Good advice from Cary.

One word from a fellow woman who had complex mother issues:

Your mother has set up the "horrible person" tape in your head. She did that because her mother did the same to her. No matter what you do you'll hear inevitably: "I don't know why you don't love me -- I loved my mother."

Are you her only immediate family member? If so, you're stuck. If not, demand that others pitch in.

A weird lag thing happens in families. Intimacy gaps. We imagine we're in the inner circle when we're not. This is because we no longer live in true extended families. And what we do have is ultra-stressful.

Do you not like your mother? Is that it? Are you using the busy-ness of your immediate family as an excuse to put distance between you and her? If so, you've got to face it. It doesn't make you a bad person if your personality clashes with the person who bore you. It doesn't. This kind of personality conflict happens all the time within families.

If this is just about you becoming more efficient, well then you've got to keep an eye on your ethics -- and your karma.

The way so many people with horrible mothers think it's somehow their problem to keep their mothers happy. As if you brought yourself into the world, rather than the other way around. As if it were your responsibility while you were growing up to keep her safe, rather than the other way around.

I think we have two main duties toward our parents: one, treat them as decently as they deserve, unless it does something for YOU to treat them better; two, stay alive.

I found this interesting:

If we think about our reputation, and we are honest, we have to admit that a fair number of people probably don't like us. They talk behind our backs and say unkind things about us. We can know this to be true because that is what we and our friends do, too. We talk about other people.

I hate to admit this is true. Really hate to admit it. I have been hurt recently by someone saying things that are not true, and unfortunately it's only after receiving that hurt that I realize that I shouldn't participate in that kind of talk at all. One never knows the whole story.

You're a mother also, so maybe it would help you to think about what you really feel your children will owe you when you're older. You will want their love, of course, and their attention when they can give it, but not at the expense of their families and their own wellbeing. So tell yourself that your mother doesn't expect that of you either.

I'm so lucky -- my mother is a wonderful person, but she's 84 and I also feel guilty that I can't give her more of my time. I guess guilt just comes along with our family relationships.

I always tell my kids how "jump the shark" it is to have a "best of" episode in any TV series, which this letter seems like. Worse, the LW provides no information what so ever, other than LW doesn't want to feel bad. How can you go through life making adult decisions and not feel bad? You can't put your dying cat down and "feel good" - sometimes doing the right thing will make you feel bad, and there's nothing you can do about it. Make a goddam decision and live with it. Feeling good about everything you do is for kids who watch "Barney".

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article6891089.ece

LW, you might want to try reading some Albert Ellis.

He starts with the premise that you can't judge a person, only the person's actions. You don't judge whether the person is good or horrible, just whether the person's actions are good or horrible. Behavior can be both understood and explained -- "a good person" or "an evil person" are almost incomprehensible concepts because we're full of contradictions.

Ellis promotes unconditional self-acceptance as a means to move towards unconditional other acceptance.

Ellis also advocated self-help, and much of his work is built for that process, rather than lengthy on-going therapy.

I think it might help you.

from Cary, but if she's old she'll probably up and die on you just to keep in control! Those Moms!

Why do you need to detach from your mother? Because she's a horrible person - or because she's an OK person who unfortunately has needs and problems and personality issues that interact badly with your own?

If she's a horrible person - you detach for your children's sake, for your own sake, and don't feel guilty.

If it's more subtle than that - look to what the problems are, and see what you can do to change things, get some distance, change the worst elements, eliminate what you cannot stand.

Oddly enough, I once read some excellent advice about this from Dr. Laura, of all people. She said that our "obligations" to our parents meant that they were 1) housed, 2) fed, and 3) cared for when unable to care for themselves. That was it. It was enormously liberating.

LW, if I were you, I would:

- Start carving out a little "you" time each day. Even half an hour. You'll be amazed at how much clearer your thinking becomes. Your family is not going to JUST DIE if you take a few minutes for yourself.

- Get a good therapist.

- Figure out the difference between what you WANT to give your mother, what you feel like you SHOULD give her, and what she wants.

- Gradually learn to set boundaries and move into a more adult relationship.

THIS IS HARD. Take baby steps. Use humor. Get good suppport. Talk with your friends. Your mother may hate it and do her best to make you feel like the most awful person ever. Some magic phrases might be, "Mom, I love you to death, but I just can't do that right now," or "I'm sorry you're upset, but I really need to (insert blank)." Tell her you love her. Then hang up the phone. Imagine you're parenting your own kids - don't let her suck you in, don't let her push you off message.

Simply tell her you love her and get off the phone.