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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
I sympathize with Mr. Smith and his partner’s dilemma. The decision of whether to bring a new life into the world is certainly momentous. However, as I read his article, I was struck how, after many years together, he and Piper were only now broaching topics that should have been discussed long ago. As Sara from NJ pointed out, it is not just whether to have a child, all of the other issues surrounding caring for a child also need to be discussed.
That is why I have come to realize that before couples get married or commit to life-long relationships they should have THE BIG CONVERSATIONS (e.g., children, where to live, career goals, money issues) up front so that they can avoid tragic differences of opinion, philosophy, life plans, etc. down the road. These are a difficult series of conversations for people on the cusp of long-term commitments to have and can result in couples a discovering potential deal breakers in their relationship. As a result, it is understandable that couples might be tempted to avoid such discussions and simply hope for the best, as Mr. Smith seems to have done. But in my view, it is only fair to one’s partner to broach these topics early, so that at the very least each side knows what they are getting into.
Your description of your Dream Girl makes both of you sound like L. L. Bean models - beautiful, perfect, smug, smart, thoughtful, utterly self-absorbed, but happy to spray a little false modesty around when you realize it would help your images.
In other words, you're both about, what? Twelve?
Kids will mature you, that's for sure. Kids will expand you beyond all reason, or belief. I think you should have them - I think you're about ready to move away from the relentlessly smug narcissism that's run your life so far.
I'm not sure Piper is, though. Has she matured at all past that nauseating, cutesy-poo description of her? If she hasn't, then the two of you are heading in different directions, and you need to jump ship. Dream Girls who don't mature past the Dream Girl stage are death to the soul in middle age, both theirs and yours.
Up to you. Piper sounds like she doesn't even want to deal with a puppy, and that's usually the first step that L. L. Bean-drenched couples take.
Get real, guy. That's all you've got left, with kids or without.
Of course, they almost never admit it. That's the trouble with making this decision: you have imperfect information, because parents that are glad they have kids gush on and on about it (while also being oddly defensive - see some of the letters here). But the parents who regret having kids keep quiet. It's a complete taboo in our society to say you regret having children, but for many people, it's true.
Still, it's not too difficult to see this truth if you really pay attention to the parents around you - watch their actions, not their words. Just look around. I've seen far too many friends and family members turn from happy, relaxed, basically content people into harried, stricken shells of their former selves. They seem unsure of themselves and nervous all the time. They're evasive when I ask questions about their experience. They're exhausted. Women very frequently fall out of love with their husbands, who they now see as annoying drains on their energy. Husbands often mourn the loss of their wives, whose love and attention is taken up entirely by the child. At the same time, they love their child with all their might, even as that child has ruined everything else in their lives.
I don't mean to suggest that this is everyone's experience - far from it. Many people take to parenthood easily and with joy. But don't kid yourself - for many people, it's miserable. And they just might admit it to you if you get a few drinks in them and assure them over and over how you won't judge them. I've had 3 parents admit to me, very guiltily and with tears, that even though they love their child deeply, if they could go back and do it again, they would never have kids - and that they're more miserable than they've ever been. They'll admit that they have constant fantasies about escaping and never coming back.
Don't forget that when Dear Abbey asked readers if they regretted having kids, more than 70% said they did (out of thousands of responses). Of course that's not a scientific sample, but still. It shows that many people DO regret it, although they'd never admit it in a non-anonymous forum. And it's really too bad, because if parents were more honest about their experiences, it would really help out the rest of us, who aren't sure. All our cultural stories are one-sided, and many are flat-out lies.
A few thoughts on your article:
1) No one is ever ready for children, it’s a shock no matter who you are or how ready you think you are. Also, you never have enough money for kids, yet there’s always enough to go around in 99.99% of cases. If you’re waiting to be emotionally or financially ready, don’t bother.
2) You don’t love your children, you fall in love with your children. It’s hard to explain the difference but it’s a big difference.
3) You say that your father did have any worries if there would actually be a “next generation”. Yet you’re 36, born right in the middle of the cold war and not long after you were born I remember Meathead telling Archie that it wasn’t fair to bring children into this world becue they would never be able to grow up. Know what? Every generation thinks this way.
4) Babies are different from children. I have 3 kids, and I love doing things with them. But man, I found babies to be boring. Not the first rush of “OMG I’m a dad!” but I could see my partner was much more into the infant thing than I was. But when you can a ball around with them, teach them to swim, read comics together, that’s fun.
5) Your life is perfect now. However, I just came home from the funeral of my 50 year old brother in law, who died suddenly and unexpectedly. My sister and he decided not to burden themselves with children and live pretty distant from all other members of the family. Her friends have been great but it’s been a few months, the calls and visits are slowing down to pre-event levels, and I think she’s starting to sense the loneliness of her situation.
6) There really is something special about your own DNA on the hoof. It is definitely deep in the psyche.
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Salon headlines in your mailbox
