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• Monday, November 7, 2005 07:10 PM

  The Infuriating Dowd

  I always read Maureen Dowd's columns, and I always get something out of them. Her turns of phrase quite often border on genious, and she always has something interesting to say.

  Of course, she's all too often lazy and dead wrong.

  That's why it's infuriating to read her work. With her better pieces, you see what she can do when she actually cares enough to try. It's just too bad that you have to sort through the clunkers in the process.

  But enough about Dowd herself; what about the points she raises in her new book?

  I understand her struggle. Her anecdote about wanting to give a library full of books to someone so they can better understand her hits close to home for me. I've struggled in the past with that same desire. But, in the end, I discovered that love - true, great, enduring love - isn't concerned with such things. Love is about the other person, not yourself. It's about seeing to someone else's needs rather than your own. It's about finding the ultimate fulfillment in making someone else's life better every day, and doing it because that is, more than anything else, what you want to do.

  The trick is to find someone who feels the same about you. Without that, who but a masochist could be happy? But you can't force or coerce someone into putting you first. You have to put yourself out there and take the chance. In fact, if you love someone, you'll have no choice. Either you love someone and are therefore willing to put them first, or you don't. You may like someone a lot, see them as a "life partner", or even care deeply for them, and still put yourself first. But that's not love.

  I think that's the basic problem in modern relationships. We're all a bit too selfish, and even a bit too afraid, to put ourselves second without first finding someone who will put us first.

  I'm ashamed to say it took me many years to figure this out, but life's been a lot simpler, clearer, and more delightful ever since.

  —Ransom Read Ransom's other letters
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