dear orphan,

I'm not surprised by the lack of compassion demonstrated in many of the salon letters here. We live in an industrial society where everything, including feelings, are meant to be streamlined and stopped up with tired psychological cliches "get over it," "move past it," and underneath many of these sentiments is the unpleasant and untrue message that there's something wrong with you if you can't be a cookie cutter duplicate of everybody else.

I am a fan of Cary's advice in general, but in this case I disagree that you should abandon the trapieze paradigm. This seems so perfect for what you are saying. Normally a family should be a net so when you fall (from a romantic relationship) they should be there to catch you. Ta dum.

I'm not an orphan, but I have parents that are nonetheless wholly unable to catch me when I fall...due to their own mental illnesses...in fact, I've spent a lot of my life working as their net while knowing that they can't ever act as mine. And I'm also caught in the double bind that if I share my dilemna with people I often sound like I'm asking for pity which I'm not. I'm just looking for understanding...which can be rare, frankly, and I read your letter in the same way.

So maybe what you need is to sew your own net. You're the only one who can decide the materials, but definitely among them must be people who you love who love you back. These can be friends, cousins, church members, club members, etc. These non-romantic relationships need to become more important than they normally would be because you need to construct a sort of new family.....

Our culture tends to have very narrow perceptions of what love and family are. Love is limited down to eros, when in fact agape love matters as much or more. And family is assumed to be a heterosexual two parent one point two child affair when in fact family is a voluntary (after you are an adult at least) coming together of people who love eachother in more than one type of way. I hope that you can value the fact that losing someone romantically might always hurt more than it would if you weren't deprived of parents...but it doesn't mean you're defective. It means you have deep feelings, and this can actually be something you-and others too--value about yourself. What being an orphan means to you is something that not even other orphans will have an identical experience with (although exploring orphan support groups might be a great way to find others who do go through some similar issues...)

Anyway, I really like your letter & wish you luck in sewing a net that can keep your bones from splintering the next time you find yourself falling. And maybe I do agree with Cary that you should wait until you have this net fairly ready and tested before you take that next swing through the air in trusting someone new.

and another that lost her mother at a very young age. I will agree it is certainly painful, depending on the circumstances and there are no good circumstances, except when there is pain and suffering, and there is that too. Sad as it is to lose a parent, never mind both, it is sadder to let it run your life. The love does not die because you have lost the source that yes looks out for your back, or at the least trys be a source of comfort. A parent at times takes a back seat, even to people who have not died, there are children that hate their parents and practically wish them dead. But that is not your case, you are left with that wallowing feeling, of loss and not having an emotional outlet for the suffering you are feeling. You can handle that in a couple of ways, one is going to your place of worship and asking for a mass, light a candle and pray for them both to be a peace. Another is to do good deeds in their name, in their honor, write about what their accomplishements were anything that conjurers up in your mind a peaceful presence, where you can share in their joy. On some level it is very theurputic to feel that the both deceased parents are at reast. Once you can accept that they are at rest, and should not be sought after, your mind will find new ways to cope. You will not seek the attention your mom or dad might have offered you. It is truly hard to distinguish, both the sides of parenting, the very basic things parents do, wash dishes, clean clothes, simple things that are easily ignored. But once they are gone, are like OMI GOD moments of reflection, that is life, but looking for that attention in all the wrong places is only going set your mind up for playing tricks on you, it is going to leave you feeling exactly as you are, exhausted and not be able to distinguish between two very different types of love. Things happen, if you ask a local hospital or clergy you might get some one to help set up a support group, or at the least go for some bereavement counseling. Good Luck and I am sorry for your loss. God Bless

and becoming a gardner who grows roots where she is.Everyday when you go out you will see surprising new growth and sometimes even things you didn't plant. You will have to tuck your garden away for winter and weed and prune but you will the

mother/father to many living beings who look to you for nourishment.Maybe then you will understand the days when you really don't feel like watering or weeding and how tiresome it can be to never get a vacation and forgive the men who decided they weren't up to the 24 hour task that you presented them with.

Maybe too you will develop the ability to read the weather, expect the seasons and plan ahead so that you can grow the things you're interested in having,which may change year to year but will be many times more interesting than the subsistence diet of potatoes you are confining yourself to now.