Letters to the Editor
-
Communication is not as important as compromise in a committed relationship
Being in a long-term relationship means learning how to let the other person have their way when you least feel like it. It means listening to them say, for the hundredth time, 'where are my keys' and just gritting your teeth instead of snapping at them "I never touch your keys! Geez!" It means that, when they interrupt you for the thousandth time, you just mentally roll your eyes because, though you've asked them not to interrupt you, have pointed out how annoying and disrespectful this is to you, they can't seem to help it and you can always bring it to their attention in a calmer moment rather than ranting gleefully about how the 'never' listen to you, how they 'always' interrupt.
Being in love means being willing to consider the other person's happiness at least as often as you consider your own. It means going to his family's for Thanksgiving because it really is more important to him and his mother than going to your own family's home for Thanksgiving is to you and your mother. It means finding a way to graciously let them have their way enough of the time that they feel respected and appreciated. It means finding a way to state what you need, and get what you need, without resorting to nagging, whining, accusing and other tactics involving brutal generalship.
Compromise is the essence of living well together. And while foregoing immediate sex might enable people to see one another more clearly, there are advantages to early sex as well - my SO and I had sex within 3 days of meeting, and our relationship has, for the last 3 1/2 years, been a steady escalation of that passion. And that passion, in turn, has been one of the things I value so much that I find it, if not always easy to compromise in our dealings, then certainly wortwhile. I'm not willing to lose him in a power struggle about money, how we vacation, families, housekeeping, etc. Our bond was immediately physical and immediately powerful - physical love is an important and unique way to express ourselves to one another - it shouldn't be devalued as mere lust. It's a way to build trust and intimacy, share yourself, expose your spirit. It's been one of the (not THE) foundations of our relationship, and the desire to protect it and enhance it has driven many of the decisions i've made regarding how to interact with him - - I've spent a lot of time working on my anger management, my desire to win a fight at all costs, my tendency to get my feelings hurt too easily, etc. In other words, being in love has made me want to be a better person in the relationship. While it might be more ideal to enter the relationship as a more perfect version of myself, that's not always possible - sometimes we need the friction of another person to show us which of our faults might turn into deal breakers, and which are just going to be the stuff of compromise.
Most people have some jerk-like qualities. Training yourself to spot these qualities seems like a futile endeavor unless you are willing ot turn the spotlight back on yourself, as well. You aren't going to find the perfect person - everyone has a flaw or three. Love is what makes you decide if you can ignore or find a way to live with their flaws, or want to take the time to fix your own.