Dear Louis

I commend your sorrow for the suffering of Palestinians and Iraqis but I strongly disagree that they are just "victims of destiny". Victims, yes - but not of some hapless turn of the wheel. They are victims of greed, power gone amuck, ignorance, and yes, telling ourselves we are powerless to change things.

If you want a way to do something to help Iraqi victims of war who have been displaced and are now living in deep poverty and who think (perhaps correctly) that the world has forgotten them, check out Collateral Repair Project www.collateralrepairproject.org (I'm founder and co-director, in Amman Jordan now and we're trying like crazy to raise 3 grand by Wednesday so we can deliver a month's staple foods to at least 100 families that are desperately in need)

I suggest that, whatever wrong you see, do what you can to do your small part in making things right. We may not have much power as individuals but together we can - and must - change the world. That, my friend, is our "fate" - to find our hearts and not run helplessly from pain we encounter but to embrace it and use it to motivate us to do whatever we can.

LW - many good suggestions from other posters and I may be duplicating others' responses but I suggest spending some time with your niece and perhaps just asking her what her dreams are - what her life would look like if she erased all the limitations she may feel would deny that dream coming true. Once she can articulate that vision, then perhaps you can sit down with her and write out a plan o simple steps she can take to realize or approximate her dream. During this process, you can convey your belief in her and her ability to create this ideal life - and perhaps even see some realistic ways you might be able to help out that don't jeopardize your own situation. I suggest that you not put a lot of attention on what seem to be the impediments she faces now but on discovering solutions that make it more likely she can reach her goal - whatever it is.

I am disappointed. Why can't she help her cousin herself while setting up appropriate boundaries? As a teacher (myself from a dysfunctional and addicted family) I cannot tell you how many times I have been asked how I am going to help a student while the family doesn't want to "rock the boat" to help their own.

Here the writer doesn't want to make her cousin feel ashamed (a projection), doesn't trust her family, doesn't want to rock the boat. It's such a classic symptom of living in an addicted family.

I hate to say it, Carey, but this time, you sound like an addict. You encourage "wanting to help" to follow her dysfunctional family values and avoid talking to cousin directly, avoid helping her directly and avoid the projected feelings of shame that her cousin might have. Asking for help is something we learn in therapy. A therapist tells us,"it's OK to ask for help" or "you need to learn to ask for help." Ask for help when you need it, not when you're capable of helping but it's a bit uncomfortable.

Also, while beautifully poetic, what exactly is the letter to the teacher asking for? money? someone to take in the cousin? someone to find a school for her? to help her fill out the forms? "Wanting to help" can do all that. She can provide or organize this help.

I once took in an abused teenager (a student of my husband) for a year so that she could finish high school. The situation was not ideal. She was 17 and I was 27 with two small children. We lived in a small apartment on a tight budget. She was angry and rebellious. It was hard. She just finished her masters degree and she is a fantastic member of my family.

I once bought my brother a suit, got him a job interview and let him sleep on my couch when he was going through a rough time. He was drinking and depressed. It didn't work. I didn't help him then, but he helped himself later and he remembers that I believed in him and that I tried.

My response is three-fold. 1. When an opportunity to help presents itself, take it! Don't pass it off to someone else. 2. Face your family baggage, confront your feelings of discomfort. 3. Asking teachers to help is a cop out. Teachers who help (compassionate, good teachers) already stretch themselves to help students. Our society expects teachers to be everything- parents, role models, experts in their subject, record keepers, coaches, psychologists and social workers for little respect and little pay. A good teacher confronts the fine lines of communicating, encouraging and mentoring students with dysfunctional families every day.

Delve in and take the risk of getting in too deep! YOU are the person with standing who should take an interest in your cousin.

You have to wait until she asks. Make yourself available, be kind to her, and listen without offering advice. When she asks for advice, she's ready to accept your help. If you impose it on her, she will resent it - and she'd be right to resent it. She's an adult, and has the right to her destiny. If she never asks, it wasn't meant to be.

Let her choose your help. Otherwise you're just meddling.

For those people who live in Iraq, Afghanistan and Palestine, bomb exploding threatens their lives everyday. That’s not what they want. But they were born in there. It's not like they have any choices. Same with those kids who live in a slum. It’s destiny. At least I’m incapable of helping any of them at this time. I feel bad.

My mom helped us through college. No money. She let us live at home, rent free. We worked at a job for tuition money, car money, car insurance money, and any extra. So long as we were in college, living at home was free. Occasional clothing, and food was included.

All of this is something you could choose to do - husband willing - without giving her any money that would go to the family. If she's old enough to go to college, she's old enough to choose where she lives. Maybe some deal where she provides some services to you - housecleaning, babysitting, etc. as well - something that lets her feel like she's contributing something worthwhile. Being able to contribute and getting recognized is something her family has likely not given her to date - something she needs to learn to join the real, working world.