I am 28 years old, and the only daughter of a bipolar mother. I found this essay incredibly moving. (I'm also from Baltimore, interestingly. Maybe that city does something to people.)

The thing I found most striking about it is how Ms. Casey seems so focused on the process of pregnancy that she skims over how it will be for her raising a child, beyond concerns for her child having bipolar. If, like many bipolar adults, she lives a stable life with medication, then there should be no problem beyond the normal ones that exist within any parent-child relationship.

But it took me years of therapy and crying and working things out before I could even talk to my mother again after leaving home ten years ago. Many medications didn't work reliably for her, and she often refused to take the ones that did, because she enjoyed the high of mania so much. The levels of emotional abuse that came out of her when she was immersed in episodes of manic anger -- quite striking. Quite frightening. I never want to go back to that again.

Personally, I seem to have escaped the psychosis. I think I've escaped the dramatic highs and lows, though every time I feel ridiculously happy I feel a need to stop and check myself, to make sure my thoughts aren't racing. But luckily, I think I'm pretty much okay where bipolar is concerned.

I worry the same thing Ms. Casey does too, though: not about the birth defects, since I'm not on any medication that would cause them. But I do worry that any learned behaviors I picked up from her as a parent will transfer to my own children. And I worry that the genes will skip a generation and infest my own child. It's scary.

Bottom line, though: It's never easy being a parent, especially not when you've got your own nervous system working against you. I wish Ms. Casey all the best, whatever she decides to do.

A beautiful article, poetically written, very vivid.

But for god's sake, Salon editorial staff:

It's "throes" (not "throws"--second paragraph). And it's "Lexapro" (not "Lexipro"--third paragraph).

I see more and more of these types of careless errors lately, which is quite disappointing. Is everything OK up there in the City?

why does becoming a parent have to mean producing a genetically connected baby? yes, the adoption process can be a pain. but it sidesteps health issues and worries about passing genetic problems down. plus, you can remain on meds.

in the genetic lottery . . . but winners in the spiritual domain.

When you don't have your own baby, your immortality is stolen from you. You raising someone else's child means you make THEM immortal and your line dies.

Adopting is noble and selfless, but it's a profoundly dissapointing and unsatisfying idea for us mere mortals who want to see a part of ourselves cheat death and continue into history bearing our genes and our values both.

No matter what else happens, I now know that I can't be the world's worst human being when you're around.

Hi Maud,

I grew up with a bipolar mother, and it made my childhood nightmarish. My life was a soap opera and now, as a 25-year old woman, I am now still dealing with the effects my mother had on my life as a youngster. If you are going to have a child, you should look into doing whatever you can to be medicated after the child is born, and make sure you have partners in your life who will help you stay motivated to stay on medication. You'll need a strong support system. I'm thankful my mother brought me and my brother into the world, but we've been playing catch up as adults, to make up for the hell we experienced as kids. If you have a strong family who can help you raise your kids and be honest with your kids about your disease, that will help immensely.

Too many writers, to little to write about: I couldn't get past the first graf or two - but I'm sure it's a good story about Cicadas...

Maud - you may have already considered all the other medication options w/ your doctor, but if not, Lamictal is a mood stabilizer that has pretty recently been approved by the FDA for bipolar disorder and IS considered safe for use during pregnancy. (It was developed as an anti-seizure med for epileptics, but it turned out to be a great mood stabilizer, too.) Might be something to look into. Good luck...

Kyle Broflowski is LeCastor's bf.

That explains everything.

;-)

I too was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder at 18. At 34, 5 years ago, I became pregnant. My pregnancy was blissful. I eliminated my mood-stabiliser, but continued with Welbutrin, and had a tiny stash of sleeping pills considered safer to use during pregnancy. My son is a wonderfully joyful and loving child, with no apparent health problems, which was a great concern to me, because I had him against the advice of my doctors, who warned of dire consequences; post-partum mania, spinabifida etc. And of course the chance that he would develop the disease as well.

Apparently, my body produced the ideal balance of hormones to keep me happy and healthy throughout the pregnancy and 2 years of breast-feeding. A miracle.

Bi-polar disorder can be a mixed blessing; many creative and bright people in history have suffered from it, and the world would be a poorer place without them.

My decision to have my child took this into consideration. Who better to raise a child who has a chance of a bi-polar disorder, than a parent with the disease?

If my child becomes ill (god forbid) , I will be the first to see it, and he won't have to suffer through months of mental agony trying to cope on his own. He will have an experienced guide. One who has successfully managed the illness for decades, and still had a rich life. I will never regret my decision.

Ignorning the concern of whether someone with BPD should parent, what about adoption? There are *millions* of children who need parents out there. Try taking care of one of them before replicating yourself. In any event, the world is going to hell and it isn't really right to bring a new child into it merely for your own satisfaction.