Letters to the Editor
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Yawn
Another potpourri of Male/Female sterotypes with a large dose of trolling.
Is salon getting back to journalism anytime soon ?
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Total 180! is totally scary
It's interesting that these women who are so happy and content and fulfilled by their choice to be stay-at-home moms should feel it necessary to "celebrate" their status with a magazine that is more about their martyrdom than their joy.
But what really scares me is their parroting of the mantra of "putting family first" while they describe a life that is basically about putting women last in the family heirarchy. The husbands don't help. They make all the sacrifices so that their children can have a perfect existence free from want of their attention. And the things they want only come when everyone else is satisfied. What they describe is not liberation, it's servitude.
I am a mom who gave up a six-figure salary and a high-powered job, so that I could live a more family-centered life. But the thought that I might be "Gettin' CHOey" makes me want to vomit. Putting family first is about everyone pitching in to the family, everyone making compromises to make sure that each member of the family can fulfill their potential. That means that my husband participates in childcare, and I run a small business out of my home in the afternoons. Our child spends part of the day in child care. Everyone takes turns at being the priority and at being the servant.
It's more complicated than a faux nostalgia for a 1950's ideal that didn't even exist in the 1950's, and maybe it's a little "weird" by Debbie Klett's standard. But in the end it's the only way to make sure that all of us keep our self-esteem intact. And while Ms. Klett may not want to "slam anyone who has to work" she's certainly made it clear that she considers herself infinitely superior to women like me who choose to work. How nice for her. But in the end, being a "CHO" is not a "positive wave of change." These women are not innovators -- they've simply relegated themselves to a tired and outdated ideal of womanhood.
No wonder they are publishing a magazine -- it's a pathetic attempt to give meaning to their existence, to make themselves relevant again. It's not going to be that easy, ladies. You see, you can't have it both ways. You can't spend your life negating your own importance in order to "put family first" and then insist that somehow you merit the ink spilt to write about yourself in a magazine.
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stay at home mystique
Now that is a truly scary article. I am an older malewith a couple of marriages and a couple of kids (and yes I spend a lot of time with them) but the underlying concept that the burden of reproduction - and it is absolutely described as a burden - is borne by self-denying women is somewhat bizzare. In its essence, the magazine and the woman being interviewed want to say, and lack the courage to say it, that their choice is valid and if their lives are shitty, that's just too bad. For myself I never wanted to live like that and I don't actually have much regard for those who choose that course. I prefer women who think life is filled with difficult choices and choose to try to respond to all of the challengs that they face and are engaged with both their children and their work. And of course are tired. And interesting. Unlike the woman you interviewed.
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Scarily clueless
I work with kids; that's what I do. Anyone who tells you that kids from intact families with stay-at-home moms don't end up in gangs doesn't know squat about gangs.
Neurotic well-heeled women are no less neurotic when they are devoting their full attention to their kids. Frankly, it sounds as though some of the moms involved in Total 180 would be doing their children a favor by going back to work part-time and spreading their obsessions around, rather than bombarding their kids with their nervous energy.
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What's Really Scary Is . . .
Salon's Feminist Utopia
"Why are these women doing all the baking and cleaning and schlepping to husbands' office parties?"
Possibly b/c their husbands can't afford Alice from the Brady Bunch?
"I wanted to scream, 'Buy something for yourself! Let your husband get his own dinner!'"
Lovely. And you are still single?
"It's the same thing women talk about all the time, that their husband doesn't clean the house or doesn't do this or that. A man will step over the bag of garbage to get to the beer in the fridge, and a woman will pick up the bag of garbage as soon as she walks into the kitchen."
Ah. Man = Slob. How avant-garde.
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yikes!
I was really torn reading this. I'm a stay-and-work-at-home mom who really wants to be with her kids but also has periods of intense frustration. My husband is superb; it's not that I'm the house slave and have to beg to be "let out" every now and then. He helps with the kids, with the house, will go do the grocery shopping if I ask, will take the kids out so I can get some freelance work done and he encourages me to take time for myself. He is a fully evolved partner. But being home with young children IS a really hard job. And it IS a really important one too.
Most people who haven't stayed home with children really don't get how difficult it is. I have two girls (4 and 2) who are wonderful and I would be very sad if I had to work outside the house and be away from them all day. But at the same time, sometimes I think I will go nuts if I can't have a minute to go to the bathroom alone or check my email or formulate a freakin' thought in my head because there is someone who is talking/crying/running/fighting/yelling/demanding nonstop. It is hard. But it is my choice.
I'm sure I romanticized "staying home" when I first started thinking about it when my oldest was seven months old. I planned, we sacrificed and we somehow make it work. And just because it is the best solution for us, doesn't mean I think all families should do it this way. Conversely, just because I chose it doesn't mean it is perfect and happy all the time. I'm not asking for sympathy. But mothers are reluctant to talk about the dark side for fear that they will be branded a "bad mom". [What? You don't love every minute with your kids?! You must be a terrible mom!].
I haven't read this magazine, but the information in it from the interview sounds on target and realistic. Yes, I am often too tired for sex (although my helpful husband would qualify for sex around the clock if I filled out one of those scorecards). Yes, I'm on call 24/7 and have been since I was pregnant. That's just part of the deal when you take on raising another person. Yes, I feel that since I'm home I should take on the bulk of domestic duties.
Although Rebecca is terrified by the stay-at-home lifestyle, I think this magazine may just be comforting to those moms who are home and feeing overwhelmed, and who think they are the only ones. There's no need to pit the working moms vs. the SAH moms. Every mom I know is just trying her best. And it sounds like this magazine is trying to fill a need, not start a culture war.