Women obsess about their weight because they are convinced their looks are the most interesting and valuable thing about them. Men don't obsess about their weight because the think -- they KNOW -- that whether or not they put on 10 or 15 pounds, they are still smart, funny, can change a tire, fix a garbage disposal, and might have a chance at that hot little blonde in the corner (ya never know unless you try, right?). Fat simply isn't part of their equation, even if it is part of their stomachs and thighs.

Women never seem to be satisfied with how they look because they are always, always comparing themselves to some other woman and feelng despair that her bosom isn't as big, her thighs aren't as thin, she isn't as tall, she isn't as tiny, she isn't as blonde, she isn't as dark and mysterious, etc. etc. ad nauseum. Men just don't think this way. They are convinced of their worth regardless of how much taller, better looking, richer, smarter, funnier are the men around them.

So what's the reason for this? Myself, I think it has to do with women's fear of open, healthy competition - a fear to be seen to be striving. When you refuse to compete openly because it's not 'feminine', when you pretend your whole life that winning isn't really that important 'as long as we all just have fun', when you refuse to take control of your life and be goal-directed, which means to *set* and *achieve* milestones (i.e. compete),...you turn all that sublimated desire to compete/win, against yourself. You savage yourself with messages of loss and self-hatred: "I'm not good enough as I am". You slyly pick out other thin women and talk sneeringly abou them (how dare they succeed where you have failed!), and pretend this catty hatred is somehow 'saner' than bemoaning your thighs but refusing to put the fork down or, lacking that, run the 40 miles or so a week it would take to burn off the excess calories you've eaten and stay slim. Or, barring that, to just accept the consequences of your behavior and put a different spin on the memory -- I didn't put the fork down, and I gained weight, but my oh my weren't those yams *tasty*, I wish I could eat some more right now!

In the arena of weight, appearance and self-esteem, women need to take a page from men's books. Self acceptance is an attitude. It's achieved with practice. A good dose of rational thinking doesn't hurt either. Slender does happen to look better than fat - it's not a tryannical idea that only women labor beneath, it applies to all people- male and female. it's just a fact. But it's also a fact that weight is not the most important fact about *anyone*, it is just one fact among many. Women must decide - if it's important to them to be slender, then take in fewer calories than you burn. If you don't consciously set out to do this, then expect failure. If you fail, keep it in perspective - extra fat is not the end of the world, or the end of your looks, or even remotely tied to your worth as a human. And don't be a poor sport and get pissed at other women for succeeding where you can't, or won't.

My adolescence and college years were a haze of weight obsession and bulemia. But it ended a long time ago. I am about Ayelet's age, and I can honestly say that my middle aged friends and I are are very very far beyond self-loathing about what we eat. Sometimes we are chubby, sometimes we are just right, sometimes we diet and lose ten pounds and feel proud then slowly gain it back. But it is never about self-loathing. There are far more substantial things to worry about, far better ways of determining our self-worth.

I just want readers to be clear that self-loathing about food is not universal among forty-something women. In fact, for me and my friends, surrendering a bit of youth in order to be free from obsessiveness about weight and appearance is not such a bad deal.

It's great that some readers don't obsess about their weight -- congratulations -- but don't trivialize the struggles of others, because it's a serious problem for a lot of women (and some men). I think that to tell weight-obsessed women to "get over it," or to point out that weight doesn't matter, you're telling us what we already know. We all know that we shouldn't obsess about weight. That doesn't mean we should just shut up about our feelings.

Ayelet Waldmen is not an "apologist" for neurotic behavior or for anything else. She is just expressing how she feels, which is good for women, especially on a subject where so many feel the same way. We will never get anywhere on these issues if we can't be honest about what society/patriarchy/consumer culture has done to the body image of women in this country.

We know it's stupid to obsess about weight. That doesn't make the obsession, or the depression and the diet problems, any less real.

Ayelet speaks to and for me in this article. I am almost 55 and if I could reclaim the amount of time and energy I have spent obsessing about food and my weight, my life would seem decades longer. I do not worry about my daughter, and I do not research anorexia, but what really hits home for me in this writing is the damage we do to ourselves.

We may choose to blame genetics, the media, our ethnicity or other factor. The tragedy here is that we waste precious time thinking and suffering about this issue.

I have read many times in many places that "losing weight doesn't make you happy". That is a load of crap. It is easier to live in this country when you are thin, and I for one, am happy when I can fit into and look good in anything I want. My behaviour changes when I am thin; when I am overweight I limit my social contacts and my activities. I get depressed. This is simply the truth for me.

I am not an intellectual lightweight (pun intended) nor a shallow person. But let's be real. Life is easier (and better) for those women who are not fat.