I love being single, although in my past there have been a few cohabitation relationships and a 5 year marriage. I always get my favorite chair and never have to wait for the bathroom. No one keeps me awake by snoring, having a light on, or hogging the covers. I never have to explain my actions or make regular sacrifices for someone else's needs, wants or feelings.

I don't have to share the newspaper or compromise on what film to watch.

My decor is not maimed by the inclusion of another's beloved yet lamentably unattractive crap.

I date, but only for fun.

Of course, my personality is probably a tad different from the norm. Having a solitary sort of bent (which naturally affected my past relationships) I do enjoy the company of others, but don't need it, or find it compelling - short of the person being routinely fascinating or challenging in some way. My passions and pastimes are unusual; best enjoyed and pursued solo - and I hate having my necessarily intense concentration interrupted for anything short of a major disaster.

The point? If I had been more aware of the vagaries of my solitude-loving personality years ago, those doomed relationships wouldn't have happened...and I wouldn't have hurt those men with my self-ignorance.

Living alone and not spending emotional and mental energy wanting or looking for love gives you an opportunity for real self discovery - which in turn makes it more likely that you will eventually find a love that you can happily live with.

Perhaps someday I'll meet a man with complementary peculiarities - who knows? Like many good things in life, love comes out of nowhere - and almost always when you're not looking for it.

who don't REALLY care about sex, i.e. those who are capable of being "happily" single from those who do so time is not pointlessly wasted?

I'm pleased that so many people have responded to Rachel Safir's interview with me. My impression is that no letter writer has yet read the book. I hope that you will, for the argument and examples there can be made with more depth and complexity than is possible in a short interview. Let me, however, make a few responses here:

The word "alone" appears in these letters over and over - people who don't want to be alone, those who like being alone, etc. A major argument in the book is that long-term single women (defined as either ever-single or divorced women who have not cohabited for at least the last ten years) by their forties and fifties are enmeshed in networks of friends and extended families and have rich community connections. Many enjoy their solitude, but others spend very little time by themselves. In either case, they are alone only in a cultural context where the only valued social relationship is the couple. I argue further that there is a continuum between singles and cohabiting couples, with many women finding new ways to experience and combine intimacy, sexual/sensual satisfaction and bonds of support that are not limited to one other person. Romance, I argue, does not have to be experienced just with a lover; there are many other ways to express passion and intense involvement. A subject in my book expresses her passion in flamenco dancing; a married reader wrote into Amazon.com about her love of gardening

The single women who I followed for 8 - 10 years have complex and complicated lives with many disappointments and problems -- lives that are not so different from those of long-term coupled/married women. Through a process of struggle and change, these single women come to accept their lives as their own - as a viable and valued way to live. Although they made many choices in their lives, none of these women chose to be single, none knew at age 20 or 35 that they would be single in their forties and fifties. Almost all had cohabited at some point in their lives. Given the overwhelming cultural focus on being coupled as the only source of long term happiness and security, very few people today can actively choose singleness. The most we can assert is that we are not going to spend most of our time looking for a partner, and we can articulate what is good about our single lives. Even those women who seem most suited to single life, often find it easier to tell themselves and others that they are still looking for a soul mate. Maybe the kind of discussion we are having here will make it easier for more of us to assert our singleness. That will be truly "new".

I do portray a few unhappy single women in my book. Being single, I find, is harder for those who desire the daily physical presence - in their bed and in their house – of another person. But we need to acknowledge that not everyone wants that. Many of us are happy living by ourselves – or with others with whom we are not partnered – with our friends and families, and for some, a lover, nearby.

I don't criticize marriage and I don't think marriage or cohabitation will die. Many will choose marriage and cohabitation, not just because of cultural pressure, but because of the attractions of nuclear family life. (Although many have told me that the supports for single life that I advocate also are necessary for healthy and more stable coupled relationships.) What I want is recognition and acceptance of a multiplicity of good ways to live. In the last line of the book, I present my vision: "Life outside a couple, life without a soul mate, whatever its problems and limitation, will be one that can be lived with love, dignity, respect, purpose, spirituality, and joy."

Kay Trimberger

I don't see anything new with Trimberger's book. She just happened to profile women who don't want to commit. They have jobs and careers and friends, and their sexual needs and desires for physical intimacy are being met by having affaris with married men.

This woman clearly went into her research with bias, probably as a subconscious way to justify her own choices and position in life. Given her small sample size and selective prejudice, this is not a rigorous study. Anyone who talks with anyone (and even the majority of the women in the study admit) will quickly learn that most people don't want to be single and in fact want to cohabit in a romantic relationship.