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we were matched with an expectant mother who decided to parent, and in many ways she reminds me of jessica. i spent a day in the hospital with this mother during which time she continued to insist that she was planning to place her son with us, but as the day wore on, it became clearer and clearer to me that should would not. i had always imagined that when an adopted baby was placed in my arms, i would immediately love it as my own, but that didn't happen. not at all. i felt awe and wonder at this small child, but i felt very sure that he was hers, and seeing that, and seeing her struggle, i couldn't imagine ever feeling he would be mine. it was a painful disappointment when she decided to keep her baby, but on a deeper level, i knew it was the right decision for her, and even in some strange way, a relief for me.
three weeks later another baby was placed with us, in a closed adoption at his first family's insistence. we did not meet them, we did not get to experience their grief first hand. and there's a part of me that i'm not particluarly proud of that was so relieved that i didn't have to do that. as it was, it still took several weeks before i even started to believe that my son was really *mine.*
your story is so moving, and i'd like to think that had that first mother decided to place her son with us, i would have had the courage to both face her pain *and* embrace our son. i can only hope that i would have been able to do it with as much grace as you have done. i certainly envy you the richness of having madison's first family in your lives.
