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Read other letters about this article
Of course, they almost never admit it. That's the trouble with making this decision: you have imperfect information, because parents that are glad they have kids gush on and on about it (while also being oddly defensive - see some of the letters here). But the parents who regret having kids keep quiet. It's a complete taboo in our society to say you regret having children, but for many people, it's true.
Still, it's not too difficult to see this truth if you really pay attention to the parents around you - watch their actions, not their words. Just look around. I've seen far too many friends and family members turn from happy, relaxed, basically content people into harried, stricken shells of their former selves. They seem unsure of themselves and nervous all the time. They're evasive when I ask questions about their experience. They're exhausted. Women very frequently fall out of love with their husbands, who they now see as annoying drains on their energy. Husbands often mourn the loss of their wives, whose love and attention is taken up entirely by the child. At the same time, they love their child with all their might, even as that child has ruined everything else in their lives.
I don't mean to suggest that this is everyone's experience - far from it. Many people take to parenthood easily and with joy. But don't kid yourself - for many people, it's miserable. And they just might admit it to you if you get a few drinks in them and assure them over and over how you won't judge them. I've had 3 parents admit to me, very guiltily and with tears, that even though they love their child deeply, if they could go back and do it again, they would never have kids - and that they're more miserable than they've ever been. They'll admit that they have constant fantasies about escaping and never coming back.
Don't forget that when Dear Abbey asked readers if they regretted having kids, more than 70% said they did (out of thousands of responses). Of course that's not a scientific sample, but still. It shows that many people DO regret it, although they'd never admit it in a non-anonymous forum. And it's really too bad, because if parents were more honest about their experiences, it would really help out the rest of us, who aren't sure. All our cultural stories are one-sided, and many are flat-out lies.
