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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
"I have never met a woman who regretted having a child, even if it was hard at the time."
Well, I have, and it's ugly all around, often involving all manner of abuse and crime.
Wasn't it the fellow who wrote 'Freakanomics' who pointed out (statistically and objectively, not judgementally) that children born to women over thirty have a higher success rate/standard of living overall?
There are always pros and cons and it's silly to suggest otherwise.
Thank You Ms. Friedman for this article. As a Birth Mom in an open adoption myself, it's helpful to understand what Adoptive Moms in open adoptions might be going through too. I'm sure it's not easy for thoughtful Adoptive Moms to reconcile their sympathy with a Birth Mom's broken heart... but also understand that we don't want your sympathy to get in the way of you bonding with your baby and "claiming" your place as the baby's new mom. I've often thought that the principles of unconditional love towards our children is perhaps the way all mothers (whether Birth Moms or Adoptive Moms) can accept the blessing of having this baby in their lives and love this baby deeply and limitlessly. Love is limitless and real love does not take away from the love of others. Best wishes to you and your family!
I never really thought about donor conceived people before becoming friends with one. She is now legally fighting to find out who her father is, she would disagree strongly with Blackcanary's claims that a child knows no difference. The statement that those things don't matter are frighteningly ignorant.
Then to decide that Madison is lucky to be adopted because she has two mothers, well she is lucky to have been adopted by Dawn but she isn't lucky to be adopted, that's ridiculous. Further on Blackcanary contradicts herself by the deciding that one of the mothers who makes Madison's life so lucky isn't actually her mother at all. No, in fact she's a beloved relative.
What kind of relative is she then Blackcanary? A great aunt? A second cousin perhaps? A half sister from a second marriage?
I don't know what you call the woman who gave birth to you but I call that woman my mother. Madison doesn't have one mother and a beloved relative who isn't really her mother. Madison has TWO MOTHERS. How dare you say that Jessica isn't her mother. What a stupid thing to say. You can't be an ex-mother. You can be an ex-football player, an ex-wife but you can't be an ex-mother.
If only all adoptive mothers were like Dawn, the world would be a less angry place. I am not saying it's good that Madison and her mother had to be seperated but I am glad that since Jessica felt it necessary to place her in a safer environment then thank God she placed her with Dawn.
As for the ridiculous mentions of the country clubs in some of the other letters? I think you will find that black people do indeed go to coutry clubs, they are not living in shanty towns and using ropes to hold up their pants. A little intelligence please people. Please!!
I just came across Dawn Friedman's incredibly moving story about her experience as an adoptive parent in an open adoption.
As an adoptee from a closed adoption, I am familiar with the issues of yearning to know my background, meet my birth parents, fill in the gaps, and in general, have what every other child has in life. Open adoption seemed to be a far better choice and one I wished was available in my day. My adoptive parents also longed to share my life with my birth parents, but were hampered by the system. When they collected me from the hospital at three weeks of age, they had no-one to "take me from" and I had no-one to be taken from. There was none of the grief and guilt that Dawn went through as she witnessed the grief Jessica felt when parted from her child.
For Dawn to share her experience of grief and loss and guilt with us was so important. Adoption, whether closed or open, has its challenges. There will always be grief and loss; denying it makes it worse. Understanding it and sharing it is the way forward.
I thank Dawn for her honesty and her encompassing love for Madison and Jessica.
I just read the article "Open adoption, broken heart." I thought it was very heartfelt and touching, but also troubling to me. We are in the process of open adoption and are a waiting family now for a month and a half, and I hope I don't struggle with being able to be happy because of my empathy for my child's birthmother, and also all the negative comments from others who don't understand - when you're trying to be positive. It made me wonder about the grief that birthmothers go through, and how hard that will be to see, and if I can be understanding, but separate myself from that to be happy about being a mommy...because adoptive parents have often waited so long to be parents...we have.
It's so hard with adoption, you have to wait so long to be able to be happy...not being able to truly let yourself be excited when you match, and even after the birth, because you don't know what's going to happen...and then to struggle with any guilt because of feeling the pain of the birthmother's loss...it feels so overwhelmingly emotional to me...and makes me wonder about doing the whole process of open adoption???
With closed adoption you wait, and then it's done, and then you can be happy! (And not be happy as you are seeing the grief of the birthmother at the same time.) I'm adopted in a closed adoption, and when my birthmother found me ten years ago, I listened to her tears and telling her story about placing me for adoption, while remembering that during this time my parents who adopted me were going through such joy - that was hard for me to think about, how they were going through different things, and yet of course I understand that. Closed adoption separated those two experiences from each other, but open adoption doesn't...they are there for the birthmother and adoptive parents to both see each other experiencing (to some extent).
And yet I truly believe in the benefits of open adoption...the wonderful benefits to the child to possibly be able to know and be a part of both families; and to the birthmother (who isn't saying goodbye forever, and can still be a special part of her child's life, and can control how much contact she feels comfortable with as the years progress); and to the adoptive parents knowing they are giving their child the healthiest adoption experience. (And quite selfishly on my part, for adoptive parents - the normality of their child's birthparents and family in their life - there doesn't have to be the drama and emotional experiences that I went through with reuniting at 32 years old, and trying to figure out --- where did they fit, and what they were supposed to mean to me? I think that was the hardest part. And I finally came to the conclusion in my own heart, they were family, special family...like extended family are...and that's what I read in open adoption information years later)
Anyway, thinking about what the author of the article, Dawn, was asking, "How can I be her mother when she already has one?", I think in adoption that both are mothers, the adoptive child has two mothers, (their adoptive mother and their birth mother...and both are "family"), but the adoptive mother is also "mom," and forms a mommy bond with her child that does not need to be hereditary, it is formed with the heart. And even though I am very much like my birthmother in some ways and we share a caring bond, I have a special bond with my mom, that is like moms and their children.
Thanks for letting me share,
Kristina
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