Letters to the Editor
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I love all of the self-righteous smugness...
"Lesson over, and you don't owe me a thing. ;-)"
What lesson? That since you didn't need to learn mate selection and communication skills, nobody else does, either? What about those who grew up in the pre-no-fault divorce war zones? We tend to know all too well that what passes for "chemistry" is usually some kind of unfinished emotional business and that our natural impulses are going to get us hurt. We have to have a mental checklist and we have to have the chops to be able to cut someone off if they don't match that checklist no matter how we feel about them. We have to learn to consciously select for qualities we want and against overcontrolling, abusive behavior because left to our own devices, we will repeat our parents' mistakes, simply because in making them, our parents taught us that this is the way it is between men and women. Some of us have to take deliberate steps to avoid certain risks, and we have to learn those steps from somewhere. They're not going to drop in out of the blue.
Lestat is right. Abusers don't start the first date with a right hook to the jaw. In fact, they're often sweeter and more romantic than most. It's when they think they've got her that the trouble starts, and they will actually try to use that sweetness and romance as bargaining chips to keep her in line. Every single one of them believes that he is acting out of a good heart and the best of motives, even when that right hook finally lands. No jerk believes that he is a jerk. They all think they're nice guys. Jerkettes are exactly the same way; they think they're the sweetest, most loving girls on earth, and all of their bad behavior is perfectly understandable. A man raised by one will buy into this until it's far too late to back out cleanly.
They all have excuses, and some of us were raised not just to believe them, but to reinforce them. Getting out of that trap involves learning as adults skills that most people learn as children and mistake for instinct or common sense. If nobody writes books or offers seminars, where the heck are we supposed to get the information we need?
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>>he wanted to pick out what clothes I would wear>>
>>he wanted to pick out what clothes I would wear>>
That is CONTROL and you were wise to leave that controlling relationship early. Abusive men escalate their control and they often start by controling their woman's clothing because they think they can define who she is. No one should control anyone and if they think they have the right to dictact what clothes she can wear after a month, I can guarentee it'd evolve to keeping her away from her friends, and abusing her.
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wrong
<< I haven't seen a post reflecting my main thought, which is this: If someone dumps me solely because he thinks I slept with him "too soon," then he isn't the kind of person I want to ultimately be with, anyway. >>
Few guys will EVER decline sex from a woman. That does not mean he otherwise does not have high standards for himself.
say he is not a dog and is picky about who he has sex with and he waits and takes his time with other women but they do not work out in other ways, due to personality clashes etc,
if you present him with sex on the first date, few men would decline the opportunity to go for it. maybe it might change his mind otherwise if the sex is great.
but do not assume he is as much of a dog as you might be a slut.
you can have all the partners you want. women spread and they can get it anytime, despite the protestations of a few angry (ugly) feminists. Men have to set up a complex scenario and be shot down many times unless they are hot themselves.
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Also
in this day and age when women earn nearly equal to men, women tell me I have nothing left to offer other than charm or sexuality or other tricks since they can match my earnings.
but one thing is overlooked, for a man to decide a woman is right to marry or be with for the long term, not only must she be compatible, but also he has to factor in that a woman as she ages loses value (perception of men, OK?), whereas the man may lose some luster but generally men are held to high esteem even well into their fifties as long as they take care of themselves (this is of course provable by the many men who can date 20 somethings well into their fifties).
sure there are some women who age gracefully, but there is a reason for fewer and fewer marriages in America. men see a net loss over time that women do not see.
compound this with the fact that women place a bunch of hoops for men to jump through on the way to potential marriage or relationship. Well, the men who are professional players and jerks will GLADLY jump through all the hoops knowing the payoff is free easy sex.
good men with honor or integrity or men who do not play the field for years (like me) will either be hesitant to jump through all the hoops with someone they do not know or else they will be rejected for not being as slick as the players.
hence the reason why so many women seem to collect legions of jerks who use them and dump them.
just saying... prove me wrong.
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>>just saying... prove me wrong. Brightstar.?>>
>>just saying... prove me wrong.-- brightstar65>>
Er, you're bitterly alone and I'm happily married. I don't need to prove you wrong, the proof is in the pudding.
Something about your outlook is obstructing your goals.
Like Dr. Phil says "and how's that been working for you?" Not so well.
There's a lot about your attitude that's keeping you from making any meaningful connection with a woman, but until you want to change, there's no reason to address them one by one.
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Not quite
Er, although he is predictably wrong, you being married is not proof he is wrong. If you were happily single he would still be wrong. Try another pudding.