Huh. My dad was in AA for many years (he stopped going to meetings when he got a terminal cancer diagnosis and didn't want to listen to people complaining about arguing with their wives) and sponsored many people during those years. We talked about it often, and he once told me, "Just because you're sober doesn't mean you're not an asshole." (did I mention my dad was a tough son-of-a bitch [in a good way])?)

Seems like LW's sobriety has done nothing to mitigate his assholery. Now, I can understand not wanting his wife to keep alcohol in the house. And, I can understand wanting her to not drink when she's with him. I can understand him asking her to brush her post-drinking teeth before kissing him. But when she's not with him? Really? She's not the alcoholic; she's not the one with the problem. He is. His problem is not her problem. Seems like she sacrificed enough just by staying with LW.

Cary is the expert in these matters. Truly, truly -- that is where he shines.

That said, LW, it is not really an accomplishment to not be a drunk. Sorry. I think you're going to have to grasp that concept for any kind of success. That's just ground level -- starting point -- zero.

Oh, and by the way, blaming S0MEONE for SOMETHING that has to do with you drinking or not drinking is something ALL of you in that little AA group have in common.

So yeah, suck it up. Stick with it.

WTF is up with your wife? Girl's night out? So you're quitting and she's out drinking. What a catch.

This won't end well. Please send a part II in 2 years.

Oh and stick it out with your mean sponsor.

L.W.: Doesn't that make sense? You're reacting to your sponsor like he's making a personal judgment. He doesn't even know YOU that well yet. He's working the program just like you.

As my one alcoholic relationship once said to me, "Alcohol is messy." -- that is in comparison to all the other substances he had abused during his long and un-illustrious career. He was saying he had no respect for it because it left him with none.

So even though this substance is legal in our society, that doesn't make it softer than heroin. You're dealing with the wiliest of them all, as Bill W. will oft remind you.

That's you and your thoughts. Wiley. In your recovery, no one's behavior should eclipse that truth, but you can go on to deal with other people's bad behavior while sober. Billions of people do it.

Work the program. Hang around old-timers. Avoid newbies.

What isn't clear in your letter is what your agreement with your wife is -- about your commitment to sobriety and AA.

Are you just momentarity whining, or does your upset indicate a weak spot in your marriage?

You are changing. Your wife hung onto a drunk for years. Is she with you in your commitment to sobriety, or do you feel she's undermining you? I get no sense of anything but peevishness from your letter.

She has to support your commitment 1,000% or it won't work. It's unfair to her, but since she married an alcoholic, she should go dry too. It's really the only way your sobriety and your marriage will work.

I think that's pretty obvious.

You crybaby.

This guy has been drinking hard for 18 years. In the last 85 days he has attended 131 meetings. That doesn't leave a whole lot of time for, oh, say, child care. Dishes. Cooking. Bill-paying. Being the adult.

Wanna place bets on how much time he's put into managing the day to day of that marriage? Seems to me that wifey deserves a girls night out. She deserves it for sticking with him through 18 years of hard drinking. She deserves it for getting through 3 months of doing everything while he focusses on his recover.

He's an alcoholic. It's an illness. But it doesn't mean that she has to become a martyr to it. She is not an alcoholic. Just because he's in recovery does not let him off the hook for the basics, like child care. Like laundry. Like giving a damn what's going on in his wife's life. Kudos to the sponsor and kudos to Cary for empathizing with the wife.

Yo candypants I'm not letting LW off here. 18 years of hard drinking cannot be good for him or his family. OTOH a "girls night out" is frivolous. He's overcoming something that's been on him for 18 years. I hardly consider missing a "girls night out"* to be a higher priority than getting "daddy" off the sauce. When your spouse is sick you take care of them, you don't party when they need you. Maybe you're right and LW's wife has every right to be out, but I'm sure glad I'm don't have a marriage where getting drunk is more important than caring for the person you marry.

*what, they drink and talk about TV shows they watched?

Who do you think watched the kids all those years you were out drinking? Who watches the kids during the other 12 meetings a week you go to? Missing two meetings is a problem? Sheesh, you make ME want to drink!

Cary is, of course, right.

He's your sponsor, not your best friend, and the only "side" he's taking is yours. From everything else you've written he apparently knows what he's talking about and he's obviously helping you.

And on that note - congratulations on 84 days!!! Keep it up!

I don't understand your perspective at all. LW's life, and presumably that of his wife, has been tangled up in his alcoholism for the past 18 years, so now you think it's only fair that LW's wife's life ought to be tangled up in his attempt at sobriety now? What about her life? Like Cary said, it's time for LW to learn that not everything is about him. His wife deserves to have some fun. It is simply absurd to believe that their family life should revolve utterly around him, not only when he is drunk, but also when he is trying to become sober. That's not what a married partnership is about.