Letters to the Editor
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Staying at Home- A choice?
There is one point that Debbie Klett made in this article that particularly bothered me. She asked a question on whether, if finances were not a part of the picture, how many women would opt out of the workforce.
All I can say is Duh! Let's just make this a generic question, shall we? If money was not an issue, how many PEOPLE (male or female) would opt out of the workforce?
I don't know how someone could even have the ignorance to pose that question! Finances ARE the issue. Most people work to make money, to support themselves and their families.
Yes, I know there are those that are fulfilled with their jobs and happy but all the polls I have seen on the subject show a majority of the American public dissatisfied with their work.
If finances were not an issue, would I opt out to stay home with my child? Sure. And I might travel too. And start up a nice little at-home business, since I wouldn't have to worry about a guaranteed steady flow of money coming in or the risk of losing our home. Who knows?
Fact is, the reality of the world, the MAJORITY of people's reality is that you HAVE to work. I dont have a choice in this matter. My family lives paycheck to paycheck, very modestly already, and that's with 2 people working. My income is actually higher than my husband's but neither of us could afford to be out of work.
Thats reality.
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What's so bad about day care?
One common thread I keep noticing among SAHMs is the universal disparaging of day care. They recoil in horror at the thought of letting "someone else" teach their kids to walk or ride a bike or whatever. I think parents who desperately need to be there for every one of these "moments" (a word usually uttered with a soft-focus Hallmark background floating around in their heads somewhere)have lost a bit of touch with reality.
I was a daycare kid, and some of my earliest and fondest memories are of playing with other kids in the woods behind my daycare provider's house, taking naps in her cozy basement, getting to wear my new shoes and having her admire them. I made FRIENDS at daycare. I learned to get along with OTHER KIDS, something that might have been hard for me (being naturally shy) if my mom had stayed at home with me during those early years.
My mom was (and is) an amazing art teacher. She's been at it for over 25 years. Now that both her kids are grown (my younger sister is a senior in college) she has time to create beautiful and strange ceramic pieces that allow her to express a bit of her inner self . Without the extra income from her job and the good living she makes from having STAYED at her job for so long, she could never afford the pottery classes or kiln time that she needs in order to create. I would feel a sense of deep guilt if my mother had given all that up for me.
Of course, we were lucky; my parents both had full-time jobs with benefits, and we lived a solidly middle-class life. They were able to afford their own (slightly dilapidated) home that my dad fixed up himself. My sister and I admired our mother for NOT coddling us through every step of growing up. We learned to think and act for ourselves. I would say that even though my mother worked, she absolutely put "family first." My parents made family dinner a priority every night, and they were always there to listen to us and encourage us. We were allowed to FAIL at something every so often so we would learn the true pleasure of earned success. And now, since my parents both still work, they can afford to help my sister and I out as we start our own lives. This fall, I am going to art school, and without my parents' two incomes (and a healthy dose of financial aid) we could never afford it.
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Maybe it's not my place...
I am a single, childless woman who found this article by a single, childless woman quite interesting and topical. Of course Rebecca is going to be biased by not having children just as all of the moms who have commented are quite biased by having children, and having made the choice whether or not to stay home/quit outside employment to raise them. Salon is not a mommy/parenting site. It is quite alright that someone who is not a parent write about parenting issues. I am glad it did come from the perspective of someone childless, because, gasp!, there are those of us who are childless who do mull over possible future choices. Call us "Women Who Might or Might Not Choose To Be Mothers Who Think." At this point in my life, living alone, making not much money, putting myself through school, I do not want children. I really don't want children. I do not have to make the choice of whether or not my children would be better off by me being there all the time for them. However, down the road (I am 27 years old currently) I might choose to have children, with or without a partner, and at that time I will have to make some kind of choice of what to do with my working life/home life. I am also thanking whatever it is that made me gay that I won't ever have to deal with having a husband like the ones described in the magazine. I know that not all, in my experience not most men, are like these husbands, but I am glad I do live a life that involves critical analysis of my role in a relationship, and a role as a mother, if it ever happens. Thank you Rebecca for exploring this topic in a way, even if others don't appreciate it, that some of us find interesting and relevant.
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Total 180
I always find this subject interesting, maybe because my experience and outlook is a little sideways. I was a stay at home mom for nearly 20 years. After my 4 children were nearly grown, I finished my college degree and went to work full time in the IT field.
The mothers described in this article are exactly the mothers I remember as friends and acquaintances. They loved telling themselves and one another how motherhood was the 'hardest job' ever. Complaining and kvetching on how hard they had it and how the working women & the rest of the world does not understand their scarifice. I didn't believe it then and still don't.
Stay at home motherhood is a luxury and like luxuries, are to be enjoyed. I loved the easy summer days gossiping at the pool, watching my children practice for dance recitals and going on family vacations. I did what I wanted, when I wanted. I was the master of my household, and the children took on activities with my approval. My husband was absolutely no help, but I'm easy going enough and it didn't bother me at all.
Now, as a woman with a professional career and all my children grown and gone, I find this new lifestyle lacking and disappointing. I cannot emphasize enough that expecting a person to do same one thing 40+ hours a week is cruel and maddening. At work, I am expected to write code hour after hour in a cube farm with the people who has got to be the dullest on the planet. It is rewarding to see the end product, but truthfully, doing housework on my schedule, having time to read, watch old movies and especially being with my children everyday was so much more fun.
O well, no one at home now, so I might as well go to work and make some money. I am good at what I do, and I do know how good I have it. I had it both ways and afterall middle age is about change.