I am the adoptive mother of a 12 year old girl. The adoption had been open, I took custody of my daughter when she was 4 days of age. Initally the birth mother had frequent contact and phone calls during the first two years of my daughter's life. Gradually, she has withdrawn, it became too painful for her, she had to go on. She was very committed to giving her child a life that would be "easier" than hers, a life without poverty, a life with opportunity, a life with the advantages she had not received. That was our contract of sorts. She would allow me to parent this child, to love her, to be her everyday mother, so that this baby girl could have a chance to fully engage in a hopeful life. I have such gratitude for her choice. The joy of being an everyday mom to my daughter is beyond that which I have ever had. I have such reverence for her strength, to make such a sacrifice for her child. And yes, I do feel some guilt about her needing to make this decision:being forced to choose because of the utter poverty and lack of opportunity she had endured. Yet, somehow the guilt increases my firm commitment to keep the contract. It has allowed me to focus on loving this child, on teaching her responsibility, compassion and empathy for others who are without advantages, without opportunities, without hope. She is very wise and very kind. The contract has expanded my world as I have tried to expand the world of this amazing child. It has made me far more aware of the responsibility we all have in parenting the children in this world, not only our birth children. It has allowed me a glimpse into the culture of poverty, to try in my local way to alleviate some of the suffering it brings to all of us. For truly, through my child with her two mothers, poverty affects us all.

My husband and I also adopted a multiracial little girl in an open adoption. We met the birthmother when she was 5 months pregnant and went through the pregnancy with her. She was a single mom with three other children from her ex-husband. Our daughter's birthfather is biracial. I had exactly the same feelings as you when I took our baby home from the hospital. She didn't feel like mine and I grieved for the birthmother. But over time and with repeated contact with the birthmother, we have developed a very special relationship. She is a little sister to me and her children call us aunt and uncle. Kerensa is now 5 and she is very attached to me and I adore her. She still loves to cuddle in my arms. She doesn't truly understand yet the meaning of 'birthmother' but she is fond of her. I hope they have a special relationship someday.

We also have three other adopted children. Our two eldest were adopted as older children in an open adoption. Their birthmother has faded away and we have not seen her for several years. Because of the abuse involved, I think this was a better solution. However, it was very good for my two children to have a chance to know her and forgive her.

My other daugther was adopted in an entirely semi-closed adoption. We have the birthmother info so we can find her but we never met her. I really regret this because it is obvious my daughter has many questions and we can't answer them for her.

Based on my experience, I honestly believe open adoption is a wonderful option for some families. Not everyone can handle it and not all children will benefit from the experience. But for some children and some adoptive parents, the honesty and openess builds trust and compassion. It also gave me another person to love. I have watched Kerensa's birthmother change her life for the better since Kerensa's birth. She went to college and is now engaged to a wonderful man. It has been a great experience for all my children to watch her overcome obstacles and thrive, an experience my upper middle class children might otherwise have missed.

I have two children via donor insemination. I'm on boards where people express their anguish over being conceived this way and not being able to know their biological fathers. It seems to me that open adoption is the very definition of good parenting. It's very hard for the parents but ultimately in the best interests of the child.

As for "blood" being so important, I can tell you that my children have no inkling of any difference between their parents, the one who is biologically related and the one who had a donor stand-in are loved equally and their cousins on both sides are as well.

And all this nonsense about women needing to have their kids earlier. Great. That works fine if you're ready. But if you're not, if you haven't found the person you want to be with or even discovered your own desires to be a parent, it's a disaster.

This was a beautifully written essay -- and I dare say that Madison is a very, very lucky little girl to have two mothers in her life willing to make sacrifices to benefit her. But make no mistake -- Jessica is not her mother now. She is a beloved relative. And her mother is right to not deny her a relationship with that beloved relative who made an enormous sacrifice for Madison's happiness.

Laurel and Johnnie Girl--

What backwards place are you writing from, where only "blood" constitutes a real family? I'm sure there's plenty of people raised by their birth families who have been abused, mistreated or worse, that would have loved to have been raised by an adoptive family that cherished them and loved them as their own.

And you've got to be joking about the "five year window". Did you ever think about the fact that many children are up for adoption because their mother had them too young, and that someone with an education, a decent income and the domestic stability to welcome a child into their lives may not be able to achieve this at only 22 years of age?

Look at the world around you---times have changed, and the cost of living and supporting a child is astronomical. Maybe some of us would like to be sure that we are making the best and most educated decisions we can before repeating past mistakes of the generations before us (i.e. high divorce rates, "latchkey" kids, etc.) Our kids can only benefit from this in the future. That is, unless you're living in a place where it's not ok that you look different than your parents, and they are more than 20 years older than you.