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I'm pleased that so many people have responded to Rachel Safir's interview with me. My impression is that no letter writer has yet read the book. I hope that you will, for the argument and examples there can be made with more depth and complexity than is possible in a short interview. Let me, however, make a few responses here:
The word "alone" appears in these letters over and over - people who don't want to be alone, those who like being alone, etc. A major argument in the book is that long-term single women (defined as either ever-single or divorced women who have not cohabited for at least the last ten years) by their forties and fifties are enmeshed in networks of friends and extended families and have rich community connections. Many enjoy their solitude, but others spend very little time by themselves. In either case, they are alone only in a cultural context where the only valued social relationship is the couple. I argue further that there is a continuum between singles and cohabiting couples, with many women finding new ways to experience and combine intimacy, sexual/sensual satisfaction and bonds of support that are not limited to one other person. Romance, I argue, does not have to be experienced just with a lover; there are many other ways to express passion and intense involvement. A subject in my book expresses her passion in flamenco dancing; a married reader wrote into Amazon.com about her love of gardening
The single women who I followed for 8 - 10 years have complex and complicated lives with many disappointments and problems -- lives that are not so different from those of long-term coupled/married women. Through a process of struggle and change, these single women come to accept their lives as their own - as a viable and valued way to live. Although they made many choices in their lives, none of these women chose to be single, none knew at age 20 or 35 that they would be single in their forties and fifties. Almost all had cohabited at some point in their lives. Given the overwhelming cultural focus on being coupled as the only source of long term happiness and security, very few people today can actively choose singleness. The most we can assert is that we are not going to spend most of our time looking for a partner, and we can articulate what is good about our single lives. Even those women who seem most suited to single life, often find it easier to tell themselves and others that they are still looking for a soul mate. Maybe the kind of discussion we are having here will make it easier for more of us to assert our singleness. That will be truly "new".
I do portray a few unhappy single women in my book. Being single, I find, is harder for those who desire the daily physical presence - in their bed and in their house – of another person. But we need to acknowledge that not everyone wants that. Many of us are happy living by ourselves – or with others with whom we are not partnered – with our friends and families, and for some, a lover, nearby.
I don't criticize marriage and I don't think marriage or cohabitation will die. Many will choose marriage and cohabitation, not just because of cultural pressure, but because of the attractions of nuclear family life. (Although many have told me that the supports for single life that I advocate also are necessary for healthy and more stable coupled relationships.) What I want is recognition and acceptance of a multiplicity of good ways to live. In the last line of the book, I present my vision: "Life outside a couple, life without a soul mate, whatever its problems and limitation, will be one that can be lived with love, dignity, respect, purpose, spirituality, and joy."
Kay Trimberger
