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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
"Convincing" someone is something you do over what film to see, or, at most, what apartment to rent - NOT whether or not to have a baby.
I can't imagine giving up the love of your life over kids, as he suggests is possible - does he realize how fortunate he is to have found what he has now? How few people find anyone that great and perfect for them?
And yet he wants MORE.
He wants her to 'change' when HE wants things to change. He wants her to want a baby suddenly, although she never wanted one before - did he assume that she would be like the 'stylish women' he mentioned, who overnight realize that they want motherhood?
If someone doesn't want kids, "convincing" them otherwise is a selfish, destructive idea. People who are 'talked in to' wanting something don't really want it - they are being conciliatory at worst, hopeful that their own feelings will somehow change at best.
If she doesn't want a baby, do her the honor of taking her opinion and feelings seriously, treating her attitude respectfully - and stop treating the issue like some 'game' that you want to win.
(even though you yourself aren't sure about kids, either...even worse)
None of the reasons you list for having a baby are good reasons - you only talk about crap like handing out orange slices as the oldest father, about what your friends want, about the family name. Nowhere do you talk about how great it would be to PLAY soccer with your kid, how great to enjoy his/her company, how great to watch them grow - all of your stated reasons are narcissistic or about peer/social pressure.
Those who don't have kids are not genetically inferior, as some here suggest - they are simply better at resisting biology, or less susceptible to biology. In fact, people intelligent enough to separate a biological urge from intellect, and give the 'urge' serious thought, are examples of finer humanity.
Get off her back. If you are dumb enough to dump a great love over some mindless urge to procreate and a few social pressures, you don't deserve her anyway, sweetie. You sound like a nice guy, but you are unrealisitic about what parenthood is, and how you are looking at the issue is sophomoric and simplistic.
Has it occured to you that maybe you fell in love with a woman who doesn't want kids because you aren't meant to have any?
They smile at and laugh with you when you get home from work at night. They express their love for you in more ways than you can imagine before having them -- from silly bander to snuggly naps. They reward you with their excitment at mastering a new talent. Every evening they enable you to forget work and all of its stresses and focus on home, family, and how lucky you are to have people who love you. Giving love results in getting back love ten-fold. Its this giving and receiving of love that makes us happy and content. From my perspective, its the love that children freely and willingly offer their parents that makes them so precious and such a tremendous addition to one's life.
First of all seems you knew that she wasn't looking to be a Mommy. Now that she's said well "maybe 30%" you want to push the issue. That means she's 70% sure she does NOT want them. Do you really want to possibly ruin what sounds like a great marriage?
Have you talked about if you did have children, who would the various duties? Who would stay home from their job when the child is sick? Who gets to work late and who gets passed up on the career track because they have to be home when school is out and take time off for sick children and doctors. This is a career move that usually can not be made up. Will she resent you if this happens to her?
I say keep your life as is, but maybe also join Big Brother/Big Sister to meet those needs you have to nurture children. Or volunteer and the community center or to coach soccer. Baby sit for your friends. There are many ways to have children in your life part time.
They smile at and laugh with you when you get home from work at night. They express their love for you in more ways than you can imagine before having them -- from silly bander to snuggly naps. They reward you with their excitment at mastering a new talent. Every evening they enable you to forget work and all of its stresses and focus on home, family, and how lucky you are to have people who love you. Giving love results in getting back love ten-fold. Its this giving and receiving of love that makes us happy and content. From my perspective, its the love that children freely and willingly offer their parents that makes them so precious and such a tremendous addition to one's life.
This still seems selfish, because this person is saying that the reward is unconditional love. That it's a great "love investment": " Giving love results in getting back love ten-fold. " A puppy can love you even more, i think.
Sounds dramatic but it's true. If you want to have that kind of feeling, that kind of love, toward another person, then parenthood is for you.
This seems really inspiring because it is selfless. If people only had children for this reason, there would be a lot more happy people in this world, because their parents didn't want anything from them in return. I suggest the author search within himself if he can be that man, and if he wants to be that man, and if not, forget it.
Also, i agree that trying to convince her seems horribly exploitative and manipulative. i was especially struck by the phrase "the womb was ajar," like she's some sort of babymaker.
I sympathize with Mr. Smith and his partner’s dilemma. The decision of whether to bring a new life into the world is certainly momentous. However, as I read his article, I was struck how, after many years together, he and Piper were only now broaching topics that should have been discussed long ago. As Sara from NJ points out, it is not just whether to have a child, all of the other issues surrounding caring for a child also need to be discussed.
That is why I have come to realize that before couples get married or commit to life-long relationships they should have THE BIG CONVERSATIONS (e.g., children, where to live, career goals, money issues) up front so that they can avoid tragic differences of opinion, philosophy, life plans, etc. down the road. These are a difficult series of conversations for people on the cusp of long-term commitments to have and can result in couples a discovering potential deal breakers in their relationship. As a result, it is understandable that couples might be tempted to avoid such discussions and simply hope for the best, as Mr. Smith seems to have done. But in my view, it is only fair to one’s partner to broach these topics early, so that at the very least each side knows what they are getting into.
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