If we are poor and illiterate, do we lose ourself if we become educated and well off? Does one lose oneself if they win the lottery or move to Greece. ? What is this self , and where does it go?

just from observing your husbands life, his pre accident and post accident 'self" you can see that selfness is a way we use to freeze attributes that we transition through , yet leave us labeled..

Its yourself you're doing this for as well as your spouse . Unlike your friend ,perhaps you value loyalty above performance , or compassion above creativity.However perhaps that your husband doesn't remember things from one minute to the next, is a blessing for the day when you become just too completely worn down to even honor your own values. To delay that time, please get yourself some kind of respite for the long haul

What self to lose? Shulman's best known for her marriage contract, which split housework and childcare evenly. Alas, the Fates had other plans. Is there nothing she won't exploit to keep herself in the public eye?

Here's a random sample of her deep thinking:

"It's true that cooking became a symbol of women's oppression, so there's a certain paradox in glorifying it, a certain danger politically."

It's all about Alix.

is just so complex and difficult. I loved how vividly you told this story, and am of course, sorry for your troubles. What comforted me though was your husband's accepting attitude of his condition. When I think of dementia or any kind of brain injury, I think of the terror that must come with it of not understanding one moment to the next. If there's any reason to count your blessings it's that his torments are fleeting. You should probably get some kind of help, but that's your decision. I kind of hate to say I enjoyed this piece, but I really did. Life goes on, you don't think it will but it does.

And ideefixed, there's enough ugliness in the world, must you constantly try to pile it on?

This story was very touching to read. Thank you for sharing it. Anyone in a long-term relationship can appreciate the strong pull of loyalty to one's partner and the fact that a split second misstep can bring a life-changing catastrophe. I suspect I would handle such an event in a similar manner but I hope that I would get more help than you appear to have. You will wear yourself out, if you haven't already. And yes, you have lost yourself if your entire life is spent caring for him without any respite and joy for yourself. Time apart from your husband does not mean you don't love him. Think of it as giving you the strength necessary to keep living with him. You are too close to the situation to see things clearly. Your friends are right. I hope you'll listen to them and get a few hours of help each day to do things for yourself, including exercise. It could be the best thing you do, for both of you.

Like ideefixated I hate to bring up the obvious but Alix obviously had the material resources to take care of her husband and write long essays about what a hero she is.

My mother as I type this, is in a hospital after her third stroke. She is beginning to revert to a more childlike state. She has insisted on living in the family home of our childhood regardless of her condition. Having been her primary live-in caretaker for almost 2 years, I have been hamstrung by relatives and friends into allowing her to continue to live there, lest I be characterized as wicked.

Now the walls are closing in financially. The bank has cut off her home equity line of credit - a check wrote on that line to the IRS has bounced. She is unconcerned as the brain damage she has suffered has made her positively giddy. The copays for all her care are becoming crippling. The house she loves and has insisted she will die in, as my father did, will probably be seized. Like so many other Americans in this situation without the financial means, she will be forced into a government death house (nursing home) as soon as the hospitals, insurance companies, and state pick her estate clean. I run a bookstore in my home town and it is becoming a victim of the economy. I have been looking for a full time job but no one around here wants to hire a 45 year old former journalist for anything that pays enough to save the situation. I have just cashed in the last IRA. The nearest surviving relation is a sister in Florida who has used my mom as a human bank to fund her lifestyle for the last 20 years, over my constant objections.

I am not recounting this as a pathetic attempt at sympathy but merely to recount a common tale on behalf of the millions of victims of our pernicious bootstrap capitalist system who never got six figure book contracts, who are not in the position to write treacly letters about being able to have lunch with our literati friends while we hire people to look after our loved ones. We are the people that will lose everything to the system that takes our invalid loved ones, chews them up and spits them out when they have exhausted all the financial resources they have worked their entire lives building.

Shit happens to everyone in life but the final outcomes tend to differ vastly based on class.

Anyone who is unmoved by this tale has a heart of stone. I find myself with the letter-writer who noted that as sad and tragic as this tale is, millions and millions have to deal with similar circumstances with far less ability to cope.

I'm in a similar situation, though I care for a child who will very likely outlive me. The rest of my life is a script that is already written. "Government Death House" may come across as pretty strong, but in the current social compact, that is what my grown son will have for the remainder of his life once I am gone.

While it's a terrible fate to befall anyone, I wonder what it is about us that blocks our ordinary empathic response and says, "Wow, too bad for you," without also working to provide the author and the millions like her with the help and support that their loved ones need.

At least this victim had choices. For millions and millions of others, there ain't no choices.