I think you got it.

The problem is LW. He needs to do some work on himself. He may be fine in some areas, but needs to learn to talk and listen. He's not ready for a real relationship. Well, it's not a biggie-- most guys aren't, some never learn, some never see any reason to learn. Who are you, LW?

He's too young to know who he is, who he will be, what sort of man he will become. He has some ideas and they may come true. But life has a way of tossing curveballs. Plans go awry. What he imagines now may become very different. Hell, it will be very different. Isn't it always?

He also does not seem to get how great things are right now and seems intent on ruining what could be a wonderful time. LW, enjoy this. You are 20, in college with plenty of money, and have a rich, beautiful, funny girlfriend. You are not worried about the future. Can it get any better? Why are you picking, picking at this? At her? Relax a bit, enjoy your life now, enjoy her. And talk to her.

Why don't you just ask her questions such as:

"What would you do if your parent's were suddenly affected by the recession and couldn't help you out?", "If you could only spend your money on one luxury, what would it be? What could you live without?", "What do you want from your future... a house? What kind of house? Kids? What do you want your kids to be able to do?" etc etc etc. (and don't rapid fire these questions, weave them into conversations randomly).

That way you are keeping it positive and NOT condescending, as yes, your letter made you sound. But you still get your answers. Don't make assumptions about what your girlfriend WOULD do based on what she DOES do b/c her parents happen to give her money. If you won the lottery, wouldn't you quit your job and buy something(s) extravagant? You can't fault her.

Genuinely, you don't even know how your girlfriend is going to act until college is done with and she doesn't need her parent's assistance, so stop stressing about the "what ifs" and enjoy your relationship before you destroy your relationship.

... so really, what do you care? There is something too-controlling about your attitude toward her spending. Do you want to be with someone who is dependent upon you so that you can control her spending? Your girlfriend isn't telling you how to spend your money and making judgments, is she?

And her comments about her parents' properties, etc: jeez, while it's rude to bring up such matters in general company, if you two are serious, then maybe she thinks you need to know these things. After all, some day some/all of these assets may be hers--which, if you stay with her, will effect you as well. A couple in a serious relationship *needs* to talk about money-- not just their own money, but also things like possible inheritances, life insurance policies, etc. This is the kind of thing that needs to be hammered out before the wedding, so that when/if she presents the pre-nup, you're not surprised.

I agree that you need to *talk* to her more about this stuff. You also need to stop "acting jerky" when she brings this stuff up, because it sounds to me like she is trying to initiate such a conversation in her own way. Her parents have money. This is *not* a judgement of you! This is her reality! If you can't deal with it, someone else will. You need to take a hard look at yourself first: why do you feel this need to control this aspect of her life, which, by your own admission, is always going to go swimmingly?

It doesn't matter what the issue is - the problem is that LW finds himself judging his girlfriend harshly and isn't sure how to handle that.

The judgment and his response to it (acting jerkish) are the problem. It doesn't matter whether the ostensible conflict is about - money, values, lifestyles, friends, or whatever. Conflict is inevitable in all relationships, and LW should focus on learning how to deal with it, rather than getting sidetracked about "teaching" his girlfriend about money issues and attitudes.

I would not suggest making subtle comments! Instead, purchase John Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" and start getting a basic education on what makes relationships work.

Dear LW,

I just want to ask you this one question, and I mean it in a straight forward way. I am not trying to make you feel guilty. But sit down and think about this clearly, okay?

Do you truly know, in your heart, how very lucky you are, and how incredibly rare the circumstances of your life are? This is actually the answer to your problem. Because this is what your girlfriend is missing at this point -- that kind of awareness and gratitude, dignity and grace.

I respect you for thinking and feeling the way you do about your girlfriend's problem. And yes, it is a problem, a major problem. Because she has been indulged in her life, a life which is an impossible dream for 97 percent of humanity, she has a serious character defect, and it is no less serious than a physical defect -- perhaps it is actually more serious.

Maybe her parents loved her so much that they indulged her, and perhaps she was so protected and insulated from reality that she really hasn't yet experienced much suffering at all, or the important training of simply not being able to have something that she wants very much.

Without having that kind of experience, and without taking it to heart honestly, she is not a fully developed human being. She's still a child, and whether or not she goes through life as a spoiled child or a fully human woman depends on her being willing to learn these things now -- to expand her heart.

It's not her fault. She is not "bad," I'm sure. And it sounds like she's pretty young.

But you're right to be uneasy. Because clearly, you do have a big heart. You can tell this, because her behavior is hurting and embarrassing you.

You should thank your parents sincerely. They made you conscious that financial wealth and personal indulgence are not the source of happiness and never will be.

Money can be a force of good in the world. But having so very much of it, and excuse me, but "marinating" in it (as you describe your girlfriend doing -- showing off and being arrogant in a materialistic way) is in fact exactly like living in poison.

That attitude of hers might just be youth and inexperience. It could be that she just needs to get out in the world, and most crucially, to see at close range the kind of suffering that poor people deal with every day. Encourage her to understand that, because of her fortunate birth, she has the responsibility to help other people. She needs to develop compassion, and humility. Those qualities are not automatic.

This might sound crazy, but get her a nice copy of "Gone With The Wind." The book, not the movie. The book is very different from the movie. The characters are more complex, and the story is more real, more harsh. Read it with her if she doesn't want to do it. It's an amazing thing to read, full of passion and romance of course, and amazing history.

But talk to her about the character of Scarlett O'Hara. I'm not kidding. Scarlett has everything in the world: vast wealth, good family, beauty, strength, and love.

Then reality breaks in, and she loses everything. She starves. She has to fight just to keep alive. And then all she cares about is making back all of that money and more. And it makes her mean and shallow. It makes her stupid. The novel calls her that. Stupid.

And as you read the beautiful, sad story, you see how different she could have been. When she finally realizes what it is that is truly important -- her love for her husband -- it's too late. She has become ugly and worthless to him. She has sold her soul for money, and he leaves her alone, saying the (at the time) famous line, "I don't give a damn."

Scarlett is a great lesson for all young women. I just finished teaching it to university freshmen, and so your letter made me think of it.

Tell her, gently but honestly. *Show* her that you're sincere, that this is painful for you. You see the good in her, and you don't want her to behave as if she were shallow, arrogant, selfish, or unkind. You don't want her to be stupid, to throw away the true beauty and goodness in life.

Perhaps you could think of some project that you and she could develop together, like a foundation or a nonprofit, some way to help her break out of the fantasy, and use her very lucky life to help others. That is the true way to happiness, and that is the best foundation of love, if that's what the two of you are lucky enough to have.

If she can only act out and get angry when gently asked to look into a mirror, and one held by someone who cares enough about her to write this letter, then I'm afraid you should just let her go. She'll have to learn this on her own in that case, and it won't be easy.

I'm afraid I probably sound ridiculously earnest to you. But your letter moved me. It's very good to know that someone in your amazing circumstances (to me, "another planet") has so much heart, such good values, and a real desire to help someone he cares about before it's too late.

Make your wealth into a force of good in the world, don't just keep it locked up in a bank or use it to accumulate houses and cars and clothes and *things*, and you will have a powerful and meaningful life.

All best wishes to you both.

Money is energy. It's possibility. It's power. It determines who each of us is even able to be. (Belive me, I know this.) Use it to create good. I wish you both all the best.