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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
and leave the few women who don't want kids for those of us who don't want them either.
larry's girlfriend sounds perfect for me. beautiful, smart, talented, no urge to have kids - what's not to like? i'd be happy to trade her for any or all of the women i meet (of all ages) who won't consider dating someone who doesn't want kids.
don't get me wrong, breeders of the world. go forth and procreate. i, however, have never wished to do so. i just wish there were more women that didn't want them, as i know i don't. it puts me at a decided dating disadvantage.
We are grandparents and have friends who never had children. They usually have pets that they treat like children or grandchildren. You will be old someday, and if you don't have children and grandchildren, life will be barren. Even our friends who had children, but who don't have grandchildren, are always wondering about what is wrong with their rapidly aging childless children. Those who value the immediate and superficial rewards of careers and freedom over procreation are demonstrating the lower quality of their genes, and should and will be replaced by those who are of higher quality. The raising of children is really a very small slice of a persons life, but one that yields rewards far in excess of the costs.
First, a response to the inevitable chorus of voices that express vitriolic hatred of anything in the Life section -- please stop reading these articles, and stop posting letters about them. We get it already -- you all think that any essay examining one's innermost struggles over life's inevitable problems is shallow, navel-gazing, whiny, and reeks of upper-class privilege. Personally, I love reading these articles and being exposed to people's various perspectives, even if I don't agree with them -- Salon, keep 'em coming.
Second, I am consistently shocked that the news about biological realities has not been disseminated more widely. To the extent that this sounds like right-wing scare-tactic propaganda, I apologize, as I am the furthest thing from that, but: a woman's fertility declines sharply after age 35, and has begun declining after age 27. This does not mean that many, many, many people don't have children in their late 30s and into their 40s (hell, my own grandmother had my father at 47), but it is the case that most existing infertility problems are exacerbated by age. Plus, after age 35, IVF, should one need it, is far less likely to be successful. Somewhere between 1 in 6 and 1 in 10 couples in this country will struggle with fertility issues. Many of these issues are treatable, but the likelihood of eventual success is greater the earlier you discover the issues and begin treatment. Obviously people should not necessarily rearrange their lives according to the biological clock. But it might be a good idea to give some thought early on to whether having a biological child or children is a very important goal, and if it is, to work toward it. Many infertile couples have started out thinking that deciding whether they wanted children was the biggest hurdle they would face and been unpleasantly surprised to find out that having a baby is not as easy as they anticipated. It is an unfortunate reality that waiting until the mid- to late 30s can make it even harder.
really. Not wanting to be the oldest guy handing out orange slices is about the stupidest reason for having kids I've ever heard. I pretty much quit reading this dribble after that.
As a early 30's guy, I can kind of identify with the issues faced by the author. But i can't help but wonder if this woman, who is 70% against children and you (who are clearly at least 110% into it, given that you just wrote this long-ass article -about 2 pages too long, IMO)- are you really a match? Like one other poster points out, there is no shortage of younger women are at least as interested in kids as you, maybe find one of them? I can see the obvious charms of your g/f, but those sound more like attributes attracive to a single guy, not necessarily a wanna-be dad. It may be important to re-evaluate what you really want in a woman keeping in mind some of those obvious breeders aren't the ones we are most drawn to initially (believe me, i've weighed this one myself). In short, I'd be sure you're setting yourself up for long-term fullfillment with this woman, not just near-term stuff.
I really enjoyed the honesty in this article, but I feel I must interject some reality here. If you're 36, and you're fiance is close to that age, you are running out of time if you want to raise your biological children. Yes, I know there will be an avalanche of letters noting people who had kids at 39, or 42, but the truth is, that's exceptional.
I know several friends, coworkers, and other folks, good people all, who put off the kid thing to enjoy those carefree years. And if holly hunter can have twins at 46, why couldn't they? Sure, there might be some problems, but you just get IVF or some other treatments, right?
Well, those treatments are horrible, mentally and physically draining, extremely expensive and usually don't work. Sorry, but that's the way it goes. And people younger than you are already staring down fertility problems that they wouldn't have faced a few years earlier. Salon has run some excellent commentary on how fertility treatments have become a big, lucrative and unregulated business. They hire PR firms, marketers, etc., to perpetuate this myth that you can wait as long as you like and still achieve the desired outcome. Strangely enough, the radio ads and planted news stories don't tell you about the majority of their patients who endure months or years of painful treatment for naught. Also, OBs refer to mothers over 35 as AMA - advanced maternal age. Do a google search on the term. Many risks to mother and child at that stage in the game.
I guess my point is, we think now about fertility and the choice to reproduce as a road we will have to cross at a defined point in time. Problem is, that defined point in time is actually much closer than we've been led to believe. Or maybe for you, it won't be. Who knows? The thing is, you don't. My wife and I are 5 years younger, and fertility is thankfully not an issue for us. Last year, we decided to take the plunge. Two pregnancies, two miscarraiges after 12 weeks. Again, just a lesson that unlike our careers, our relationships, our gym memberships and our pets, we're not in control of nature. The most logical and carefully laid plans can come to no end. Make that decision now. Or, decide you're not ready, may never be, and accept that you'll probably have to go the adoption route later. You'll be better off than those sucked into the myths fed to us by celebrity magazines and the fertility industry.
Much of the initial coverage about Fort Hood turned out to be wrong. Is there anything wrong with that?
The accountability imposed by another country for the CIA's kidnapping and torture reveals much about our own.
Fox News' morning show plays to type, talking about whether Muslims in the Army should face "special debriefings"
The survivor and author is upset about comparisons some on the right are making to genocide
Once seen as a lunatic fringe, reactionary anti-women groups are courting respectability
Salon headlines in your mailbox
