Letters to the Editor
-
I love all of the self-righteous smugness...
"Lesson over, and you don't owe me a thing. ;-)"
What lesson? That since you didn't need to learn mate selection and communication skills, nobody else does, either? What about those who grew up in the pre-no-fault divorce war zones? We tend to know all too well that what passes for "chemistry" is usually some kind of unfinished emotional business and that our natural impulses are going to get us hurt. We have to have a mental checklist and we have to have the chops to be able to cut someone off if they don't match that checklist no matter how we feel about them. We have to learn to consciously select for qualities we want and against overcontrolling, abusive behavior because left to our own devices, we will repeat our parents' mistakes, simply because in making them, our parents taught us that this is the way it is between men and women. Some of us have to take deliberate steps to avoid certain risks, and we have to learn those steps from somewhere. They're not going to drop in out of the blue.
Lestat is right. Abusers don't start the first date with a right hook to the jaw. In fact, they're often sweeter and more romantic than most. It's when they think they've got her that the trouble starts, and they will actually try to use that sweetness and romance as bargaining chips to keep her in line. Every single one of them believes that he is acting out of a good heart and the best of motives, even when that right hook finally lands. No jerk believes that he is a jerk. They all think they're nice guys. Jerkettes are exactly the same way; they think they're the sweetest, most loving girls on earth, and all of their bad behavior is perfectly understandable. A man raised by one will buy into this until it's far too late to back out cleanly.
They all have excuses, and some of us were raised not just to believe them, but to reinforce them. Getting out of that trap involves learning as adults skills that most people learn as children and mistake for instinct or common sense. If nobody writes books or offers seminars, where the heck are we supposed to get the information we need?