dear orphan,

I'm not surprised by the lack of compassion demonstrated in many of the salon letters here. We live in an industrial society where everything, including feelings, are meant to be streamlined and stopped up with tired psychological cliches "get over it," "move past it," and underneath many of these sentiments is the unpleasant and untrue message that there's something wrong with you if you can't be a cookie cutter duplicate of everybody else.

I am a fan of Cary's advice in general, but in this case I disagree that you should abandon the trapieze paradigm. This seems so perfect for what you are saying. Normally a family should be a net so when you fall (from a romantic relationship) they should be there to catch you. Ta dum.

I'm not an orphan, but I have parents that are nonetheless wholly unable to catch me when I fall...due to their own mental illnesses...in fact, I've spent a lot of my life working as their net while knowing that they can't ever act as mine. And I'm also caught in the double bind that if I share my dilemna with people I often sound like I'm asking for pity which I'm not. I'm just looking for understanding...which can be rare, frankly, and I read your letter in the same way.

So maybe what you need is to sew your own net. You're the only one who can decide the materials, but definitely among them must be people who you love who love you back. These can be friends, cousins, church members, club members, etc. These non-romantic relationships need to become more important than they normally would be because you need to construct a sort of new family.....

Our culture tends to have very narrow perceptions of what love and family are. Love is limited down to eros, when in fact agape love matters as much or more. And family is assumed to be a heterosexual two parent one point two child affair when in fact family is a voluntary (after you are an adult at least) coming together of people who love eachother in more than one type of way. I hope that you can value the fact that losing someone romantically might always hurt more than it would if you weren't deprived of parents...but it doesn't mean you're defective. It means you have deep feelings, and this can actually be something you-and others too--value about yourself. What being an orphan means to you is something that not even other orphans will have an identical experience with (although exploring orphan support groups might be a great way to find others who do go through some similar issues...)

Anyway, I really like your letter & wish you luck in sewing a net that can keep your bones from splintering the next time you find yourself falling. And maybe I do agree with Cary that you should wait until you have this net fairly ready and tested before you take that next swing through the air in trusting someone new.

Oh LW, grief is so debilitating! And to suffer the loss of both parents at the tender age of 16 is heartbreaking (I am deeply sorry).

I think that grieving in this situation, and often in any loss situation, would be considered "complicated grieving". I sincerely recommend that you find a grief group-through Hospice, or otherwise- to process all this pain with other caring souls.

It took me over 10 years to come to terms with the loss of my beloved mother, who died when I was in my early 20's, which I was finally able to get more of a handle on through volunteering with Hospice in a grief group. Even still, I can still be very weepy and over-sensitive.

As far as the guys, I would encourage you to first work on yourself and your still raw emotions before trying to forge a lasting and meaningful relationship.

best of luck to you.

The day I stopped seeing myself as suffering from -x- was the day I got my life back. And it took decades.

Do you want to waste that kind of time?

LW, you haven't fallen enough times or shattered enough bones you. It's not just alcoholics who have to hit rock bottom. Someday, you'll look around and realize you can't keep suffering through this kind of pain any longer, and you'll figure out another way.

I'm sorry there's not a better answer. But trust me, you will reach that point, and then you will come alive. when they happen, changes like these are fast and profound. enjoy them. it will get better.

however, i've dated several women who were either adopted, had virtually no contact/support from their parents, etc, and i have observed that these are the women who hurting the most, and are looking for the love of a man, or having a family, as a way to 'fix' themselves. i think it is very difficult to do, and i can empathize with the letter writer.

unfortunately, if an orphan wears their needs on their sleeve all the time, many men will be turned off by it b/c they will feel the crushing weight of having to live up to being EVERYTHING to that person. it usually just won't work.

my 2 cents for thought. sorry you are struggling so badly. there is much suffering in the world.

LW

You've been given a hard row to hoe than most. Not having the anchor of parents at such a young age must be very difficult.

But you are not as alone as you may think. There are many out there who have no family or anchor for various reasons, and feel the same emptiness and want to create a sense of "family" as well.

I have had this feeling most of my life except that it had mostly to do with not feeling loved/supported by my family. Anyone who has felt this understands this makes you more sensitive and less resilient to loss when it happens.

You have to accept this as your lot in life and take excellent care of yourself. Dating is hard and will involved rejection but that is part of the game of finding someone to love and who loves you. Unlike others you can't play around too much because you have too much at stake. Be aware of what you want and need and learn how to weed out those with less than noble intentions. Read books on dating and relationships and how to form a healthy one. You will find someone to share your life with.

My grandfather was an orphan. As a consequence, he valued family like never before and he got his family. You can, too. You are young enough to do so and when you have this goal in mind, and what you want, it will come to you eventually. Don't give up.