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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
I am the adoptive mother of a 12 year old girl. The adoption had been open, I took custody of my daughter when she was 4 days of age. Initally the birth mother had frequent contact and phone calls during the first two years of my daughter's life. Gradually, she has withdrawn, it became too painful for her, she had to go on. She was very committed to giving her child a life that would be "easier" than hers, a life without poverty, a life with opportunity, a life with the advantages she had not received. That was our contract of sorts. She would allow me to parent this child, to love her, to be her everyday mother, so that this baby girl could have a chance to fully engage in a hopeful life. I have such gratitude for her choice. The joy of being an everyday mom to my daughter is beyond that which I have ever had. I have such reverence for her strength, to make such a sacrifice for her child. And yes, I do feel some guilt about her needing to make this decision:being forced to choose because of the utter poverty and lack of opportunity she had endured. Yet, somehow the guilt increases my firm commitment to keep the contract. It has allowed me to focus on loving this child, on teaching her responsibility, compassion and empathy for others who are without advantages, without opportunities, without hope. She is very wise and very kind. The contract has expanded my world as I have tried to expand the world of this amazing child. It has made me far more aware of the responsibility we all have in parenting the children in this world, not only our birth children. It has allowed me a glimpse into the culture of poverty, to try in my local way to alleviate some of the suffering it brings to all of us. For truly, through my child with her two mothers, poverty affects us all.
Articles like these are the reason why I became a salon.com premium member in the first place.
To Laurel: Why do you feel that ALL open adoptions are wrong? Also, why question the African-American's mother to place her biracial baby with a white family? I am curious if you would you question her if she had placed the child with an African-American family?
Laurel, you wrote:
"Famililies are ... blood relationships that can't be easily duplicated by legal arrangements and fancy talk."
Wrong. Legal adoption can often provide a wonderful family life that would not have been possible with birth parents.
You added:
"children ... know instinctively that they have a 'real mother' and a 'real father' out there, and that what makes one parent 'real' and another merely custodial is biological and genetic, spiritual and literal. That's why adopted children nearly always want to search for a real biological parent, no matter what decent and good people have adopted them."
Biological ties make a parent "real"? That may be true sometimes, but it's *certainly* not a given. I can't tell you how it offends me when people say, about my adopted dad, "Oh, he's not your *real* father?" My bond with my dad is not biological or genetic; it transcends that. And he most certainly is my real father.
You're right; most adopted kids eventually search out their biological parents. I did, and the experience showed me that a biological connection is important in its own right, but that it cannot compare with the love I have for my adopted dad.
My husband and I also adopted a multiracial little girl in an open adoption. We met the birthmother when she was 5 months pregnant and went through the pregnancy with her. She was a single mom with three other children from her ex-husband. Our daughter's birthfather is biracial. I had exactly the same feelings as you when I took our baby home from the hospital. She didn't feel like mine and I grieved for the birthmother. But over time and with repeated contact with the birthmother, we have developed a very special relationship. She is a little sister to me and her children call us aunt and uncle. Kerensa is now 5 and she is very attached to me and I adore her. She still loves to cuddle in my arms. She doesn't truly understand yet the meaning of 'birthmother' but she is fond of her. I hope they have a special relationship someday.
We also have three other adopted children. Our two eldest were adopted as older children in an open adoption. Their birthmother has faded away and we have not seen her for several years. Because of the abuse involved, I think this was a better solution. However, it was very good for my two children to have a chance to know her and forgive her.
My other daugther was adopted in an entirely semi-closed adoption. We have the birthmother info so we can find her but we never met her. I really regret this because it is obvious my daughter has many questions and we can't answer them for her.
Based on my experience, I honestly believe open adoption is a wonderful option for some families. Not everyone can handle it and not all children will benefit from the experience. But for some children and some adoptive parents, the honesty and openess builds trust and compassion. It also gave me another person to love. I have watched Kerensa's birthmother change her life for the better since Kerensa's birth. She went to college and is now engaged to a wonderful man. It has been a great experience for all my children to watch her overcome obstacles and thrive, an experience my upper middle class children might otherwise have missed.
Laurel you wrote: "And it only exists because of a shortage of (premium) adoptable babies for middled aged yuppies who were too ambivalent to decide on childbearing when they were of a reasonable age."
I was 30 when I started trying to get pregnant. I was 35 when I adopted my daughter. Both of which strike me as "reasonable ages" to start a family. You blithely (and bitchily!) assumed people's reasons for how they chose to build their families, which is beyond tacky. Sheesh, what is wrong with you?
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