Letters to the Editor
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The question is not about women
The question that we should be asking is: Why does no one ever criticize, or debate, or have "wars" over, fathers' choices? Why are mothers the only ones who are supposed to stay home, or feel guilty, or worry about balancing work and family life? Why are gender roles in parenting still so rigidly defined?
As soon as I see a "Working Father" magazine, or as soon as I hear any new father's ability to do his job questioned, I'll know we've made some real progress.
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Read the letters
women are at war not because they really have a beef with moms who make different choices, but because they are insecure about their own decisions regarding work and family
I think anyone who reads the letters to Salon (or on any other website) in regard to articles about Stay At Home Moms & Working Moms debate could easily come to this same solution. Parenting is a highly emotional issue and women often seem to need to justify their own actions. That said, I don't ever hear this "mommy war" between real life women, only in the media and on-line. Most mothers I know have better things to think about than how much another woman is or is not working.
It's time the media move beyond this "mommy war" idea and start debating the real problems: why our culture doesn't value child-raising as much as corporate profits and why we have such low expectations for men as far as child-rearing goes, just to name a couple.
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Good For Everyone
Everybody loves to feel superior to someone. I sometimes joke with my parent friends that the only thing that stay-at-home moms and working moms can agree on is that they're both infinitely superior to the single and childless. Maybe that explains the condescending comments I sometimes get from mothers about my choice not to have children.
I have a lot of sympathy for mothers who want to change the corporate world to be more flexible. Even though I don't have children myself, I think supporting children is important. But the secret to doing it may be to extend those benefits to everyone, not just mommies. Maybe this is just selfish on my part, being single and childless. But I look at benefits like flex-time, and I think "everyone could benefit from that, not just mothers. And it would could make all workers more productive and happy". Maybe I could use it to avoid commuting traffic, or feed my dog, or take care of elderly parents. Why should it matter to the company how I use that time? But the company where I work only allows this benefit to parents. I think presenting these options as helpful to everyone would make them more supported and more likely to be adopted. (Although these days, workers seem to be more likely to lose benefits than to gain them so maybe it's a lost cause.)
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Women compete against women only?
"We're taught from an early age not to compete with men, that that's the worst thing in the world, that you're an unlikable, unlovable person if you compete with men. So we compete with women, and bash women because we're trying to feel good about ourselves."
Does this statement by the author resonate with the other women reading this? Because to me it sounds really pathetic. And definitely connotes a feeling of inferiority on her part.
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"Mommy Wars"
This is another piece of idiocy which has NO relevance whatsoever to what is happening in this country today to both men and women.
Our country is facing economic ruin, unions are being undermined, entire industries are being "outsourced," immigrants are being imported to undercut workers here at home, pensions are being raided or eliminated, health insurance is being limited or eliminated, more and more people are further and further in debt, our administration is engaged in numerous instances of wrongdoing both here and abroad, yet we are supposed to have compassion for a tiny number of uppity women who "struggle" with the "choice" of whether to stay home or not.
I hate to say it, but this isn't the 1960s or the 1970s anymore. This is the 21st century going on the 19th if economic trends don't get reversed.
Articles and interviews like this one are not just irrelevant, they are downright cruel.
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What war?
I must say that I agree completely with ECB. In raising my three children and encountering Moms of all sorts - single, married, stay-at-home, part-time, full-time - I find all this media hype about the wars between Moms totally baffling. I just haven't seen it.
From my experience, most couples go into family mode with their eyes open, knowing what the situation is going to be, knowing who's going to work and when. And then they adjust, if necessary, along the way. It gets very busy, having children and all. I don't really think people have a lot of time to be dwelling on a subject that is really kind of irrelevant in day to day life. Its hard work, emotionally and physically to raise children. What I've seen is that people love their kids and enjoy them and they do what they have to do and that's the bottom line.
If some people do have some simmering anger, well, that's their problem and in that case, its sad and they should get some counseling. What's the point of having children if you don't like your life and you aren't ready to love and enjoy them wholeheartedly?
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Impressed by the letter writers
The Salon readers who have responded to this article so far are a joy to read - direct, to the point and thoughtful. Maybe it helps that I agree with most of them.
I've been in the work force for nearly 40 years with women and men, with co-workers with children and without. I'm a member of a family that contains stay-at-home Moms, employed Moms and no stay-at-home Dads. No one criticizes anyone else for their decisions. We all know that responsible people make the best decisions they can for their own families. It is tiresome that some, whether politicians, the media or social conservatives, profit from perpetuating a war that doesn't exist. The vast majority of people are too busy living their lives to care.