Not at all.

Of course children need to learn to respect other people, and respect differences in personality -- even if it leads to temporary unhappiness. (I remember when this was hardly a controversial statement.) Of course LW, as the wife of their Dad, is first on the list of people whose needs and feelings these children must learn to respect. If it leads to a few tears or outbursts, so what? This is, and always was, a part of growing up. In the long run, this isn't bad. In the long run this is good -- for everyone, and most of all for the kids themselves.

Going back to your first letter, I can see you are a person who understands what is going on in the world. So you must realize that the risk that children living today will one day face a big war are increasing. The risk that this is coming is higher today than it was 10 years ago, and is likely to be higher in 10 years than it is today. My advice is to look at the big picture, get a grip, refuse to be distracted by trivialities, and do your best to be happy now. And do your best to allow these kids, and all kids, to have a happy childhood. Or substitute the word "good" for "happy," if you like. Being overwhelmed by chores and unreasonable demands, being cast in a role where you can't control how your words and actions are interpreted, and allowing all of that to block your love for your husband's children and undermine your relationship with him, makes no sense.

Sure this is way too late, but thought I'd mention it:

Loving kids (or cats) comes with the investment of time and energy you make into them. I adore cats, but if I had to chose between the life of a cat I raised from kittenhood and a cat I didn't know I'd chose my cat, even if the other cat was younger and cuter. That's because of the years I've invested in that cat, cleaning up after it, taking care of it, and growing to love it. Same with kids - I didn't 'love' my first child the day he was born, but through taking care of him love blossomed pretty quickly. Maybe LW should have given the kids more time before deciding 'I don't love them!' and shooting her mouth off to her husband.

what carli suggested is smart and practical. Move out when the kids are there.

There are some benefits in this for them too. They can go on living like they used to before you came.

This guy has to decide if that is Okay for him, to live like that.

If all of you can deal with the weekly moving and organizing, there should be no problem.

Maybe, at times, you can overlap, spend one day with the 5 of you.

I've always found it interesting that childfree women who don't want to hook up with single fathers--and raise his children with another woman-- are considered "selfish". This societal pressure is what leads like LW's all over America. It also happens to childfree men men who don't want to date single mothers.

Once a single parent who was trying to date me angrily called me "selfish" when I explained I didn't want to raise someone else's kids.

I asked this parent, "So why did you have biological children rather than adopting needy children?"

Single parent replied, "I didn't want to raise someone else's kids!"

I replied, "Well, neither do I."

LW,

There were many heartfelt and useful suggestions posted here, in addition to the occasional "hardass" opinions. Take what you want and leave the rest. Although we don't know what your actual Meyers-Briggs type is, I think Cary made a good guess. I just found out recently that I am an INFJ, supposedly the rarest type there is, which explains a lot! :o)

At any rate, I think that I understand where you're coming from. To my way of thinking, focus on the advice given here from JugSouthgate, armedandharmless, sarahbernhardt, and canard and similar ones that attempt to help you with dignity and grace. There are many black and white views offered here. Find your own middle path that works for you, your husband, and the stepkids.

Best of luck to you! I hope this works out well for all involved. Take care.

She shouldn't have to be, since they have a mother and spend half their time with her. But it looks like she's trying to be a mother to them anyway.

My advice is to accept less responsibility at home when they are there. They are their dad's responsibility. The LW should work on liking them without trying to be a mom. If that's not good enough for their dad, then move out.

Thanks for your kind words.

One thing I see quite often in comments here is the idea that marriage itself is disposable, regardless of first, second, third. Yes, there are certainly marriages that are better off ending because of abuse, criminal behavior and the like. But some seem to advise divorce much too easily - sort of, 'if you're not really happy all the time, just leave, don't even try to change yourself, your partner, or the situation'.

Reading LW's letter again, it's abundantly clear to me that she's looking for ideas, things to try, changes to make, etc., so that she DOESN'T leave. She clearly wants things to work; she just doesn't know what specific changes to make.

In such a situation, telling the person "well, you knew he had kids when you married him" or "just deal with it" doesn't help, because the person already knows those things. It's like telling the runner who came in second place "well, you just have to run faster" without telling him or her HOW, exactly, to do that.

Cary and some commenters here have offered some things LW can do to improve the situation. I hope she tries them.