Letters to the Editor
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Good article
Thanks for running it.
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In Defense of Homer Simpson
It's fun to knock the Simpsons, and this article calls Homer yet another example of the incompetent husband. But if you're interested in cognitive marital therapy, and have read books by John Gottman, you'll quickly see that Homer is not incompetent when it comes to marriage-- in fact, he's a master.
He always turns to Marge to discuss the real issues in their marriage. He sides with his children against the community, especially his daughter Lisa. He can be self-centered (can't we all?), but he always finds a way to make up with his wife Marge, and when the kids are out of the way, he always turns his focus towards his wife. It's amazing how, the minute that the kids are involved with something else, Homer is romancing Marge, taking her to a spa, or even at the minimum, attending to her kindly in the bedroom.
It's funny to read articles about books that stereotype men with regards to men not being communicative with emotions. From what I've seen, some men are, and some men aren't-- like lots of women. Maybe what we really need is not another book that reinforces a gender stereotype, that while somewhat true, is blurred by the large variety of characteristics exhibited by both men and women.
Maybe what we really need is a book that helps us understand why Marge and Homer have made it for 14+ seasons. How many marriages make it that long?
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Nah
<<Thirty-plus years ago, the home and family relationships tended to be the one domain where women had authority as far as who knew better how things should be done. And I think they were reluctant to let it go until they gained more power in places outside the home. So in a sense, we're at the point now where men can speak more.>>
I disagree. women will always control the home because it is more power they can wield over men, that is until women are not needed for reproduction.
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the feelings issue
I've heard the housework/sex correlation and found it to be true in my own marriage. However I take issue with the area of men not wanting to talk about feelings . It's my experience and that of some of my other male friends that when there is a problem in our relationships the men tend to speak directly about the problem and try to come up with a solution. I find that my wife , some of my friends' wives , and also previous girlfriends all tended toward sulking, pouting, the silent treatment for hours on end , and other such stonewalling methods until finally after several attempts at getting at the root of the problem, the women will finally talk. I believe this women talk about feelings/ men don't theory is a myth that needs to be re-examined.
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It's not a quid pro quo but the man has to do the work first.
If it's all about the quality of the relationship why not, she puts herself on the same wavelength sexually as him, THEN he's more willing to dust and polish her knicknacks that have no reason for existing in the first place.
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Sounds like a must-read
Sounds like a great book, and not a minute too soon, judging by many of the letters from readers, since Salon implemented this comments feature. Broudway's explanation (in the interview, since I haven't read the book yet) of the different ways that men and women express love makes sense, but usually people have to learn it the hard way. My mother did, and it was too late. So did I, but it wasn't too late. Thanks for posting this article now.
I have an upside-down (or inside-out) theory of what makes men and women tick in their relationships: that it's really men who want intimacy and women who want sex (at least early on, before kids). On the surface, we've accepted the opposite stereotypes, but underneath, I think there's a different story. And Culture mediates these differences, in order to maintain some semblance of stability.
Women may have a slight hormonal advantage when it comes to bonding, both during sex, as well as during pregnancy and breastfeeding, but men just need more time. From my own (less scientific) observations, they seem to bond in the process of doing things for the other. And the more they invest of themselves, the more they care.
Perhaps there really is a simple biological reason for what our mothers and grandmothers said, both about sleeping with a man too soon-- for your own good-- and about not letting him do too much for you, or buy you anything too expensive too soon-- for his own good-- although that's not the way they put it.
*****
There is a wide gap between a woman wanting to talk about her feelings about something and a man wanting discuss the problem and try to come up with a solution... and seldom the twain meet.
And, more likely, it will be men who are no longer needed for reproduction, but that is not necessarily to women's advantage.
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men in popular culture
Just a thought on one quote:
It just happens that for comedy you need one straight guy and one buffoon.. so if sitcoms are about marriage then it follows that one partner has to play the buffoon. And since fat means funny and fat women are taboo on TV, the man is the buffoon.
PS. My husband got mad when he bought me a cheap tacky present for my 50th birthday (purchased but a day before when I gave him a year run up) that I said "It was worthy of Homer Simpson." But it was true...
It doesn't bother me too much when a comedian makes fun of the foibles of wives, even if it is a bit cutting... stand up comedians often do. That's where 'misogyny' if you want to call it that = still reigns.
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Oh Brightstar!
You write:
"<<Thirty-plus years ago, the home and family relationships tended to be the one domain where women had authority as far as who knew better how things should be done. And I think they were reluctant to let it go until they gained more power in places outside the home. So in a sense, we're at the point now where men can speak more.>>
I disagree. women will always control the home because it is more power they can wield over men, that is until women are not needed for reproduction."
Why even bother writing about this article? Finally someone writes an interesting, non-stereotypical book that actually looks like it's got a lot of new information and stereotype-busting. Finally, a book shows that men have feelings too, and are not just incompetent buffoons or sex-hungry boors, and you have to come in with your destructive stereotypes, bitterness and reductionism and write something that involves the words "always" and "reproduction", and about women wielding power over men.
This whole idea, that sensetive, reasonable, loving men and women exist, and are not just isolated exceptions, but may even be the majority, doesn't fit with your bitter, angry, lonely worldview. You should examine that.