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My husband and I also adopted a multiracial little girl in an open adoption. We met the birthmother when she was 5 months pregnant and went through the pregnancy with her. She was a single mom with three other children from her ex-husband. Our daughter's birthfather is biracial. I had exactly the same feelings as you when I took our baby home from the hospital. She didn't feel like mine and I grieved for the birthmother. But over time and with repeated contact with the birthmother, we have developed a very special relationship. She is a little sister to me and her children call us aunt and uncle. Kerensa is now 5 and she is very attached to me and I adore her. She still loves to cuddle in my arms. She doesn't truly understand yet the meaning of 'birthmother' but she is fond of her. I hope they have a special relationship someday.
We also have three other adopted children. Our two eldest were adopted as older children in an open adoption. Their birthmother has faded away and we have not seen her for several years. Because of the abuse involved, I think this was a better solution. However, it was very good for my two children to have a chance to know her and forgive her.
My other daugther was adopted in an entirely semi-closed adoption. We have the birthmother info so we can find her but we never met her. I really regret this because it is obvious my daughter has many questions and we can't answer them for her.
Based on my experience, I honestly believe open adoption is a wonderful option for some families. Not everyone can handle it and not all children will benefit from the experience. But for some children and some adoptive parents, the honesty and openess builds trust and compassion. It also gave me another person to love. I have watched Kerensa's birthmother change her life for the better since Kerensa's birth. She went to college and is now engaged to a wonderful man. It has been a great experience for all my children to watch her overcome obstacles and thrive, an experience my upper middle class children might otherwise have missed.
