...I didn't realize that by being a perfectly happy single person, with many friends for when I feel the need to be social and a self that I very much enjoy spending time with alone, I was in fact simply deluding myself. At least according to this author...

I'm also surprised by how badly she wants to be married (simply, it seems, for the sake of being married). She claims that it makes one unselfish and induces one to think of others, but it's hardly the only way to do that -- try volunteering! Start working as a tutor or a Big Sister or something! There are so many ways to live beyond oneself (personally, I'm partial to Habitat for Humanity) -- marriage isn't a cure-all. I know I lack credibility in saying that, having never been married, but I saw my parents' marriage and that was lesson enough.

Her whole thesis just seems so reductive and circular: I am single. I am selfish and unhappy. Therefore, I am selfish and unhappy because I am single -- voila, marriage is the obvious answer! Or... you could just try to be single, selfless, and happy. It's entirely possible.

I've seen this mentality often in second generation immigrants to the west - they both evolve in 'western values' and wear their traditional background values like a flag. It's true in Asian cultures mariage is highly valued and places a large role in someone's life. I think that in itself can be good; I (unlike some) still see many good things in mariage.

Where I am not as convinced is when mariage becomes a goal in itself to preserve family honor, more often than not. That there are still honor killings in rural villages in india, complete with acid burns is revealing enough. I understand intellectually when miss lilyrose (sorry for the misname earlier) explains happiness and love just aren't a part of the picture. The first purpose of a family is to propagate the family lines and enhance the community (tribe? religion?). But to be perfectly practical, the earth simply can't sustain the growth rate large traditional families entail, especially from emerging countries like china and india.

UN studies in Africa and just general demographic statistics in Asia and elsewhere have demonstrated that the level of education of young girls is directly linked to the number of children they'll have. I'm not saying we need to 'elevate the rural populations beyond their primitive communities and beliefs', nothing that extreme. Just that I think long term one person's choice of NOT getting married or not having children should be equally as valid and respected. A tradition 1000 years old means it has great value of course, but not necessarily the only path to follow. That will help the world population long-term, when the average family size drops...which is more in line with western values.

Indian society/culture is at a crossroads and in many cases unable to look at itself in truthful light. The hookup/bar culture is also present in modern Indian cities and I doubt that she'll be likely to find a suitable mate while trolling in that scene -- which to be sure, has to be at least equally as bad and maybe more so since Indians who were previously restricted are now actualizing certain lifestyle freedoms that would probably hinder a proclivity to settle down (newly formed access to choice and availability also leads many to promiscuity).

Anita Jain is a Harvard educated world traveled writer -- she's not going to look for anything less than an urbane, sophisticated, well connected, wealthy man from places like NYC or SF or LA, etc. Given this, it is unfair for her to skewer "Western" dating on the whole based on a limited subset of noncommital (wannabe) "movers and shakers". "Well there's no one to marry from the NYC bar scene hence western style dating is screwed up therefore I'm going to India to find a man" -- doesn't make much sense, but it's probably an interesting read.

The problem seems to be the dissonance she has as a result of the clash of cultures in which she's existed. It's something quite familiar to me as I have immigrant parents from that part of the world and was very socially awkward growing up because they didn't know how to guide me in an unfamiliar society. I was inducted into American ways and norms via tv, movies, books, and the kids at school while having a strict "Eastern" upbringing at home. I can't stress enough how difficult it was to balance two such competing lifestyles and ways of thinking. It's something I still haven't quite settled and I can emphatically say that it does affect my dating life so I can understand perhaps the fundamental dilemma that Ms. Jain has.

I'm a SWM in Manhattan, age 39. Now that you've all blamed your problems on men, let me make a few comments from the other side of the table.

This a superficial city for both men and women; just ask any 5' 3" guy if you doubt that women are superficial. Everybody's just looking for the best "deal" they can find. I once got dumped (by email, natch) by a woman said I was a great guy, but she had met someone who works at Goldman. That's the only explanation I got: "he works at Goldman." As if I'm supposed to say, "oh, hey, say no more! For a guy at Goldman, I'd dump myself!"

Another woman stopped communicating with me because - and I swear this is true, the person who introduced us confirmed it - I ordered a pink drink for myself when we were on a date. What can I say? I was new to the city and still under the impression that women cared about substance rather than style.

"Activities groups are all women?" Absolutely not true. The two soccer classes I joined were 90% men. The six creative writing classes I took (through three different organizations) were 50-50, and most of the people were retired and/or married. The many "walking tours" I've taken in Manhattan and Brooklyn are mostly older couples.

I hope I don't look at this post tomorrow morning and say, "damn, I came off as a misogynist troll", because I do not want to disrespect anyone's frustration or loneliness. I just want to convey that the anger and bitterness and frustration is there on both sides, and to claim things are worse for women is self-serving and narrow-minded.

Quick anecdote: I got together with a college friend a few weeks ago - we hadn't seen each other in about eight years. The conversation turns to personal life. I tell him I haven't dated in 5 years. He hasn't dated in 7. And he says, "isn't this city supposed to be crammed full of women? Where the hell are they all?" And I say, "Thank you! I thought it was just me!"