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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
I think it's probably an illusion, but obviously it's a powerfull one.
"If either partner, husband or wife, demonstrated a radical personality shift during a marriage there generally will be conflict. If a husband suddenly lost all interest in sex, blamed it on stress, and refused to make any effort to correct the situation at his wife's urging -- everyone her can agree wholeheartedly that the man is being unresonable and that the wife has a legitimate cause for concern and complaint."
Birthing a baby is a miserably painful process and many of us are left with a crotch full of stitches. Many are still bleeding at six weeks. Comparing it to penile injury is more accurate than comparing it to stress. I think most men would want their wives to wait until the stitches came out and the bleeding stopped, and until getting an erection didn't pull painfully at the scar.
Along these lines, though, seeing a man through impotence isn't exactly a walk in the park, and diabetes is on the rise. Heart conditions can do this kind of thing, too, as can a handful of other problems. So can Prozac and its relatives, not to mention the depression for which they are prescribed, which at my age is a bit more common than diabetes and heart disease. Like new fathers, wives are expected to adapt, see him through it, do what we can to make it easier on him, reassure him that we still love him just the same. And like new mothers, they're hyper-sensitive and skeptical, they snipe at us, take their frustration out on us, get bitchy and resentful. Like new fathers, we have to take care of our own needs for a while, try to sit on our own feelings of frustration and betrayal. Like new mothers, they need a lot of patience as they figure out how to cope with sex again. Like new fathers, we contemplate giving up on the whole thing. Like new mothers, they're grateful when we don't.
Fact is, it's hard on both sides. Both men and women make sacrifices, both get unpleasant surprises. Both have to face disappointment at the hands of their spouse. Both will wake up one day married to someone quite different physically and mentally from the person they stood next to on their wedding day. Both will face points in the marriage at which cutting and running seems like a sensible option. Both will be tested. Neither will emerge unchanged. Marriage is like that. There is no other way. "Life is pain. Anyone who tells you different is selling something." (The Dread Pirate Roberts)
The funny thing is that this story seems to have had a happy ending. The author reassessed her sexuality, but she doesn't say that she forgot everything she learned in her Kama Sutra days. She doesn't say that her husband has had to learn to live permanently with something close to celibacy. She does say that she put some serious, conscious effort into her sex life following the initial six-week fiasco. She does say that she began to be more open and honest about what she liked and didn't like. She does say she began to see sex as fun rather than an an ego boost or an obligation. She also says that she began to appreciate sex itself even more. Really, it looks to me like their post-baby sex life is a considerable improvement over the pre-baby version, both more honest and more intimate.
What about this, from a male point of view, is bad?
Clearly the author demonstrates the victimhood of all women - a victimhood writ large in this article.
Penetrated by the Oppressive Phallus, reduced to a womblike automaton to produce offspring for a selfish, insensitive man (is there any other kind?), she undergoes a functional clitoridectomy in order to provide him with an heir. Sick. Another Breeder Female serving the Patriarchy.
Ditch him - tell the cops he beats you, kick him to the curb, and join your sisters in a truly fulfilling relationship, where the only penis involved goes in the dishwasher every night.
Your Sapphic sisters await you!
Ann wrote:
"Birthing a baby is a miserably painful process and many of us are left with a crotch full of stitches. Many are still bleeding at six weeks. Comparing it to penile injury is more accurate than comparing it to stress. I think most men would want their wives to wait until the stitches came out and the bleeding stopped, and until getting an erection didn't pull painfully at the scar."
I think we've gotten to hung up on sex -- though that was the point of this particular article.
First, I agree with you that waiting a few months isn't unresonable and is, in fact, quite necessary both from a medical point of view as well as a psychological one. Birth is painful and difficult.
The problem we keep running into in this discussion is that when I make the point that sometimes women (or men) never recover and these sexal changes and they persist for years -- I'm not getting any responses from women saying, "Yes, that sometimes happens and is a significant problem in a marriage."
What I'm reading is people either unintentionaly or (as I suspect) purposefully mis-reading the posts and saying that men are being unresonable for demanding that their sex lives return to normal with weeks -no!-day of a women giving birth. No one was saying that. I'm also reading posts from people again saying men are being unresonable for demanding their wives dres like hookers days after giving birth! No one said that either -- changes in grooming and dress were merely brought up as an example of some of the total changes that can occur in couples after they give birth -- and that sometimes these changes in grooming and appereance can be extreme from the point of view of the spouse be they male or female.
Sometimes men who watch the birth have a psychological issue and just can't see their wives as sexual creatures anymore. Watching the birth tmuatizes them. And they don't want to have sex with their wives for YEARS afterward (if ever). This is a serious issue in the marriage and I can't help but believe it does both parities a disservice when posters a) dismiss all these concerns as totally insignificant or b) admit they exist but consider it so rare an occurance as to be unworthy of discussion.
Also, while the point of this particular article dealt with sex -- I think the more interesting article would have been the one that talks about the totality of lifestyle changes that occur in both men and women after child birth.
Wouldn't it have been more interesting to read about the total lifestyle changes (the stresses, the surprises or the unexpected joys or unexpected problems) that occured after having a kid?
Much of the initial coverage about Fort Hood turned out to be wrong. Is there anything wrong with that?
The accountability imposed by another country for the CIA's kidnapping and torture reveals much about our own.
Fox News' morning show plays to type, talking about whether Muslims in the Army should face "special debriefings"
The survivor and author is upset about comparisons some on the right are making to genocide
Once seen as a lunatic fringe, reactionary anti-women groups are courting respectability
Salon headlines in your mailbox
