Letters to the Editor
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Robert Franklin Nailed It Further Upthread In His Response to Lestat
I was pretty appalled by the way in which Lestat cavalierly tossed a decent guy out of her life. But then I've experienced that cavalier attitude from women up close and personal, through on-line dating. Although it's true that Internet dating/match-making has its own unique problems, it's also true that 98.5% of the women I've encountered there were paying too much attention to the "thousand reasons to break up" than to the other thousand reasons to stay with someone, or give someone a chance.
These "courses" may indeed be helpful to people who have trouble communicating, or who don't know themselves well. At 41 I have neither of these problems, and over the years most of the people I have known - male and female - have been likewise unafflicted. One of the biggest obstacles to singles today is the emphasis on instant gratification in our national culture. I really wasn't surprised that 44% of the adult population is single. That seems like a reasonable - even surprisingly low - number in a self-obsessed culture such as our's. I'd be interested to see how we stack up against other Western countries.
It comes down to this: Both people must be genuinely interested in the well-being of the other; both must love the other without (too many) conditions; both must crave the other sexually; both must work, and work hard, to make the relationship work. The biggest problem I see with these "courses" is that they offer up simplistic bromides that purport to solve a problems that poets, playwrights and philosophers have not been able so solve in 5000 years of human culture. Nothing is easy - opposites do attract, but they also repulse; love at first sight can burn red hot and gutter out frighteningly fast; chemistry must be there at the beginning. That last is perhaps the only immutable law of romance. If there ain't no heat there ain't gonna be no fire.
Lesson over, and you don't owe me a thing. ;-)
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It's Not Abstinence For Abstinence's Sake
I really don't have a problem with the "wait-to-have-sex" approach. I had been in a number of short, unsucessful relationships which had ended somewhat badly, and I really do think that in a couple of cases, it was simply because sex had been introduced to early into the relationship. This is not to say that I didn't learn something physically and emotionally from these relationships.
However, when I met my wife (been together since 1989, married since 1997), I was ready to wait because I wanted to make sure I really clicked with the person first, and I didn't want to get caught up in the first levels of attraction and sex, only to find that the next levels just didn't work. So we waited for a total of three months. We were physically affectionate and we were pretty romantic, we just didn't do "it."
Some folks here are reacting to the idea of "waiting" as if it's intended as a mechanism of repression and denial. I never took one of these courses, so I can imagine that some people would be teaching it and/or receiving it from this angle, but that was not my goal when I suggested to my new girlfriend that we wait. I just wanted to give myself the optimum chance to let things work out, and I found sex just confused everything and created a sort of physical attachment when the emotional attachment might not even be there. She had rushed into sex, too, and was relieved to wait.
When we finally "consummated," it was very nice, and over the years that part of our relationship has grown despite its ups and downs, children, work and life stress. I'm not some prude, and I bet some people can get sexual early and still build a good relationship. My guess is that some of us have a lot of baggage (I know I did), and the waiting strategy might be pretty useful with the right person at the right time. It worked for me, but that's just me.
I know a lot of these sort of courses would probably advocate NOT moving in together, either, and I definitely think that moving in can really help you figure out whether you want marriage. We moved in together after just over a year, and that was a major step in building a permanent relationship.
So, I guess I'd say: consider waiting if you think moving quickly to sex has led to problems; consider living together as an interim or permanent step if you both are okay with that ; consider marriage if you've done well with all the other steps and have worked out enough of your own baggage (however and wherever--twelve step, groups, therapy, church, intensive writing/art therapy--wherever works for you) and have let go of some the unrealities about relationships we all pick up (or are at least open to confronting them as you go along). And if you like each other, not just sexually, but personally, and have an openness toward compromise and acceptance of your partner. you have a good chance at success.
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Truly Amazing...
That the human species managed to propigate itself for nye on 10,000 years without seminars, Rules, finding out what planet men and women came from, work books, radio talkshows, and Doctor Phil. How did we ever get by?
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Sensitive Lestat
YOU put your story out there to back up your opinion and now you're seemingly upset because someone commented on it in a way you didn't like? This is not an echo chamber.
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Truly Amazing is Right
It is a good thing neither me nor my spouse spent $350 to get expert advice 23 years ago. We would not now be happily married with two wonderful children. Seems I am fortunate that neither my parents nor grandparents did either because I would not be here. I cannot think of many succesful marriages that were based on finding a spouse using the kind of advice described in the article. We all just took the plunge for better or worse because we fell in love with each other and wanted to have kids. None of us was any good at postponing sex either, except in the old days they had to be more discreet about it. We have all had a lot of both better and worse, and those of us still living will continue to do so. But the one common thread that I have seen is that when one spouse has passed away that has always been the worst of the worst for the survivor. Maybe that is all that can really be said about a succesful marriage, neither partner wants to live without the other and they both know it in their hearts. How do you find out the answer to that question about a prospective but as yet unknown partner at some seminar?