My (India-born, but US-educated) friend tried an arranged marriage, and it was a disaster.

Although she is pretty and educated and vivacious, and had lots of dates and "interest", a marriage proposal did not materialize.

Since she was not happy with being single after she hit 30, she allowed her parents to try to set up an arranged marriage.

They found a suitable young man for her, who also lived in the US, and when they met they liked each other quite a lot.

So even though she had met him only once, she moved to his city, they saw each other slightly more often, and the wedding planning began. The next year they were married and she moved in with him and his sister's family.

Sadly, both her husband and his sister's family abused her both physically and verbally. After several months of this, she moved out to save her life. While both her parents and his parents back in India were appalled, and they tried, and she moved back in once, he and his family did not change their behavior, and she said that she did not feel "safe" living with them.

She's now divorced, less than 2 years after her marriage. Of course, she is considered a pariah as far as another arranged marriage is concerned. The families in India are both ashamed, although they both support her still (to their credit). But she feels like she will never marry or have a family now.

Traditional arranged marriage is not always the sunshine & flowers as described in the article!

MOst women in America are not marriage material.

It's either "Girls Gone Wild" or angry, chip-on-the-shoulder feminist.

Perhaps that's why Russian and Japanese dating services cater almost exclusively to American men, and why women's groups put so many legal barriers up to prevent them from operating successfully.

Back at ya, bitch.

"the refuge of the desperate and socially isolated"... hardly! Check your facts, sweetheart. More and more people are finding (real) love through dating sites. Yeah, there are toads, but you don't have to kiss them, and if you're smart you know how to spot a gem. I did, and we're going on year 8 of our relationship, most of it married. Don't knock it 'til you've really tried it, as opposed to bashing that which you haven't really given a chance.

having read both this and the piece in NY Magazine, that Anita Jain may have an easier time arranging a match than making a marriage work once she has it.

She seems to lack the hardheaded pragmatism about marriage that women of my parents generation had that made arranged marriages work.

My mom had a love match (in the 60s when that was a shocking thing to do!) but I heard a lot about it from aunties. Marriage isn't about romantic happiness, but about having a partner and raising a family. Women of her generation were not looking for Fabio. It's not just that "love comes later" but that romantic love is not the point. Indian marriage is a communitarian institution.

From the anecdote with her friend in the park, Jain describes a highly romantic idea of what her own marriage might look like. She is enormously choosy for some superficial reasons - something she defends because men are similarly superficial. She rejects one perfectly nice man who is into her because he is overweight (losing weight on Atkins, but still!) ... and I'm sure that will work out for her as well as it does anyone else.

That doesn't sound like she's looking for my auntie's arranged marriage. It doesn't even sound like my mom's love match.

The irony is that many Desi women of my acquaintance (first and second generation) put off marriage ... and we battle the very same social pressures Jain is giving in to for our cherished independence!

I know it has been said but I just had to chime in too. Feminism is about having choices. It does NOT contradict traditional values, and I am appalled by the number of angry/bitter people in these letters regularly who put them at polar opposites.

You want higher education and marry later or not at all? fine. You'd rather remain within your religious community and remain 'pure' for your wedding? also fine. But how then can you know women in the latter category chose freely and weren't strongly influenced by her community? You don't because allowing everyone choices means also dealing with its negative impacts - closed social communites that don't mix with their surroundings.

Feminism and community aren't opposites, quite the contrary. My female friends all consider themselves feminists - they want to make their own choices and be supported in them. Some are very religious, most a bit or none at all. Some have big careers, some stay at home. Some married, some single by choice.

Lilyrose though I don't always agree with your points (I think our social communities, neighbourhoods and friends can be just as supportive or marriage and families as our ethnic ones) your posts and down to earth, calm and eloquent. cheers!

I apologize that I can't dig up the link, but a few years ago I was emailed a New York Times (or New York magazine) article about large numbers of NYC women joining all sorts of activities and clubs only to find that all the other members were also women. And these included clubs that you would think of as appealing to men (rock climbing, stock trading, etc.).

So I do think there is some truth to the idea that single men are not participating in group activities as much as single women.

Move out of New York. It's the loneliest city in the world, it feeds and creates loneliness and it makes you lose your soul. You can be lonely anywhere, but never as lonely as in New York.

I want Boreddcgirl to challenge Robert Franklin to come to DC and see for himself. He shows up and they continue sparring while she drags him to Obama headquarters, tree hugger book club, white water kayaking, rock climbing, kickball, ultimate frisbee, and recycling volunteer work. Finally Robert gets smashed in a trash compactor while helping at the recycling center trying to prove that there are big strong worthy guys there and one of the doo-gooder waif girls accidentally pushes the compactor button (because there are no guys there after all) and Robert ends up in the hospital while Boreddcgirl says told you so.

Feeling obligated, an exasperated Boreddcgirl shows up to visit Robert Franklin in the hospital and they are making fun of the stuff on tv in the hospital room and discover she hates the tv channel he likes and he hates the tv channel she likes and they fight over the remote etc. etc. blah blah. Robert Franklin says fine go back to your boring, single, apartment and Boreddcgirl says Fine, my 8 cats actually are more exciting than you and he says don't make me laugh, I have 3 broken ribs.

You see where this is going they fall in love and stay off Salon ever after.

P.S. the young men from India where I work sure do look good. There must be a rule in India against wearing sloppy wrinkled hanging out shirts, ratty jeans, schlubby baseball caps and beat-up sneakers. I haven't seen one guy from India in jeans or sneakers. Nor have I seen a pot belly. (I am being a big ol' hypocrite because I don't look so great myself) but they sure do look good. I highly doubt they have wives who do their ironing and I highly doubt (not that it's right) that they get paid enough to take their shirts to a laundry so I figure they are ironing their shirts themselves...well they are getting my notice for dressing so nicely.