parents and grandparents who never hear anything at all from their progeny. I sincerely doubt that any of them expected their lives to turn out this way.

Somewhere along the way, you have to accept that parenting entitles you to nothing-- you still have to take care of yourself. Giving birth does not exempt your from living your own life-- I think a lot of people who become parents do so frankly because the latter feels a lot scarier than the former. That's called a cop-out.

Now a couple without children might very well spend their ample free time cultivating a wide network of friends and taking part in fulfilling activities that will last them until the day they die. My own career is in software, but I am also a human right activist, a writer, and spend many evenings after work strength-training, kickboxing, and fencing. I reckon I will always have someone to spar with, a poem to write, a cause to work for. Can you say the same?