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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
is to remember that "alone" and "lonely" are not synonyms. "Alone" may or may not be your choice, "lonely" is a matter of choice and you can chose to add appropriate activities to your life -- or to be lonely and whine about it.
I know many single, middle-aged women, and I don't know any who are that way by choice. I also know plenty of women with a partner who's less than satisfactory, but they stay there because the alternative is being alone. I chose being alone rather than stay in a bad marriage. The single men I've dated since have had significant issues; lack of employment, debt, substance abuse and, yes, fear of commitment so huge that the behavior was beyond description. The single women I know are healthy, working, home-owners, very together. Doesn't anyone else see a disparity here?
I, for one, have been in relationships and not. Even though I feel pressure to be looking for the next relationship, I have to say my history has shown that I'm happier alone.
Everybody’s working so hard to drive a stake through the concept of ‘soul mate’, I just can’t resist mucking things up a little. I have a soul mate.
I didn’t have to work to find him. I didn’t have to enlist anyone’s help to find him. I just looked up one day and there he was. And Johnalive, I did indeed feel a magic click that told me that this so-and-so was Mr. Right. And that click really was something more all encompassing and mysterious than mere physical attraction. We made a date within minutes, and we’ve been together ever since. Call it an inane notion if you want, call it an uninformed superstition, it happens. Maybe it happens because you’re still willing to believe in inane notions and uninformed superstitions. The fact that your current partner breaks the mold, etc… by being mature and realistic, which you admire, well maybe… just maybe… this person is your soul mate.
I do think we all make a mistake when we think that a soul mate must embody all the perfect, angel-like qualities of a super hero. That surely wouldn’t be a mate to my soul. A soul mate would complement my soul, not exceed it.
And did you ever notice how the ideas you like are ‘ideas’ and the ideas you don’t like are ‘notions’?
I don't know the statistics here, but I accept the fact that more and more women are single. Isn't it also true that more and more women are being treated for depression?
Just wondering what's up with that.
More and more people (men, women, single, married, young, old, whatever) are being treated for depression now.
I don't think people are dumping on the "idea" of a soulmate as much as they are dumping on the "notion" that a finding a soulmate should be part of some mythical quest and requirement for people. Especially before they meet someone. I think it's more of an anti-process thing rather than anti-soulmate thing.
Anyway, I'm glad for you, but, you're engaging in what's called hindsight bias. People meet and click instantly all the time. Most of the time it turns into nothing. I suspect your story might have been a tad different if he/she turned out to be crazy or something after you went out on your date. Despite your initial "click", you didn't know your sweetie was really soulmate until the "happily ever after" part. But, it's nice story.
It's so refreshing to read an article regarding single women (of which I am one) that doesn't make us all sound like neurotic, desperate spinsters who look back on our lives as nothing but lost opportunties and relantionships. I cannot count how many affairs and family functions I've had to attend in past years when the first questions regarding my life are "Who are you seeing now?" and "When do you plan to settle down?" (I seem to get that one most at weddings.)
I am single both by choice and circumstance. By choice, I mean that I deliberately chose not to marry men who I believed would not be good husbands, or that I could realisticly see being married to the rest of my life. By circumstances, I mean that I haven't met someone that I want to marry and there are times when I can't even be bothered to put the effort looking. It's been several years since my last serious relantionship, and I'm actually ok with that.
I'm realistic about my life. For the most part, I'm pretty happy with it. I have a nice circle of good friends, both married and single that I socialize with. I do date on occasion, but I don't have the patience to waste time on relationships that don't seem to go anywhere. I have a good job that I enjoy and find a sense of fulfilment with. I have hobbies that keep me busy and I like to travel and explore the world around me. Sure, I do get lonely at times. That is normal, but I don't sit around crying in my Ben & Jerry's over the "one I let get away".
Sure, I would have liked to have been paired up by now, at least in a serious relationship if not marriage. But I made the choice a long time ago that I would rather be alone than stuck in a bad relationship. If I do have any regrets, it's that I haven't met someone that I wanted to marry, not that I turned down the ones that have asked over the years.
They were the right decisions then, and even looking back, I know that they were the right decisions for the woman that I am now.
Maybe I am a bit committment shy, but I do consider marriage to be important and not something to just rush into. I see women my age already divorced at least once (a few multiple times) and I just could not do that to myself or my family. I look at the last man I dated seriously, who wanted instant committment and when I was not ready to give it to him, broke up with me to get back together with his ex (who he then broke up with three weeks later).
I would like to find someone to share my life with, but I'm not willing to just settle for whoever deigns to be with me just to have someone to hang on to at the next family wedding. I don't live my life looking for "the one". I enjoy what I do, meet interesting people and who knows? Maybe someday I will met that person that I would be happy to spend my time with. But my whole existence isn't spent waiting for that to happen.
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Salon headlines in your mailbox
