Use Firefox and it's "Private Browsing" feature. :P

Cary, how can you begin to think that the L.W. imagining herself as her completely imaginary tormentor is going to help her?

This other woman, as you say at the end of your advice, is not the problem. And in this you are completely correct. How is imagining an imagination going to center her back into herself? I don't get it.

The L.W. says something is missing. Yeah, a real intimate relationship with her husband. It might be of some relief for her to know that most marriages are like this. It's just that most spouses don't have the urge to play around. God knows, many do -- just not a huge majority, or the entire institution would be collapsing quicker than it already is.

Her nice little world came crashing down around her because of this infidelity. She's got to figure out how she's going to paste it back together again. She's got all the pieces she needs. Except trust in her husband. That is the piece that's missing. Can she function without it?

I don't think so. She's got to give her husband an ultimatum: "We need to go away from the house, from the kids, from our world for at least two weeks, and become partners to each other again. Then we'll say goodbye to that other marriage and 'remarry' each other. Otherwise we'll lose our souls."

She thinks it's all about the other woman? Boy, no wonder that marriage has cracked. She's emotionally clueless about life in general. That's the other piece that's missing.

BTW, Cary. Welcome back. I was worried about you. A sad Friday blog and no blog on Monday -- what's a poster to think?

He wasn't attracted to her for her looks but her online personality, which may be quite different from the way she interacts with others face to face. So there's no point in meeting her. Anyway, as soon as you do you will find fault with her to make yourself feel better about you.

For men, adultery is more difficult to accept because it opens the door to the possibility the children the wife bears might not be his. For women, by contrast, emotional affairs tend to be more difficult because they command the man's attention and take it away from his family.

I would say the larger issue here is that her husband has lied to her before at least once, and has done it again. Having been in a somewhat similar situation myself, I can say that I spent a whole lot of time focused on/obsessed with the other woman and how she could have done what she did at first -- perfectly normal response, I'd say. However, this is only part of the process of coming to terms with betrayal -- the larger issue is that her husband has been dishonest -- someone who is supposed to love her has betrayed her, and this is the harder thing to come to grips with -- which is why sometimes it's easier to focus on the other party and how they might compare with us. It can take a very long time -- and a similar process to mourning -- to really get through all the emotional stages of dealing with a betrayal.

Just so you're allright.

First of all, you have my sympathies. I've been on the receiving end of that pain, and I've delivered it as well. There are few things in life that can consume you, on a soul level, like the uncertainty and confusion and hurt and anger of not knowing the truth about a husband's affair. It's like wandering through a carnival fun house with the distorted mirrors and trying to find the one that reflects you. Only the experience is way short on fun. Please know that I, too, have felt what you're feeling.

The problem is this: not only has your husband betrayed you, but he has wreaked havoc with any trust you might have had in your own judgment. You ask, Was this actually happening on my watch? Did he come home, kiss me, perhaps even make love to me, and the whole time he was fantasizing about her? This is why you feel crazy. You don't know who or what to believe--him, her, your own questionable judgment. You take painkillers, hoping to ease the pain. But the pain never eases.

One of the few truths I know for sure: his affair, virtual or otherwise, had nothing to do with you. It didn't come about because you weren't enough. It evolved because he wanted his own chemical painkiller: illicit sex. He wanted a dildo for his ego. He wanted to prove he still "had it." There are a thousand reasons, and believe me, they have nothing to do with your merit as a woman. You two are married. You have kids. His life is a rat wheel of responsibility and obligation. And guess what? Tough shit. You make sacrifices, too, don't you? But he sees you as part of the drudgery. She's the vacation. And I'm willing to bet if you actually saw this pathetic creature he's fantasizing about, she would make you laugh until you cried. It's not about her. It's not about you. It's about him.

My advice? Find her. Confront her. Move forward with the idea that you can get your questions answered. But I predict that you won't find any answers there, because you're looking in the wrong direction. He needs counseling--and you might make that a condition of his probation. But you need counseling, too. Here's what I'm getting at.

For you to feel consumed by this obsession with the idea that she might be sexier/younger/prettier/more alluring than you tells me that you are still handing your self-worth away. Just handing it away. Putting it in the hands of someone (your husband) who is clearly a fucking mess right now. Is that wise? Would you place one of your children in the care of the criminally insane? Of course not. Yet every time you look outside yourself for a mirror, for external validation of who and what you are, even if it's your husband, you're remitting yourself to the custody of the fundamentally insane. And that is the gift for you in all this. Here is your chance to truly liberate yourself, not just from needing him to "love" you, but needing the world to show you your own beauty.

Just remember: he doesn't love this woman. It's arguable whether he's even capable of love at all. He just wanted a legal high--like you do. He took a really underhanded, weasely approach to getting his needs met (which is still at issue here). But you have an incredible opportunity to evolve.

Take it. Go through that door. The pain will not kill you. I promise you will find the answers you are looking for.