Letters to the Editor
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"Duh" Stuff
I don't know, most of what was expressed in this article was nothing new to me. From all the hooha, I was expecting something out of Magnolia, wherein Tom Cruise played a relationships guru who counseled men on how to control the minds of the women they were dating. But this is just Duh Stuff, far as I can see. Don't sleep with someone you're serious about on the first date? Pay attention to how your date talks about and treats other people? Gee, no kidding! Lucy from Peanuts could have given people advice like this, and she only charged a nickel.
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*
Some of you may not know a lot of background on domestic violence, but since I volunteered at a shelter, I learned a lot.
Controlling what a woman is allowed to wear is a very commone early stage of abusive husbands. It is a very reliable indicator. It's just not a thing stable guys do, and guys who do it end up controlling EVERYTHING their wife does, and beating her if the disobeys. It may sound innocuous, but it is a scary indicator of an abusive personality. It's not dangerous in and of itself, but goes hand in hand with the personailty that beats women.
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FAT CHICKS CAN STAY FAT
nobody is allowed to question that.
frankly, lots of men are more than happy to screw fat women too.
but a man must be skinny or else he is alone. women have collectively decreed this. and they will sooner sleep with a no account loser who is skinny than with a good but overweight men.
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brightstar
My fiance is overweight and I'm a size 6 and I love him more than anything in the world... He's the most amazing person that I know. No I'm not a fetishist, he's the only person I've ever dated who has been overweight. And yeah, before you ask, I make as much as he does and we go dutch on everything, kthx.
However, according to one of the previous posters, he'll probably be dumping me soon since I'm over 30 and I'm rapidly "losing luster and value." Hehe.
Thank god not everyone is as f-ed up in the real world as some of the folks on this site... jeebus!
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"Good"????
Brightstar: You're NOT a "good but overweight" man. You're a woman-hating shit who's probably not half as repulsive on the outside as you are on the inside. It's not that women are shallow; it's that you're repellant.
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Deering and Cosmicmojo
Even if what you say is true, you need to rethink what you're saying. Because even if wanting to choose clothing is a behavior of every single abusive husband, people who want to choose clothing are still very rarely abusive. Example: my wife buys me clothing sometimes and I do the same for her. Now that I think of it, I bought clothing for her before we were married. It has nothing to do with abuse or control, it has to do with love and affection. Which is to say that yes it can stay on one level; it need not get bad.
And of course, that's something countless couples do for each other. If I were to bet, I'd bet that women choose clothes for men a lot more than the other way around. And I'd also bet it's at least in part because they want to change (i.e. control) the way the men dress. Are they all abusers waiting to happen? Should the men flee at the first silk shirt?
Lestat did not hang around to find out, to get other clues about what the guy's nature really is. If you don't do that, you can never know. If I had taken the peremptory approach with my wife that she did with the guy, we would never have gotten close to the long-term, loving, mutually-supportive relationship we have now. And what a loss that would have been.
I can't think of any behavior that can't be viewed in a negative light, if that's your bent.
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Dress Them Up in Your Love?
I agree with those who say buying a partner clothing, and having him/her do likewise for you, is one of the funnest things about relationships. But here's the caveat: he/she must never, ever press you into wearing something you're not comfortable wearing, or conversely, pressure you not to wear things you really enjoy. And vice versa, of course. It all depends on how it's presented. Some people have a style that's pretty much set, and others enjoy experimenting, and some will just lie down on the bed and let you dress them like a Dapper Dan doll (remember those?). The point is, your partner needs to respect how you feel about the threads you put on your body. If you say "no, I don't want to," that "no" needs to stand, as much as it would if you were taking clothes off.
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hoo boy.
"Example: my wife buys me clothing sometimes and I do the same for her. Now that I think of it, I bought clothing for her before we were married. It has nothing to do with abuse or control, it has to do with love and affection. "
Oh hon. Giving someone a gift that you would like them to have is not even remotely comparable to looking at what they already have on, informing them it is unacceptable, and having them remove it in favor of articles more to your taste, and imposing emotional consequences (withholding affection, name-calling, undermining confindence) if this is not done.
I think you're a pretty decent person who's having a lot of trouble seeing how the real depths of shittiness that non-decent people can sink too. I've seen enough abusive relationships in my life (not mine, thank God) to recongize the signs -- and Cosmic Mojo, who also commented, has actually WORKED in this arena. Your no-strings-attached gifts were love -- the described behavior is absolutley not love.
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yikes
make that "sink to." (And delete one of those "hows") I've got a sticky keyboard here -- but I do actually graps the fundamentals of grammar! (Apologies)
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Yikes!!
grasp!
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Mac
Read your second paragraph and tell me what of that appeared in Lestat's post. The answer is none of it. If it had, I'd never have responded to her. Why do you assume that all the things you list happened to her when she didn't say they did?
As to your third paragraph, no, I have no trouble seeing how bad things can be between people. But because they can be doesn't mean they will be. My point (again) is that Lestat just jumped at the first suggestion of a problem, and that is not a constructive way to deal with people, particularly someone you look at as a possible long-term patner.