Letters to the Editor
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Mommy Wars? Yeah right...
I stay at home with my toddler son. I might not even go back to work after he is in school. Although cooking, cleaning, and changing diapers isn't that glamorous I'm content. To those of you who think I'm betraying the feminist movement I say, "I LIKE BEING AT HOME!" Isn't it funny how a group that bandies about the word "choice" so much is reluctant to respect my choice to stay home? Now let's stop navel gazing and get back to trying to get that A**hole out of the White House. Because even though I'm a traditioal stay at home Mom who bakes and dyes Easter Eggs, I want that pathological jerk to be impeached. Come on Ladies, let's stop biting each other's ankles and vote out the Currupt Republican Congress in November 2006. Forget about the Mommy Wars, they don't exist, the real War is the one in Iraq, and the one being waged against our civil liberties!
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Leaves out the Politics
I wish this article had placed the mommy wars in a political context. As my book "The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars: Who Decides What Makes a Good Mother" (Seal/Avalon 2005) shows, what moms and dads want is more support for how we work and how we raise families. The conflict is not just interior. We're not just fighting our own psyches. There are real social policies and real cultural change--starting with better childcare for all, more on ramps back into the workforce, more part time jobs with fair wages and pro-rated benefits, not to mention more understanding and kindness to moms and dads who are trying hard to raise good kids.
Yes, the mom vs mom show is wrong and media-driven. But the answer is not that we're just fighting our own selves. None of us are being supported in our desires to have families and fair jobs and a good life. The new round of media-driven mommy wars, and this book's title participates in that, even if its author didn't intend to, are making life harder for women and for our families by telling us once again that the solutions to our family-work-and-motherhood troubles are interior, private, and psychological.
We deserve more.
Miriam Peskowitz
Author, The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars.
www.playgroundrevolution.com
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Where are the fathers?
As an initial matter, can we PLEASE - just this once - have a discussion about this where someone doesn't complain that it is invalid to discuss this because there are economically disadvantaged women who don't have choices? These conflicts are very real for women who do have choices (taking nothing away from the fact that there a host of additional problems for women who must work because of economic circumstances), and these discussions have real consequences for public policy, for the way we fund and value child care, and for how we raise our daughters.
I agree with another letter writer who bemoans the fact that no one is talking about fathers struggling with these issues. I work "part time" (that is, 80% of a full time schedule at a major law firm - so about 40 hours a week), and I see that there is almost no discussion here about fathers balancing work and family. A lot of women in my firm are on the "mommy track," probably foregoing partnership in order to spend more time with their kids (and gladly doing so), but this isn't even really an option for fathers. Why aren't we discussing that, too? Why aren't dads who've gotten off the fast track lambasting those who work 16 hour days? As much as I'd love to blame it on the media's disgusting fascination with the alleged cat fight, I know that the men in my life haven't talked about this issue four million times, like my girfriends and I have. Are we wired so differently, or is it a product of growing up as a woman in a society where you have critics screaming about the way that your work life/lack of work life is going to screw up your kids?
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The Parent Wars
Read this article again, but change the gender in every other sentence. *That* article would more accurately portray the childcare problem in this country. After all, a child is just as much a father's responsibility as a mother's. Fotini hit the nail on the head: Where's the "Working Father" magazine?
Actually, I believe that this issue will gradually become more gender-neutral because more and more fathers are staying home to care for children, as more and more women are getting more education and it is getting more and more likely that the woman in any given couple will work in an industry with the higher earning potential.
Times are changing. I recently presented a case to a law review committee in support of legislation allowing men to take their wives' last names, if they choose. The bill passed (duh), and the old statute requiring a woman to take her husband's last name was tossed. When my husband and I announced to our family that, when our baby turned 8 months, I would return to work and my husband would stay at home, the only objections came from the family members who are over 80. Soon, the war won't be within each woman, but within each parent.
Although these changes would certainly help, they will not eliminate the difficulties of dealing with an ever more inflexible employment environment, but at least the weight of dealing with childcare will be distributed in a more logical and equitable manner.
By the way, the comment about women not competing with men struck me as very odd. Until I realized that it probably describes an older generation of women. In my experience, younger women don't think twice about confronting -- and trouncing -- male competition.
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The 30 years war
As somewhat of a "pioneer" in the women's movement--I was the first woman PhD hired by a prominent research institution in 1972--it pains me to realize that this war is still going on. My daughter-in-law, mother of two, is now struggling with wanting a career, but not being able to find arrangements for the children that will ease her guilty conscience.
I did give up a lot for science--my first marriage to a very traditional man went sour, making life more difficult for my kids, both emotionally and financially. I had a variety of child-care arrangments ranging from excellent to barely adequate. However, both of my children graduated debt-free from college, and are self-supporting. My daughter never married, but she finds fulfillment in her work as a psychiatric nurse. My son has a great family and a good job. I am not as close as I think I should be to them, but our relationship is better than the one I had with my own parents and stay-at-home mom. I found a much more companionable second husband, too. My first husband never remarried or even dated--not sure why. Most of all, my work gave me tremendous satisfaction, and I don't regret the choices I made. Whenever I hear the joke that you never hear former execs say they wish they had spent more time at the office, I always think that they never ask retired scientists if they wish they had spent more time in the lab! My kids were great, but I never felt as competent as a mom as I did as a scientist. Probably because I wasn't! But I didn't know until I had children that I really didn't want to be a full-time homemaker. Neither did my mother, but having no marketable skills, she had no other choice.
Women, like men, have different aptitudes and ambitions. Today's woman has so many more opportunities than those who have gone before. The advice I have given my daughter-in-law is to decide what it is that she wants most in life, and then make whatever decisions are required to make it happen. She has one big advantage--her husband, having been raised by a working mother, will support her and help her whatever she decides to do.