She will probably leave you, and at the very least it will take a very long time for her to trust you...maybe never. You have nothing to gain by telling her, and everything to lose.

If you have truly changed your ways, then it doesn't matter. If you haven't, she'll find out soon enough.

Call me cynical but would you be writing this letter if your ex hadn't threatened to tell any woman you're involved with? I have a feeling the answer is no or you would already shared your relationship problems.

I've always wondered why a person can get 4-5 years in jail for physical assault from say , a fight in a bar, but beating up a female partner gets counseling or'anger management 'classes."This is a miscarriage of justice.

You made no mention of the things that trigger your violence - jealousy, alcohol, sex,control over your wife's daily activities or finances. But just because you've gone to a therapist with your wife does not mean you are now "cured" of your habit of dealing with difficult aspects of your life with uncontrollable violence.

You need to be supervised,in this relationship for the first few years , should it last that long, and your GF needs to be involved in that therapy/supervision, though perhaps not necessarily on a weekly basis. Perhaps after being in it for a few weeks you can invite her and tell her there... she will obviously need some support at the time of telling to feel safe to react honestly.And it is up to her to decide if she wants to take a chance on getting beat up in her relationship- not your decision to withold the fact that a she is gambling.

What Doctor T is suggesting is completely reprehensible in every possible way - it is telling that the Letter Writer, despite a somewhat sordid past, seems to have more integrity and honesty than the good Doctor. Firstly, anyone entering a relationship has an obligation to tell their partner about issues from their past that have a possibility, no matter how unlikely, of resurfacing. Furthermore, even if he truly would never hit a woman again, the fact that he abused his ex-wife would be a deal-breaker for many people, and his girlfriend has a right to know what she may be dealing with. Secondly, odd are, his ex-wife may make good on her threat, so at the end of the day, this is more of a when, not if, sort of situation - the odds of his girlfriend staying with him are much better (albeit still small) if she hears it from him than if she hears it from his ex-wife. In short, listen to Cary's advice, and tell her the truth. In the meantime, although I normally would let such a thing slide, I've reported Doctor T for abuse for essentially advocating and possibly inciting physical violence.

LW you write "I want to tell my girlfriend about my past, but also want her to understand that she's not at risk of being abused. And ideally, she would choose not to dump me."

Clearly she deserves to know, because you don't know if she's at risk of abuse. She cannot make an INFORMED CHOICE about you if she doesn't know.

Secondly GF will find out anyway*, than she will feel lied to. Women really, really hate to be lied to (I know!!!) and as far as I'm concerned she will probably see you leaving out this "little tidbit" as a lie. You might lose her, but if you respect her at all you'll tell her within 48 hours.

Finally, you write "my ex-wife, in a bit of uncharacteristic malice, has announced her intentions to tell any woman I might be in a relationship with about the abuse at their first meeting"

Gee, blame the victim much? You physically abuse somebody and you expect they should stay silent? You attitude demonstrates a lack of contrition on your part. It doesn't matter that "you've changed!" and the Ex is being "unfair" - this is the can of worms YOU opened when YOU decided it was OK to wallop your spouse. YOU made the bed, now lie in it like a man instead of trying to "hide the bad report card" like a child.

*Yes the GF will find out, especially if the EX is hellbent on telling the world about you.

It's that simple.

Doctor T you think the GF will "find out soon enough" and that's good enough? No ****ing way!

(1) Once the GF starts getting hit it's too late. She should know before committing years of her life to LW what he was once (supposedly) capable of.

(2) It's about informed consent. Before people get married they deserve, morally, to know about "issues". Would you want to marry somebody and NOT know they had a history of racking up huge debts gambling? What about a history of prostitution or pyromania?

(3) Speaking personally, before my DW married me (20 years this November) she knew about ALL the skeletons in my closet and there were plenty. It's the honest thing to do, and while I don't always advise honesty, in this case it's a must-do thing.

The fact that you’re considering NOT telling her tells me something about you.

It’s something you can change, but not by continuing to think of yourself first.

The fact that you view your wife’s intention to tell your girlfriend as solely motivated by malice—that also tells me something about you.

While I don’t know the situation and it may be true that there is some malice involved, there’s also this: Sometimes, women protect each other.

And in this case, thank goodness for that.

the guy who does is the one who's changed.

Well put!

I would want to hear that you are committed to going to individual therapy and couples therapy. Then get started soon as possible.

Maybe you think you don't need anymore therapy, but if I were her, this would be a deal-breaker.

Tell her that you are thinking about a future with her, but before you make any plans you'd like to attend couples therapy for a year so that you can both be sure that abuse will not happen in your relationship. Therapy will be good for you since this is your first serious relationship since your marriage.

And, it will be good for her because a therapist can help her to navigate the situation. She will probably worry that she is getting sucked into manipulation that will lead to abuse -- a therapist can help her to recognize positive and negative signs, and to be more certain in her decisions.

After a year of weekly couples therapy, you two can start talking about next steps with a solid foundation. She will have the tools to detect abusive behavior in the early stages, and you will have the tools to make sure it never happens again. And, you will both have a common vocabulary to address conflict between the two of you.